Sunday, May 21, 2017

Well worth it

I was reading an article on how the younger generation date or define their romantic relationship these days. And damn, we're kinda fucked up compared to the olden days where things seemed so much more straight forward and honest.

In each individual being interviewed for the article, the last question that were asked was : "What is your definition of real love?" And I find myself pondering about it too. To me, I have not love a man before. I really liked someone right now. But I wouldn't say that I know him well enough to love him. And to be honest, I don't even know what it means, it takes or seem to be loving someone. The person that I really like right now, seems to be really different from my previous likes. (Haha). How do I put it, he makes me want to learn more from him, I'm thankful of him being patient with me, I try to compromise on things and I sure as hell am fighting for us. Is it love though? I really can't answer this.

There are days of course where expectation seemed so far from reality that I wonder if the feeling have changed. That he no longer likes me now. He's just fond of me. That's that.

So what does real love means to me?
To me, real love would be a conscious and subconscious realization that you care a lot about that person. That you want nothing but the best for them and that you will fight for that person, you will fight for your relationship with them no matter how much of an uphill battle it seemed or will be. You will fight until perhaps there comes a day when you finally get too tired and wake up with the thought and feeling, where your heart and your mind is in tandem that you don't want to do it anymore. That you are done. No hard feelings, but you just don't want to and you are fine giving up on the love/care/effort that you have been putting into the relationship. That it's ok to not fight anymore and you know that the person will always have a special place in your heart.

Real love have to be an effort contributed by you and your significant other. Neither one of you can do it alone. Real love is timing, maturity, trust, hard work, compromise, having an open mind and also not forgetting having a whole lot of fun at the same time. That you share the same wave length on things in life. Having that 'settled' feeling that you would not want to be in an adventure with any other person other that the person that pops into your mind right now reading this, that you could never thank the stars enough for giving you the chance to meet this person and having and discovering that person feel the same mutual magical feeling that you feel for him too.

If the timing and feelings right, take that risk. Go crazy. There might be some hiccups here and there, but if it's meant to be, it will be well worth it I am sure.


I got this (I hope)

I guess the transition from being a pupil where there is an invisible shield up to a certain extent of you not knowing things or screwing up things is coming to and end and the real slap in the face (for me) that I'm very much close to being an associate is REALLY happening.

Last week, the pressure and fear got me. I felt like I was drowning and overwhelmed and helpless all at the same time. I got back home feeling so exhausted mentally that I fell into a deep sleep that night that I woke up in amazement that that happened. But that deep sleep really help me ease my mind. I woke up the next day with renewed optimism and strength to face the issues I was supposed to tackle.

You see, it's not the fear that I'll look stupid that keeps me from asking from help. But rather, I want to try to solve things or think of a solution first before asking for help. My inner voice tells me: "Look Jo, you got this. Think. Use your brain. You're soon to be a lawyer now. What would and could one do to solve this solution? What is your evidence or reason to back up your move? And if the client or the boss ask you questions, would you be able to answer it. Have you considered it in all angles that you possibly could?"

And the thing that keeps me going is that when I found a solution, I consulted my boss/ colleagues, and the satisfaction of getting it right or approval, is something indescribable. I guess that's what that makes me enjoy this still. And wanting and trying to better myself.

AND note to self: PLEASE be less blur and check your work ten thousand times before sending something out. There are no rooms or excuses for stupid elementary mistakes CJA.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

I'm 2 more months away from finishing my pupillage! I cannot believe that this is happening! Like when I first started, 9 months seems like such a long way to go. It's 3/4 of a year of doing your pupillage! That feels almost forever with the fact that one is not entitled to any leave. Though of course... I manage to have some. ;)

I just finished watching the last episode to Season 6 of Suits. The moment where Mike got admitted to the New York Bar.. the look of shock that it is really happening. I love that moment. And as cliche as it sounds, it made me realized that I am really passionate (?) about what I am doing. I cant wait until the day I get called to the Bar. I know I get a bit too excited about things like that. Some people feel it's just another milestone in one's life. Nothing big to celebrate or shout about. Some even don't look forward to it, feeling that it's such a hassle and can't wait to get it over with.  But to me, it's more of taking in the moment and appreciating it as something that you would only experience once at the age you were living at. Like graduating with a degree. Yes, you might go and and have a Masters later on, but it's just not the same. Like all the years of studying and what not, finally comes down to the moment on your graduation day! One should totally celebrate it ! ... unless you have a valid reason not to.

So, I can't wait and am really looking forward to the day I officially get admitted to the Court of Malaysia as an advocate and solicitor. The blood, sweat, tears and time that I have been putting in for the past 8 years all comes down to this. So is it a big deal to me? being the person that I am, HELL YEAH it is! Trust me to be all excited and announcing to the whole world about this. Hahahaa.

I don't know if I am really cut out for what I am currently doing, corporate law. Do I really fit in? I question myself from time to time on this. I know I am not stupid and actually kinda do have the brains for it. But I know, sometimes, although you have the brains, the commitment to work hard, the interest and the passion, if you don't have the strength and the character for it, if it's not meant for you. You can't force it. So, in times of self-doubt, these thoughts come into my head. I know I am still very young and there is a lot more experience that need to be gained here, but I just like to cut my losses early at times. (so Asian, I know)

But every now and then, when I get to see the end of something or manage to solve a problem that I am facing. I feel a great sense of satisfaction, the thrill of adrenaline and so very happy that I'll do a mini celebratory dance. Hahaha. I'm crazy, I know. And that made me realized, that I love what I do. Yes, I complain, whine, bitch, get annoyed, frustrated and super stress and scared about what I do. But, sometimes, I can't help but think that it was totally worth it and so thankful for the experience. And hey, whatever that doesnt kill you, only makes you stronger!

BUT .... I do want to try out different things too. And if I have the chance for a change in career, why not you know... or being to do something at the side. We shall see where this goes.


And so you fight

Have you wondered if some things are worth fighting for?
Maybe cause I like to quantify or look ahead at whether it really is worth it.. is it worth my time and energy for it.
I'm an impatient person and I know for a fact that due to that, often, I get bored of things fast or I dont finish things I set out doing.
I would like to think that I have made slight improvements over the years.
The thing is, I can get impatient, but I can be a little bit stubborn too at times.
When there are things that I want, I will not rest until I get it. Yes, that's me.
And hence, sometimes the dilemma or the what ifs thoughts of how much sometimes should you fight for things you want or believe in?

I think for now, I'm just not gonna put too much thought into this and go with the flow. I will fight until it's ok for me not to fight anymore.
I'm going to fight but not be blinded by it too much. I think at one point, it was consuming me, that it was having a bad effect on me instead of it doing any positive good.
There should be a balance between putting in effort and resting a little to see where it is taking me.
It might kill me at the end of the day, or it might just make me the happiest person in the world for holding on and fighting for what I believe in.

May the force be with me for all the things I'm fighting for and hopefully I'll be able to look back at this post and say to myself, that whatever happens, it was well worth it.