tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50481084819851942512024-02-02T09:29:29.690-08:00it's about moijoannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.comBlogger289125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-8887800621824016262020-03-25T21:02:00.003-07:002020-03-26T06:12:15.550-07:00How am I today?It feels like we are currently living life as portrayed in a movie where the world is ending. The world is currently experiencing a pandemic. Where I am right now, we are in an almost complete lock down and it is driving me crazy. Somehow, no one have yet or I have yet seen a meme on the different stages of emotions one goes through while being confined in their own homes. E.g, stage 1- rebelling, Stage 2- denial, Stage 3- acceptance., etc.<br />
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For the homebodies and the introverts, this is a dream come true. For the extroverts, this is pure torture. For those who are in between, it's a mix of emotions. It is a test. Having the freedom and choice taken away from you on whether you have the luxury to be able to choose to stay at home or to go out and socialize, a freedom we take for granted is frustrating. I never fully appreciated this freedom that was given to me. If you are staying with a housemate(s), lover or friend(s), now is a good time to discover if you are really compatible or that other person is slowly driving you crazy. However, in a way it is better than staying alone. At least you have company. And the world, for the first time in a very very long time is able to breathe and heal itself.<br />
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If you just got into a relationship or has been in a relationship for a while, or just got married, this is a good test, either staying together or both of you are self quarantining in your own home. And this I feel, one will go through the various stages of emotions as mentioned above too. I started out being positive and then it turned out to be a mix of being insecure and clingy. And now, I am just cranky and wondering why doesn't he text me first or check in on me. What is he doing? Why isn't he replying me? He should be in front of his computer.. Is he not checking up on me because technically there isn't much change or happening anyway. We are on lock down, our activity includes, sleep, eat, cook work, watch tv, repeat. Am I texting him too much? Am I suffocating him? I miss him. Does he miss me too? Will it freak him out now if I say the words 'I Love You' just cause I think I am ready? Is he ready? I don't want to impose my feelings on him and I still have that tiny fear of giving myself too much and the other person just takes it for granted and I'll be made a second option (yes, this has scarred me) and of course I have my own ego as well. Is my feelings progression moving at a much faster rate/level compared to him? Should I slow down? Or does he not realize all this until I take the first step because he is oblivious to it? Will he be ok with it if I do? But why is it that sometimes it feels that I have to initiate all these first?<br />
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Why does it feel like I need to be the one who says good morning and good night everyday? I wish he would put in more effort in that sense. Or is it just me and my expectations? To him, we are more than that. These small things doesn't really matter. Or does he not realize that I like or value these small things and these words of affirmation comforts me. It makes me feel that I am cared for?<br />
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Should I communicate these to him or just breath in and out and let this frustration pass? Is it cause he's not used to doing this and so he never thought it really mattered? I don't know... All these mixed thoughts, feelings and insecurities, am I turning into a crazy, controlling lover? Am I thinking too much into this? I hate the idea of that. But I do have my expectations at times and want to feel loved or getting some attention (?).<br />
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I realized that writing things down is an outlet for me to let out my anger, insecurities and feelings. This is a form I let things out other than talking to multiple people and getting their views on things or crying. Haahaha. I guess at times like this, this is truly a test and new to me. This is an unprecedented situation anyways. Phew, I feel much better and more calm after putting all these down. Maybe I am feeling all this because I am (i) bored, (ii) restless, (iii) feeling frustrated with my sister, (iv) feeling frustrated and basically being cranky of not being able to get the things I want, (v) feeling annoyed because I don't like to be bossed around at home, (vi) feeling disappointed and sad that I will not be able to celebrate my birthday this year, something I look forward to and get excited every year. And actually even more this year because (a) this year is the final year I am in my 20s, (b) I have a lover to celebrate it with this year, and (c) I was supposed to do my get my nails done at a nail saloon (truly a treat for me) but it got postponed. Yup, I know, a birthday is just another day. I have the entire month of April for this. But you know, it's kinda not the same. Oh well.<br />
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For today though, 26 March 2020, I decided to shut myself off for a bit from the internet world. No initiating text (cause I am slightly tired of doing it) unless important texts that must be made, no IG posts, no FB tags. Login into the social media apps just to check on things but no communication to anyone. Today, she feels like feeling nothing.<br />
