A toast !

It's the dawn of another new year again people. How are you feeling? Technically, life goes on pretty much the same. It's only the date and year that changed.However, one just can't help but feel there is a new chance to have a fresh start in whatever areas one wants to work on or aim to achieve in another new year. For some,it's time to just forget what the previous year was all about and just move on and forward from it. Be it a good one or a bad one.

For me,2014 was not really a good year for me compared to other years that I've been living ( and to be able to evaluate,judge and compare from ) . The low times were really low and the high points were indeed high. I had to go through issues from almost every department in my life ( family, friends, love life, studies,etc) . But it's also a year that I felt truly blessed for being able to win a lot of contests. It also made me realized that I really have a bunch of good friends and of course family which formed a strong support system for me to get over things whenever I am down. I really appreciated and find it amusing looking at all of them trying their best in comforting me. I know for some that saying or doing things to comfort someone is not their forte. So,I really appreciate all the effort that they took for me.

Looking at it from another perspective, 2014 was a year where I was thrown into the challenge of taking a bigger leap than ever to mature my thoughts,character and personality to be a more mature person.It helped me figure out and try to aim as to what are my further aims and goals in life and who I want to be in the future.I also learnt how to manage my emotions and try to be a stronger person mentally and not be overtly sensitive on certain things. I don't know if you ever saw through me, but I care about how people perceive me a lot. That might result in some people as seeing me as a ' goody goody two shoes' or a person who maybe is always eager to please someone (?) .But let me tell you that I feel it's not that bad compared to last time. I am trying to work out on my pride and stuff which on many occasions had led me to do foolish stuff.

I also had the interesting opportunity to deal with super awkward situations that it made me think could there ever be a more awkward situation than what I've experienced so far? This year brought the level of awkward-facing-situation to a whole new level for me. As some ( or many) of you know,I decided to work while studying for my CLP this time around. One my first day of work,I had a 'buddy' lunch with a fellow associate on the same practice group I am assigned too. I def have a lot to learn from my team mate.Am trying to be more confident to put myself out there and less shy and more sociable!

To be honest,I was caught by surprised as to how my 'buddy' look like in a very good way. *winks* hhahahahaa. And I had the most awkward lunch ever.I can't really get you to imagine them or put it in words very much myself.One must really go through it themselves to understand how it feels like.The second awkward situation award would go tot he Christmas party office dinner that I attended.Thank god,I had a partner with me. ( we are the 2 newbies in this newly created team in the firm) So,at least I was not there alone.

I am getting to know,observe and learn so many things at the workplace that it makes me want to further improve myself in so many areas. I am so in awed of how some of my colleagues are just so friendly and sociable compared to me,who takes time to warm to people ( not a plus point at all) and can be socially awkward at times,and blur. Also,the associates that I met are all so articulate that I wish I was 1/4 as eloquent as them. Their level of vocabulary knowledge and level of articulacy is just so good that it makes me feel that I am still very much lacking and need to work on them,especially my confidence level in speaking eloquently and what not. So,yes I guess in a way one of my resolution for 2015 is to improve myself in this area.

Work hasn't really pick up so far. I think partly it's because I joined at a time where the holidays are near and everyone's on holiday and hence,everyone's pretty much on a holiday mood (which includes the clients as well). I am looking forward on how things will go from here. I will try to approach all things, good and bad with as much zest as possible ! What doesn't kill you,only makes you stronger and wanna kill the thing that you thought could kill you right? hahahaha.

Here's to another new fresh year where everything is always possible to begin or continue on . Wishing everyone a happy and healthy year ahead of them.

Quoting Tablo : I pray that  2015 is a perfect year for everyone.  

Also a poem from Lang Leav :

A TOAST!
 To new beginnings in fear & faith & all it tinges.
To love is a dare, when hope & despair are gates upon its hinges.

Happy 2015 everyone !

-with lots of love,peace out-

The fear I feared

Its been 5 days now since I accepted the fact that I failed my CLP. I'm truly grateful ( and could not help but feel amused at times) at everyone who tried to cheer me up.I was amused as some of them were awkward or not good at things like that but I can see that despite that they still try and make an effort to make me laugh and not be so closed minded about seeing failure as a bad thing. So for that I am truly thankful and appreciate everyone who comforted it.

