Sunday, November 23, 2014

Late post : 1

''Needless to say I love the subway. I glean all my characters from my fellow passengers. The same sorts of things which attracted me to Missed Connections, I find on the train: subtle interactions, eccentricity, beauty, sorrow, secrets, kindness, generosity, excellent hairdos. Every sort of person imaginable and unimaginable. '' Sophie Blackall --Missed Connections

A feeling

A feeling of sadness that it's sad I've come to know a person that sparks my interest enough that I want to know more of.
A feeling of sadness that it's sad that I feel we can have something more.
A feeling of sadness that it's sad that I thought things might work out to become something awesome.
A feeling of sadness that it's sad that I thought maybe,perhaps, this could be it.
A feeling of sadness that it's sad that the timing's not right,the feelings are not mutual.
A feeling of sadness that it's sad because I feel it's rare (for now maybe) to come across someone who seems to share a common interest with you on the things you like.

A feeling of uncertainty arises as to who you really are as a person other than the prima facie layer that people usually perceive.
A feeling of uncertainty as to what are your thoughts on the serious things in life.
A feeling of uncertainty as to what are your thoughts,perspective and goals in life.
A feeling of uncertainty as to what you perceive/think of me as a person.

A feeling that I know that it's not 'i like you ' kind of feeling,
A feeling that's more of a mix of being interested and a crush.

It's not much of a feeling of heartbreak,
It's just this feeling of a certain kind of unexplainable sadness.


I think the last time I had a crush on someone was a few years back.This year I find myself having an interest in someone of the opposite sex which come very close to a crush but not enough to amount to liking him. Let's just say I am interested and curious to want to get to know him more on rather than the general getting-to-know -a-friend level.

I kind of try and ask if he is interested to hang out and was given some very lame excuses and from there I get the message. He is not interested.. And then I had a hunch that there is something going on between him and a girl which is a classmate of mine. And yesterday I think my hunch was kinda spot on. And now I have this feeling of sadness.

'l know over time I will not be feeling what I am feeling now and I will get over this feeling and will thank the stars in disguise as to why things didn't go how I hope that it will go for now.I just figured I need to let it out somewhere in order to satisfy the feeling of letting it out on a concrete setting/place.
 p/s: Don't get it twisted that I am desperate for a boyfriend.I am not. It's just that I've come to like this person now,and just feel like if something could happen,then of course, I would want it.
-peace out-

Monday, November 17, 2014


Last Saturday was the first class for all CLP resitters revision class.A lot of people didnt turn up.But I do get to see who didn't make it through the exam and will be taking them with me the second time around.Both my homies didnt come to class. And I felt a little bit lonely.I dont mind sitting alone or what not,it's just I get the feeling that I am really really doing this alone this time around.Like the feeling is just different compared to earlier this year where I know at least like me,Yik Yee,stand and all are 'in this together'. Like I know who to find and talk to from time to time who gets me and is my support system.But this time around,it feels different.I dont know how to explain it,but it just doesnt.Maybe it's something where you need to go through to be able to understand this feeling.

I would be lying if I say I do not care what people think of me when they saw/recognize me and see that I had failed my CLP. I do admit that my pride/ ego was affected.I do care what people think of me.I wonder if they think : OMG,i thought she is a bright student and she failed, or some may think the other way around like Hah,I knew she wouldnt get through it. Yeah,I know I shouldnt give a damn as to what they think of me,but I just can't help myself at times.And I do know that at times ,it is better to be humble than let my pride get the better of me.So yeah,I hope I will be able to swallow / extinguish some of my pride/ego.

I arrived for class early and certain classmates we talking quite loudly and I can't help but hear their conversations.An uncle who decided to take CLP as a 2 year program has started to study full swing - i.e. seriously now already and is telling another girl that she too should do so. The girl responded by saying she is studying almost daily. Hearing this, I thought to myself : "oh shit, I am sooo on a different (and not really in a good way) level with them. I'm still trying to find a job and whatnot. And it seemed like some of them are still doing this full time.And then it just click,on what one of my interviewer mentioned that I am indeed taking a risk on this this time around.