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xxjoannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-76956554326332374622020-03-23T08:45:00.001-07:002020-03-25T20:41:51.225-07:00Overdue SummaryHere we are in the month of April. 4 months in 2019.<br />
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I had so many flowers and surprises this year that I truly appreciate all the celebrations I had.<br />
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<br />
Just realized that I was supposed to start on this post 11 months ago but I postpone it till today, March 2020. So much has happened in the past 11 months. I celebrated my birthday, got updates which confused me and gave me those tiny dangerous hope. Prepared my heart for June/July 2019 and sailed through work. Picking this up from my memory, got super busy in June and then had a moment of realization that the moment I have been waiting for, a countdown for 9 months is finally happening. I am finally gonna meet Jon after 2.5 years happened. I prepared myself to the very best. Had a bomb of a time, met Zach and am thankful that I dont hate him and I get to see someone else really like Jon makes me feel happy for him. Was put in a little bit of an awkward position of being friends with the guy you love and his new lover but wouldnt change anything for the world. Cried my eyes out after things fall back into place mid-July. Thankful I had an army of awesome friends for support.<br />
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Went to Good Vibes and got to experience a different kind of high from it. Happy to hang out with old and new friends. Then decided to go on a short but packed and extremely hot trip with the sister to Shanghai. Flew into a foreign country on a night flight and this is a new experience. Got to explore a city by myself. Deciding to pick a place and to eat alone is a pretty challenging task. Discovering things I like unexpectedly, Dairy Queen at Yuan garden and getting lost was pretty interest. Hunting for Shake Shack and then ta paoing it and made it back to the hotel for sunset and on the final evening there, having to watch the sunset with an awesome view while listening to good chill music was something extremely different and fun. Plus dengan muka tebalnya asking people's help to take photos of me, cause I am not really good with selfies.<br />
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In between this, I knew I wanted a break for my heart. But somehow the pain wasnt as bad as Jan 2019. This truly was a pretty good closure for me. And after that, Jon and I trashed it out of all the things we did and didnt do, feel and didnt tell each other and the reasons to it. We both regret certain things but I trust we both wouldnt really change how things are today. (I think). And then I met The Boy. It was a red flag at first because of his looks. But my heart wanted a distraction and I didnt take things that seriously..<br />
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But then we kept in contact and for the first time. a dinner met up I went to felt like a proper date. I was treated right that I totally wasnt used to it, but it felt so good and reassuring. I want to go out with this guy again and gosh he's cute when he smiles. And his confession during dinner amused me. He never had a girlfriend before. Ditto for me. He thought I wasnt interested in me and was ok to perhaps be friends with me after 2 outings or so. I thought the same. I couldnt read him. He said he's a texter but he isnt really in my books. Hahahaha. And then I made some moves and then he gets the hint. I asked him for a good night kiss when I bid goodbye after hanging out one night. And things kinda happened/move fast without us expecting it. Got caught by my brother and then my entire family as we both least expected it. And then he invited me to his place and then I slept over. And then we had the talk, and then we became official. Favourite moment to this that's forever saved in my mind, the morning after, we went for brunch at Li, and while crossing the road, the reached out to hold my hand and that's where it hit me that this is serious. This is happening. Hahaha. And then I celebrated his birthday, he met Azrin, I met his friends, he met my parents, I met his parents, we both celebrated Christmas and Valentine's this year. And I find myself falling for him a lot. How do I know? I am smiling recalling all of this and it makes me happy. I feel relaxed with him and can tell he really cares for me. Though of course we both have our days. I have my walls up at the beginning that it frustrates him, but I think I am slowly letting those walls down.. I think..<br />
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I was SO BUSY. Life was happening for me. In between this, I randomly decided to take on a part time job of cat sitting 4 cats owned by my neighbour for 6 months. IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST DECISION MADE. Aside from getting a pretty good income, I get to indirectly own pet(s) in KL and it was an eye opener to me really. For the first time in my life, I was solely responsible to look after a pet properly. Like from feeding them to picking up their poo and vomit. I had dogs all the while when I was a child till today. But I never had to really had to be fully responsible for them. I only need to do all the fun things of owning a pet. My parents took care of the rest. So this was an eye opener and I finally understand why people said that making a decision to own a pet, either solely or with a partner is like having a child. You now have another life yo are responsible. You have to wake up earlier and feed them before you go to work and make sure everything is ok before you leave the house. Your schedule changes and revolves around them. You cant stay out too late or if you do, must you feed them first, you cant stay over or go on trip without first making sure they are well taken care of.<br />
