Monday, September 23, 2013

Let's Do This

Envy. I cant help but to feel so.
I have no one else to blame but myself.
I didn't work hard enough and I did not 'want' it.
I just hope and wish that i would get it.
Such unequal thought between reality and dreams,would definitely not come true.

I comfort myself that I have done well..(not well,just ok).
I tell myself-whatever has happened,its the past.
I should move forward and not dwell on the past.
Yes,let's do that.
Let's make sure I dont experience this feeling of bitterness again.

I know I am my own worst enemy and also the harshest critic of myself
That's how I try and strive to achieve what I want and deem as perfection.

-with lots of love,peace out-

Monday, September 16, 2013

What have I got myself into?

Ello people. Did you enjoy the story that i wrote in my previous post? My apologies again if you feel its the worst ever and a completely waste of your time.I just realized I have only ever attempt to write 2 stories in my life and all was written for fun..Another story was posted in my blog too.It was written during my last year in high school but was sadly not published in my school magazine and so I decided to post it in my blog instead... Hahahaa.I just re-read it and its completely different from the one I just posted below..If you are interested in reading it-- you can do so here .

Anyways,I have just started my CLP class 2 weeks ago. What do I think of it so far : It's scary,stressful and very bulky. The subject matter is no joke. I have 5 papers to sit for exam-but these papers are further broken down or branched into like 9/10 subjects.. And my study period for all of them : My lectuers will be finished by February or March. Is it crazy? It completely is.

The amount of info that I need to learn,memorize and cram into my brain and then use it for my exam-just the thought of it makes me feel very nervous and stressed up.. A number of people are working while studying this. One of the reason is because classes are only on weekends and tutorials are either in around 5.30 pm or like 7.30 pm for part time students.. So there is actually a lot of free time and some were of the thought that, hey,i might as well work to gain some experience or money.. I kinda have the same thought for one moment too,but then ,my sis was against the idea of me working as she has a couple of friends who did law and just told my sis to tell me that it's best to just devote my time to study... And seeing the amount of work that will be cut up for me,I feel so too.

I have declared ( to myself and for myself ) that Monday is my off day and for other days,i will be starting to revise my studies.. This shall apply today itself. I am really very very worried and scared ( more to feeling horrified) of the thought of failing my CLP ... as the passing rate is like 20% or so and the amount of students in my class is like 400 . Am very worried that I cannot make it. So, I shall make sure I work hard to achieve it and this time I will really make sure that I keep my word on this.

I dont want to fail and study everything all over again.Also,the exam fees and all are so damn expensive that makes me feel super guilty if I dont try and pass it the first time.

I was thinking to myself the other day that UOL seems easier to me now somehow (?) --DOnt get me wrong- UOL is hard like hell,just that I feel CLP is like on another level.. also CLP is more based on memory work and requires you to like vomit it all out in the exam.. Sounds easy right? Well it is if you have a photographic memory and the ability to write very fast to answer 4 questions in a 3 hour exam.

I was very very freaked out that in just 4 classes (2 weeks of classes) that my lecturer is done teaching 5 chapters, and plans to finish another 5 this coming week.. Plus the fact that he gives the 'how hard and tough the exam is gonna be,and if you dont start doing your work now and all,you are writing your own karma and leading yourself tot he road of failure' lecture and how if you do your work last min you are so not gonna make it and CLP is completely different from your LLB days (to which he calls LLB as lagi lagi bohong) really makes me feel stressed out...Which makes me think of this question : Why did I study law? Is this all worth it ? Is this something I really want and is it worth it ? It's a mixture of yes and no really.But,for one thing, it's too early to give up,and I wont be as although I am very impatient with stuffs and tend to not finish things that I set to do at times and tend to get bored easily at stuffs at times also, I will not be a quitter just because it's very tough... As there is a saying that goes : A winner never quits,and a quitter never wins

But,I do have my source of letting  de-stressing myself like listening and checking out a lot of songs,reading blogs, and watching dramas and drooling and gushing about hot guys and all-- so its good for now.

p/s: am trying to revert back my sleeping time pattern, not happening so well right now as it''s already 2 am now..urghhh

-with lots of love, and worries,peace out-

That awkward moment

-Awkward is defined as:Difficult to effect; uncomfortable; Marked by or causing embarrassment or discomfort.- There's this one awkward moment that's recorded in my mind like using a video camera. At times it will be replayed on my  mind like a broken recoding tape.