After seeing the results and after my brain has processed the fact that I did not pass the exam ( failed 2/5 papers BUT I gotta re sit ALL 5 now ) .. My initial reaction was just to stare at the computer screen. It took me for a while to cry. And I cried a little for the first time,it somehow felt that I have not fully released all the shock and sadness that  had happened.

And so,for almost the whole day ( say from 10am-5pm or so) I've been crying on and off with the help of Grey's Anatomy.. Prior to the day result came out,i downloaded this old movie called I Am Sam. As this was one of the saddest movie I've ever seen in my memory. And so I decided to watch it at night to fully complete my grieving process. TO me surprise,I didn't cry that much. I cried like crazy when I watched Grey's and some sad korean movies and what not.. But somehow,I didnt cry as much as I thought I would when I watched I Am Sam after 10 years or so since I first watched it. So yeah.

After the fact had kinda sunk into me,I tell myself that I am only gonna grief and wallow in the pits of self pity for 24 hours and that I did... I felt better the next day though the first thing that came to my mind when I woke up was : Dude, you failed CLP . And the there's the slow realization that I gotta study and memorize everything again. Though this maybe easier this time around,but still the dread of having to see all those books again.. *sigh*

You may think that I am an arrogant bitch here,but I've never really experienced failure like this before.So,my honest feelings of this is that I feel humiliated. And I can't help compare with some other people who also sat for the  exams. Thoughts like " I surely attend a lot more classes and work harder than they did,etc' came to my mind... And also I felt that I disappointed my parents and my family in a way though they told me it's ok.. But maybe deep down, the one that I've disappointed the most is myself.. I do have high expectations for myself because I know I am my own worst enemy.

I am feeling fine now really.But to be honest,there is an occasional feeling of bitterness and emoness you know.And this quote came to my mind :

        '' You never get over it.But you get to where it doesn't bother you so much'' Jeffery Eugenides,The Virgin Suicides

p/s : I dont know about heartbreak,but failing something that you want and hope so bad sucks big time and i can't help thinking to myself in between tears,that whoever said heartbreak may seem that your world and everything comes crashing down clearly have not experience failing to get something they desire to achieve. ( but this may just be for me. hah!)

p/p/s: please note that some days i might be all fine and happy and some days i maybe just a super emo person.

-with lots of love,peace out.

my person (people)

Just finished watching the season finale for grey's anatomy.At the end of season 10,Christina is finally leaving.And while still in tears I decided that I had to blog about this one quote i love from this episode.It was a perfect farewell.I love it.It happened so fast that i just wanted it to be longer.

"You're my person. I need you alive. You make me brave," Christina said this to Meredith.

In the context of friendship : 2 person came to my mind-Ms.Lee and Ms.Sweet. The things that I've gone through during high school years and what not.

The next people would be Ms.Yap and my sstwo. and also Ms.Jue Ann.

Disclaimer: Not that I dont value my other friends in general,but these are the people that i feel get me and they're the ones i usually go to first (other than my family) on my happiness and sadness in life.

I feel very blessed to have met these people in my life.I am sorry if I dont seem to be the friend in need at times,or when I display my act of jealousy or bitchness. But I do value,treasure and want to maintain or further improve my friendships with a number of people that I've come to know for sometime now.

-with  lots of love,peace out-

how far would you go for love?

To love someone and be with them until it comes to a point where it seems that you are the only one who is working to further build and maintain the relationship while it seems that the significant other always promise to do better and keeps apologizing. Is it really worth holding on to? Is that or is there still love?

Is it still love when it seems that you cry more than you smile at times?

It makes me wonder how far would one go for love?

I've never been in love. Observing and hearing stories about how my friend's deal with their relationships,in giving my opinion at times,I wonder,why would you go through all the pain and misery when it looks and feel that you could do with someone which is so much better? or that it would better to be single and alone rather than putting yourself in such emotionally and physically exhaustive times.

And so they say,love is blind,and we accept the love that we think we deserve.