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Got pretty demotivated at work, which is a sign of danger and then found out literally on the last day of the working year that I should look for a new job because I am not meeting the expectations of my boss on my work performance and he feels that I cannot survive at my current law firm. I ended another year crying and started the new year at a low, again. The first week to work was extremely difficult. I would get panic attacks and seriously think I would go insane but try to hold my head high. Took advantage of the new year break and updated my CV, talked to multiple people and figure out if I want to jump to another firm and (the dread) to start all over again and to kill it or should I, as my boss said, join in house because it would perhaps be more suitable/ easy for me. I reach out to my contacts and was lucky to secure an interview on the mid 2/3 week of Jan. I continued hustling to look for a new job and even engaged a recruiter. It's funny how you have someone who helps you look for a job and to do all this for free. Attended a few interviews, got pretty sick quite often in Feb somehow, told myself to be patient on shitty days at work And for the first time ever, and this is crazy I got 2 job offers and good ones as well. Also, I think for the first time, attending an interview, I got to be myself a lot and without preparing myself for the answer, was able to really come out with good, intelligent answers which, looking back, I would say I was proud of myself.<br />
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In between all this, I and the world got scared/worried and paranoid on the Covid pandamic that is truly an unprecedented situation in the world. With that, we are currently working from home. Am truly blessed that with all these, I secured a new job and today, handed in my resignation via the phone and email to my boss. He was caught by surprise, and the experience of dropping this bomb was pretty fun and amusing. Am very thankful that through all this I have an army of support from The Boy, my friends and family. And it is starting to hit me, that after working in law firms for about 5 years and 3 months, I am leaving this life and joining to be an in house legal counsel instead. It hit me today and I am nervous and excited on this. The fear and insecurity that is in my mind thanks to my boss haunts me. But, I shall try my very best to be the best version of myself and use all the experience that I have gained thus far and give my all. It's time, Jo<br />
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Also, I hope I will be able to have a nice birthday celebration this year amid all this tension/chaos/panic. It is the last year that I will be in my 20s and a first that I will be celebrating with my boyfriend. So let's see how it goes. Maybe.... I will update about my birthday 11 months down the wrote and also writing my summary for 2020 then.<br />
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xxjoannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-88940823542217833092019-02-25T06:07:00.001-08:002019-02-25T06:07:17.521-08:00the past few years3 years go, you put yourself out there for love. You were surprised that you are actually not too bad yourself in the game of love. You know that playing with fire will get you burn a little as well. You learn a tad bit more about yourself and who your friends are.<br />
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Through this journey you met someone beautiful. You wanted to learn so much more about things. To experience more. And he is there (and still is) giving you and sharing that experience. You grew and change so much more. You got comfortable in your own skin and body. You get to know your value more. You didnt expect to be able to meet someone like this in this lifetime. You have almost given up on that thought and was ready to settle.<br />
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2 years go, you learn to accept another person. To not compare people. To open your heart again. To explore more. Sadly, what you thought was a beautiful person, turns out to be bad trips (of experiences and people). You experience sadness, doubtful thoughts, dissatisfaction and anger.<br />
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1 year ago, you heal more and surprise yourself. You finally became an adult. You thought this might be the start of something challenging but worth it. But sadly, this time around, it was a pretty bad trip as well.<br />
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As much as it was written down to state nothing much has changed, our friendship wont be changing, things do change/ have changed.<br />
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You don't own him. He's never fully yours and to be fair, you were never fully his. So what do you do? This feeling of sadness and fearing this change? Try to let go an move on? Yes, this is something easier said than done.<br />
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Deep down, you know this day might/will come. You just thought to prepare yourself to face it. It's ok. We all go through this in a different scale of heartbreak for each of us.<br />
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You have the right to be upset/hurt about the thought of it or from time to time as to how you are treated or taken for granted at times. You are only human. If he isnt with someone right now, he would have been down for it. Alas, this isnt the case. And so be it. You got this! Imagine if the situation is in reverse. He's the one being you and you, him. It would be weird as well if things do not change a little. It will be confusing as well I believe.<br />