I commute by train to my college on a daily basis.In the beginning the journey was a combination of nervousness and fascination.One because I was always worried that I couldn’t make it on time to my classes due to a wrong estimation of time.Another was I get to see some nice view when I travel.

After about 6 months,I considered myself to be a ‘’seasoned traveler’’ or shall I say a ‘’regular consumer’’ of taking the train. I realised that by taking the train,one need to have entertainment and food. My ipod is my saviour of life in train(if you’re the type can’t really much live without music) or a book or a game device or the BEST thing that one could ask, another person with them to talk to).Also,some water or tid bits with them as delays of the train and what not at peak hours can make you faint either due to not having enough water or food.

The then earnest me during the first few times of taking the train slowly turned into a person who treated the train as if it’s my home( it’s a 1 hour and 20 minutes ride usually).As I can’t stand  not doing anything in the train, I usually have a book and my ipod with me.Or I’ll just sleep. Some awkward or embarrassing encounters either made my day or made me want to crawl inside a hole and hide in it.
One of the most awkward moment that happened got me smiling till today. There was one day when I was staring into space when the train stopped at one of the stations, and a really cute guy got in and was standing right in front of me. The first awkward moment happened where our eyes meet accidentally and looking at him in the eyes for like 3 seconds or so felt like 5 minutes and we broke eye contact immediately afterwards. It happened again when both of us were ‘’caught’’ looking at each other again. Although it was an awkward moment, I was secretly happy as I was having a rough day on that day.I guessed as Lady Luck was on my side that day, the cute guy soon got a seat right next to me!!  

By that time, I was feeling tired and sleepy, and my station being the last station in that train ride,I was soon was fast asleep in the train. Little did I know the cute guy beside me was sleeping too. I thought he had got out at another station. When I woke up from my short sleep drowsily, I saw this old man smiling amusingly at me. For a second, I was puzzled. I thought to myself, did I sleep with my mouth open or did I do something embarrassing while I was sleeping ?? I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide if I did.
Then, I realised that somehow, my shoulder felt heavy. It was only then that I realised that the cute guy was still seating beside me ,sleeping with his head on my shoulders! I was embarrassed, shocked and happy all at the same time. I was screaming ‘’OHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYY GODDDDDDDD” internally. I did not know what to do and just let him sleep with his head on my shoulder.The old man sitting opposite of me had seem to be amused by my confused or mixed expression on my face.

Not long after, he woke up and realised that he was sleeping on my shoulder and immediately sat really straight afterwards in an awkward pose.

 To make things worse, the old man sitting opposite of us, told us that we were such a cute couple. I think both of us turned tomato red. That moment was so awkward that both of us were just speechless as to deny that statement made. Thankfully we reached the last station and he apologised for unconsciously sleeping on my shoulder. I told him it was ok and said I myself did not realised that he was doing so as I too was sleeping. I think both of us imagined that scene in our minds that both of us started laughing.
We said goodbye to each other and went on our separate ways.It sadly did not have a fairy tale ending where we ended up exchanging numbers or bumping into each other again.Although,(I think) this may not be the most creative story out there,it is for me, one awkward moment  that I would definitely remember for a very long time in my life.

The story above is a story I wrote to enter a contest like 1 year or 2 years ago.At the last moment,I decided it was a bit too lame and all,and decided to not submit it..It's based on something that really happened,though some parts were of course exaggerated and of course the last paragraph is completely not true.It's just an extension of my dream of how I thought it will be- like something that only happens in the movies you know? Hahaha. Ayways,this is the second story that I have attempted to write in my whole life,so... I wanna put it down somewhere and in a way let it be 'published' for someone to read?

So,thank you if you have taken the time to read this. It  means something to me.My apologies if you think its one of the worst or most boring or most predictable or most lame story that you have ever read in your life.

- with lots of love,peace out-