But I have chosen to go down this road.So,I shall do this.I did think at times after I was being rejected after a job interview that what if I dont get a job? should i just give up now? maybe I just am not good enough for this..Should i just stop looking for a job and just focus on my studies? My heart was contemplating over this again,but my mind said : No.You do not give up Jo.You are known on many occasion to just finish something half way because you got impatient and fed up with it.Or sometimes,you are just all talk/dreaming and not action. So,you do not just give up like that.You will see through this to the end.

Also,my friends really gave me the confidence and support me in this,which I am eternally grateful and hence I will get through this.Fingers crossed that I will be able to write some good news here soon!

-with lots of love,peace out-

Psyching myself

I gasped when I saw that my last post was in September.I didnt know it was such a long time again since I wrote here. So what did I do for the past 2 months for me to procrastinate again to write here?

Well in October I went for a trip to Singapore and Malacca with Sweet,Ms.Lee,Arif and Fred.It was a fun trip I would say.A little bit disappointed with the food in Singapore,but other than that,it was fine.One funny moment would be that Ms.Lee and I stayed up to watch Eddie Peng's drama while everyone was already asleep.I cannot tahan whispering due to the many excitement that I wanna express that we sat at the staircase outside of the hostel in order to talk in normal voices and what not.Hah,and for the first time I finished a can of beer by myself with the results of getting rashes over my body and hands the next day.Certainly a new experience. Coming back from the trip and going back to reality,I was busy applying for jobs.

I would say this is my first time doing this as I never really actually applied/went for an interview in a law firm.I am determined to try and gain more experience in the legal world,and hence this time around,I decided to take a risk and work while studying part time for my CLP. I feel it will be a challenging experience but I feel it's something worth while. No matter if the outcome is good or bad,I feel that there is something to be learnt from this.

I have been to about 5 or 6 interviews so far,and must say no one interview is the same. Certain firms asked a lot more questions in order to test what kind of person you are,some are focused more on your results,some are focused more on the previous working experience that you have.and the vibe that each interviewer give is definitely different.It's a truly interesting experience-not just in attending these interview but finding the locations of the law firms.I do filter my application and confine them to places which are near to LRT or KTM stations as it would be much easier to go to work and what not.

I must say initially,I loath selling my emotions and trying to put up a front where I am more energetic (or should I say more enthusiastic than I normally am) in order to make a good impression.Or in order words,I am not a fan of trying to sell myself out there in order to impress the interviewer.But this is sadly an unavoidable process that one must go through in order to get what one wants. I realized though,as I attend more interviews,I am more comfortable in doing so,and I get more confidence too.

After finishing an interview session,I would usually look back on how I did and at certain times,I do wish I could turn back time just so I could give a better answer.At certain times,better answer just pop into my head after I am done with the interview session. But I try to make a mental note of it in order for me to be more prepared for future interviews.I also tend to doubt if the answer that I gave were weak and due to that,I was not hired because of that one weak answer. *sigh* I guess sometimes,being too safe of a person or its because after I failed my exam that I cant help but try to analyze and identify things on where did I go wrong.

I still am in  the process and hopes of being employed.There is a firm which I have my eye on and even though the job scope to it sounds hard/foreign/stressful and I cant help but thing at the first time it was explained to me " what the hell did I just get myself into" , another part of me tells myself, 'hey,its ok.Take it as a challenge.You dont know much about it,you learn from it.Stress is something which will eventually happen now or in the future in your line of job. And it exists in every workplace.SO do not run away and face it!'' I guess a part of me doubts myself on whether or not I am able to carry out the job properly and at the same time there is a feat of  ' what if I fuck up?'and thoughts about the prefect incident during secondary school flashed by in my mind.Another part of me do assure myself that hey,since you experienced it before,you know what to do and try not to let the same thing happen to you again.AND running away from it and not facing/ conquering your fears is only delaying it and not solving anything at all if I want to move forward in life.

Yes,all this is easier written down than to actually facing it in real.But I believe I am mentally strong to be able to get through this and what doesnt kill me will make me a stronger and better person. So fingers crossed that I will hear some good news soon and will be able to get rid/face/conquer my worries and fears.

-with lots of love,peaceout-