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So now Jo, learn to draw the line. It's totally fine if he's still your ray of unspent sunshine. The one you excitedly take pictures and videos for, the one you put in the most effort for cards and well wishes. It's okay. But please no longer put him your priority. Don't move mountains for him.<br />
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You did foresee it coming, but not this bad. Being put in a situation you never thought you would have to deal with. But you dealt with it the best that you can. You stayed cool.<br />
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And then for the first time, your heart got broken or cracked really bad.You never know it could hurt like this and you could feel sadness this much You dont want to go through something like this again if you could help it. (you might or you might not, now).<br />
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You give yourself time to heal. You thought you are gonna be ok on certain days. That you are nearly healed. But then, certain things happened, or there were triggers and you realize that you are not all cried out yet. You are still learning how to move on. How to let go. Being the committed, ocd/ obsessive, no chill person that you are, this takes a bit more time compared to others perhaps.<br />
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But you know what, you do you, boo. Take all the time you need to heal, grow and have fun again. Don't simply discard it and try to hide it. Deal with it and heal Dont go crazy obsessive in tying to heal at the same time as well. You might be pushing yourself too hard.<br />
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Place it as an important ting to do and focus on. But dont let it be your all. Dont let it define you. Have fun and try to take your mind off it.<br />
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Focus to make yourself happy physically an mentally!!!) But dont look for short term happiness. Occasionally, this wouldnt hurt, but know your limits!<br />
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You got this Jo! You can do this.<br />
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The past 2.5 years, you have learnt more about yourself, what you want and need. You have experienced lust, like, confusion, love. Perhaps the next one to be experienced is to learn heartbreak and letting go and walking away from relationships of people who dont deserve you. Dont give too much. Dont be too nice. The whole process, from loving to unloving, to healing. You will perhaps then be ready to love again. This time, wisely and hopefully one that is worth it as well.<br />
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x- your heart and brain.joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-28635810659395380042019-02-08T08:55:00.003-08:002019-02-10T06:47:26.829-08:00HoneyYou say I’m too innocent<br />
You say I’m too much of an optimist<br />
You say I’m too sheltered, who never experience real hardship in life<br />
You say I have so much more I need to learn<br />
You say I’m too much of a dreamer<br />
<br />
<br />
But honey,<br />
<br />
I say, do not just judge a book by its cover<br />
I say, most of the time, yes, I break things down and look at them in a simple manner<br />
I say, most of the time, I’m upfront about my feelings and thoughts<br />
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But honey,<br />
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‘I’m a simple person who hides a thousand feelings behind the happiest smile’<br />
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I say, everyone has their own battle to fight, it’s something that one cant compare with another<br />
I say, why look at things negatively? It doesnt help one solve anything but cause misery<br />
I say, open your mind and think deeper, because the universe is looking at the bigger bigger picture<br />
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Honey,<br />
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You still have a lot of growing up to do.joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-33453347444812758262019-02-08T08:22:00.000-08:002019-02-08T08:22:18.948-08:00At the end of the day, I know that it’s every man for himself in all departments of one’s life.<br />
But never have I met someone so selfish. Be it an impulsive thought and request or a panic, selfish reaction or something that one has planned all this time, just waiting for the timing of it.<br />
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Never has someone pissed me off this bad. To have pushed me to my maximum limit of hating someone is something extremely rare. I forgive you but I will never forget. I dont wish you happiness nor do I wish you ill will. I just dont wish for anything for you for if it’s possible I do not sant to have anything to do with you ever.<br />
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I am thankful that I get to learn so much from this. It is one hard lesson learnt. It’s okay. Maybe it’s my karma or it maybe one for you in the future. Maybe it’s karma for the both of us.joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-82146432356010767262019-01-13T00:56:00.001-08:002019-01-13T00:56:40.831-08:00NightsNights where I cried so much to the point of exhaustion, I fell asleep right after I let my tears dry for a bit.<br />
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Nights where I was so exhausted from work and life that I dont have enough energy left to cry and woke up in the morning crying instead.<br />
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Nights where I feel so lonely but not in a bad way just lonely and I just get sad suddenly.<br />
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Nights where I look out of my room window and say repeatedly to myself - I'll be fine.I'll get through this and pray that I have the strength to go through life each day.<br />