We are so blinded by it at times,that it numbs a bit of our logical and rationally judgement.

At the same contradictory time,it makes us happy,it gives us hope,it may even make us stronger at times.

It helps us grow and (hopefully ) help us become wiser as well.

So I wonder,how far will you go for love and try to maintain it after going through all the happiness and sadness?

What is it from it are you hoping to get at the end of the day?

This may be an unanswerable question at times

But I do know for a fact that human beings are not robots,we get exhausted.

When it reaches to our very maximum limit,

The brain and heart will tell you,enough.

That's about all the shit I can deal and take.

I need to cut you out of my life for the happiness of you and me.

-with lots of love (?) hahaha,peace out-

I think I need me a chill pill

'Sometimes,we find a person to share our thoughts and insecurities not because we need an advice,etc
Sometimes we just need someone to hold our hands ,and to just listen, saying 'yes' from time to time to help us ease our over thinking and insecurities-to prevent us from being held back by them' -Honey & Clover

I just love the sentences above from Honey and Clover.I think I have probably watched it over a thousand times,but I think there is a certain point in time every year where I will just re-watch the whole series (season 1 and 2) and like each time i get a different feeling after watching it..It's not like the typical anime love story actually.It talks about friendship, life and love.(that's what I personally derive from it after watching it,that is) And it's so funny and sad at the same time,that it might be the main reason why I love it so much..And the songs used in it are nice too.So,yea,I love this anime a lot.

I think in between last year and this year there has been a number of negative posts here.One of the reasons is because I feel the need to let it out somewhere,and there is actually not a lot of people who knows that I blog,so I figured this is kinda good place for me to vent out my frustrations and anger at times.

It's the last 24 days or so to 2013.This year,like a few months of the second half of the year had me dealing with a number of umm,negative / selfish emotions and whatnot. Disappointment,anger,jealousy and all.It was not thrown at me all at once,but like I guess I had to deal with these things more frequent than what I went through last year I think.

I find it interesting up to a certain extent where you get to see it from a third eye view and also experience it personally on how it would be like when you are tested on what's your limit in trusting and being patient with someone and trying to give them chances time and time again.

I learnt also that  (for me) it's a tough battle in trying to fight the green eyed monster and being genuinely happy for someone.I felt like I was being suddenly put in a weird place in trying to fight this battle since I think I never really experience this kinda thing before.It was an interesting lesson now that I've come to terms with  it. ( oh shit, am I turning into some spoilt,immature brat  here ? nooooooo,i dont wanna be one)

I think the fact that my thoughts on life and other things in general may have changed for the past one year or so and hence,it changes the way I handle things and see things in different perspective at times.I'm like another step closer to a new chapter in my life and I am trying to decide or plan as to what and how am I going to proceed next.Like the things I dream I wanna experience and stuff, of course at the same time I am worried of once a decision is made,is it a right decision or vice versa you know?

Yes,you will probably ask me to not think too much and take a chill pill,and hence I quote the first paragraph above.

Oh well,let's hope that I will be able to end this year in a good note and have a fresh and good start to 2014 soon..

-with lots of love,peace out-

Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a fuck.

How much can you trust someone at times?
How much can you forgive a person and then try to built your trust on that person again?
How much respect should you then give to the person after they have broke you so many times?

I guess this depends on what personality that person has to withstand these kind of situation right?
Just dont push it to a level that has reach a person's the maximum point.
Cause once that occurred you will completely make that person wanna cut all contact with you.

As I've posted this quote/ pic on insta-- Just never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a fuck.

I feel once you have reach that point,that's the point of no return.

I don't really like dealing with situations where there is a ' he said, she said' game going on.
And then a voice inside of me suddenly tells me : hmm,next time in your career,you gotta deal a lot with this kinda shits. It then hits me --ahhh, shit, that is highly likely so gonna be true..

I guess this is just another test to help me be a stronger person.

p/s: apologies if I'm being too emo at times,I take some things to heart a tad too much maybe at times.(plus the fact that the thing that happened today occurred at a time when I am mentally and physically exhausted does not help me stay super positive)

-with lots of love,peace out-