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Nights where I'm mentally exhausted but I can't seem to sleep.<br />
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Nights where I'm so tired but I dream of weird dreams and wake up feeling I didnt get enough rest.<br />
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Nights where I struggle to search for a song to fit my mood for the night to help me sleep.<br />
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Nights where I think of the endless what ifs<br />
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Nights where I wonder if you are worth fighting for?<br />
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Nights where I wonder if I'm many a times holding on to things that I should let go instead<br />
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Nights where I doubt myself and get hella insecure and just wish that someone will be there to hug me and cuddle me and tell me that i'm ok, and so i curl myself into a ball, hug Beary and Teddy Cat a little bit tighter than usual and tell myself, you'll be alright.<br />
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Nights where I smile to myself, thankful that I have survived another day, everything's gonna be ok and assure myself that tomorrow will be a good day and I head to dreamland. a deep dreamless sleep.joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-46826219131687170242019-01-13T00:24:00.001-08:002019-01-13T00:24:55.861-08:00things on the sideI ended the year and started off the new year experiencing literally a ball of emotions. Work has been crazy, boss has been bitchy and passive aggressive towards me, had a little bit of family drama and relationship as been.... interesting<br />
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I think by far I have never met such an asshole in my life. You either consciously or subconsciously has been informing the group that you are dating someone. Obviously everyone including me knows. On New Years Eve, you think it's ok to bring her to do countdown together. And at 6pm, while I was happily getting ready, you decided that it would be 'the right and respectful thing' to do to personally text me to say that your plus one is the girl you have been going out with. You guys just got together so no official labels yet. Ummm, hello, that's not rocket science to me. </div>
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And then you had the cheek to say you hope things are cool between us that I wouldnt meStarntion anything we did/had before.. because your girlfriend is insecure about your past and you know that it's your fault. I have never felt anger that way. So basically you texted me to ensure that I'll keep my mouth shut. And then I have to be at the party facing you and your girlfriend as if nothing had ever happen.</div>
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I can be the mean bitchy girl if I want to. But that's not me. So I put on my fake smile, drink and conveniently just avoid unnecessary conversations with you that night. It's a whole new level of realization that I can play stuff cool though I probably would have killed you in my head 10 thousand times already. Thankful that I had a very good support system to get me through it. And I surprised myself by how fast I got over you. I guess you really push me to the limit and your asshole actions definitely helped me move on fast.</div>
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Fingers crossed that I would be able to close certain project smoothly. Last week was the literal experience of whatever that can go wrong for Completion, will go wrong. But nonetheless, the words that MCG told me which was told by WWK is that, that's how you learn and grow to become a good lawyer. If all things go smoothly, that's great, but you'll never learn or grow to solve situations and problems.</div>
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So if you were to ask me how did I start off my 2019, well, with a lot of tears and stress. But it's all good. </div>
joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-31689548300895576512019-01-01T07:40:00.002-08:002019-01-13T00:26:26.255-08:00my ray of unspent sunshineWhen someone you really like / love finds a person whom they connect with on a lot of levels and you completely understand that that is something hard to find and can be pretty rare, and seeing how happy and excited they are. You know they have found someone special. One part of you truly feel happy for him while another part of you, without any hate, bitterness, anger or any ill feelings feels sad. You were not hurt intentionally. But the heart breaks a little or is this a whole heartbreak?<br />
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The brain and gut feeling tells me, you know you are going to be fine, but somehow you tear randomly without any warning and when night falls, you get sad at times. Yes, you are in pain. But you know well enough that time will heal this and you will be fine. Seeing the person you treasure the most find happiness is such a beautiful thing. Compared to other people that I have fallen for, I couldnt or wasnt ready to wish them happiness cause there is some sort of resentment or feeling unsatisfied towards the person.<br />
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But this is different. I want him to be happy and wish for him to have nothing but love and happiness. I hope he finds someone that lights up his day like how he’s my ray of unspent sunshine. He deserves to be happy. I’m still excited to meet him in July ... perhaps with a different feeling and excitement now with changed circumstances. But nonetheless very excited.<br />
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I hope our friendship never change. You will forever have a special place in my heart. I have written this down and said it many times, I am forever more grateful that I get to meet you in this lifetime. I learnt and grow so much as a person. You support and genuine take of who I am and to ask me to never change or compromise myself for anyone and that I deserve someone awesome and the patience of listening to my ‘issues’ and giving good advices and always layan-ing me and just unexpectedly making my day. I can never thank you enough for this. Perhaps you are my Marry Poppins.<br />
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I wish you nothing but for all the love and happiness in this universe and the strength to overcome any sadness or challenges that you may face. I think I’ll always love you. 6 months to go. I wonder how I'll be then.<br />
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xxjoannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-36103356064755895932018-12-23T07:51:00.000-08:002019-01-13T00:09:37.538-08:00Ah. So here we are. Less than 1 week away before 2018 come to an end. The last one month has been crazy in terms of work and social life. There were good days and bad days but nonetheless a good experience. So thankful for all the people that entered and stayed in my life and for those who walked away and/or me walking away from some people in my life this year as well. Let’s see how 2019 goes! Am excited and enthusiastic for it :D<br />
<a name='more'></a> It’s past 1.30 am in the morning. I woke up to seeing my brother panicking a little as he says he couldnt breathe properly. Sis imstructed me to call the ambulance. In a calm and half annoyed manner (cause I was sleepy), I dialled 999 and was at the same time figuring out how to explain the current situation. Was connected to the seremban hospital and then proceeded to change my clothes and waited at the porch for the ambulance.<br />
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The moon was shining brightly tonight. The ambulance came, I lead them in and then 10 minutes later we got onto the ambulance. After registering the brother in the ER, we were asked to wait outside. It was interesting to people watch. Suprising that the hospital was packed with people at 2 am in the morning. The paramedics and doctors looked tired and bored while sitting down at their deisgnated spots. However, they are alert at what is happening and is quick to react shen people come in. I was impressed. They need to upgrade the ER. And the toilet. As I came out from the toilet, 3 people rushed in where one guy seemed to be bleeding a LOT and the girl that came with him seemed to be drying and calling her boss informing the boss that they are at the hospital. Doctors or hospital assistant rushed to them and I can see my sister scooting out of the way. We seat further awya from where the brother was in (the Yellow zone). We went to check on him and communicated through texts. Ahh, technology. We see families coming in and out and people falling asleep. At 3am, I couldnt stay awake any longer and decided to get some short nap as well. Sleeping on a chair is a skill I have developed from the years of travelling by train.<br />
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Finally, close to 4.40am, the brother came out and said that the docs did a full body check and he is not required to be admitted to the hospital and was prescribed with meds and we can go home. Ordered grab and back home we went. Sis was in her worried, panicked mode. We discussed that it is time we are able to drive independently to cater for times of emergencies like tonight.<br />
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Parents came home later in the afternoon today and sis wasnt sure if we should tell our parents and consulted me. I felt we needed to and went to break the news. Brother got angry with me and use some rude language towards me which I do not appreciate. I got annoyed. Mum and sis went on panic/worried/pitt mode. Me on the other hand, hardened and told the brother off. ‘If at 30 years of age, you arenot anle to think and care more for yourself, when you should. No one can help you much. You are an adult and have a brain.’ And I walked off. After much advise and talks over the uears, if he doesnt aant to accept it, guess he just likes to learn things the hard way.<br />
<br />
But nonetheless, am glad that he is well and hopefully will always be well.<br />
<br />
<br />
xxjoannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-23133198304975122772018-11-17T06:06:00.000-08:002018-12-23T07:32:09.132-08:00A short summary for 20182018 is coming to an end soon. Ah, what a year it has been. I changed my job and is much happier with my boss. Unexpectedly my office had to move location and the office now is so much nearer to my place.<br />
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Had my first bridesmaid duty, witness a beautiful wedding where my best friend got married. Attended a number of weddings. Saw and heard loads of engagement news. So happy for people whom I love and care about finding the love of their life. Had a fair share of heartbreak and confusion this year as well. But then I learnt more of what I want and got stronger to realize I deserve to be treated right and better love. Discovered that I'm good at things I didnt expect myself to be good at. ;)</div>
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A times of insecurity, I learnt to appreciate and love myself more, and though I have my flaws, I am awesome the way I am and I do not need to change myself for a person when there's nothing wrong about myself but just cause they don't like me or want me for their own selfish reasons.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Consciously realized that I'm too kind many a times and I should not let people take advantage of my kindness nor take me for granted. And that I do not know how to cut toxic people out of my life. I know this is bad and I am working on it.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Feeling so blessed getting to see Lorde, The NBHD, Odesza, Louis the Child, the XX, Above and Beyond, Honne, live this year and will be catching Alesso, Mura Massa, Major Lazer and many more for DWP which is happening in less than 1 month!</div>
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<br /></div>
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Worked out like crazy and realized I really enjoy boxing and spin classes this year and of course I unluckily dislocated my knee. A pain I would not want to go through again in life if possible. Rode in an ambulance and got myself checked in and out of the hospital alone myself which made me realize that I am really an adult now and can handle things pretty alright. Haahaha.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Made new friends and good friends at work and personally as well. Very blessed to have meet this people in my life. The best friend Azrin, is moving to UK in less than 5 days and I'm still in denial =( so blessed to have met her and always grateful for her advice and looking out for me and encouraging me to try new things! Love you always!!</div>
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Partied quite a bit as well this year and good fun nights as always. =)</div>
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<br /></div>
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So so so happy and excited that Jon will be visiting next year! Still amazed that we still keep in touch with each other! </div>
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<br /></div>
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Also, I have joined the world of bigger sized phone with the new iphone XR and am slowly getting used to it! And I have deleted all dating apps and it's just a breath of fresh air not having the thought at the back of my mind whether I got a match with someone and all that jazz. Am happy to just be single for now and focus on myself, even if it means I get lonely at times. But I rather have that than fall for an asshole or be in a toxic relationship.</div>
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Excited for the upcoming last 1 month before the new year. To more adventures and fun.</div>
joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-19232091026399052802018-08-26T09:05:00.001-07:002018-08-26T09:28:00.458-07:00<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I used to get anxious and fidgety when you go out for coffee with other girls or has thoughts of wanting to text or have closure with your ex. Today though, when you told me that, I feel nothing and I’m happy that I felt and reacted that way. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I think I sound like ‘yeah bitch I’m done with your bullshit’. I let you treat me as a safety net option all this while and didnt realize it. I was too positive/hopeful that you will somehow feel something more from me. I trusted you enough to have you as my first. I didnt know why I let you treat me that way. I regret nothing for you made me realize that I deserve something so much better. I dont need a grand declaration of love or romantic events and be showered with flowers (though occassionaly, it doesnt hurt) or material things, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask to expect to be treated right, with respect and someone who just thinks that the sun shines out of my ass (paraphrasing the movie Juno)</span></div>
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<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">What you said to me on a Tuesday 2 weeks ago made me snap and I was just done with it. I deserve hella lot more than a kid who treats me like a doormat or only looks for me when you need to satisfy your ego or lust or need a rational opinion on things. </span></div>
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<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">To drive my to this point is really something. As a quote I stumbled upon sometime ago : never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a fuck. That’s my maximum level. If yoy push me to that level, I can be a cold heartless person you thought I never could be.</span></div>
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xx</div>
joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-83599244930096135822018-08-26T01:27:00.001-07:002018-08-26T09:33:12.714-07:00Over timeI'm thankful for all the people I have come across in my life so far. Some are just passerby some are here to stay for a season or two, some are here to stay for a long time. I am blessed that for those who choose to hang around, for all their care and love. I am disappointed in those I thought care for me more, but didnt. But you learn about a person the longer you get to know them. Their likes, dislikes and quirks. I learn about myself too at the same time.<br />
<br />
I had a lot of time the past week to reflect on certain friendships and relationships, thinking back on how it has changed or grown over a period of time.It's amusing and there were certain regrets here and there, wishing I could turn back time to change or respond to certain things differently. But I guess then it wouldnt lead to where it has is today then.<br />
<br />
xxjoannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-38994668345703139312018-08-23T01:42:00.001-07:002018-08-26T09:41:01.230-07:00Popping it in and outHere I am again. 2 months after my previous post. How have I been since my previous post? Busy. I was busy for all the departments in my life. <br />
<br />
On the work end, it’s been 6 months now since I started at RDL. Time certainly flies. I am happy and thankful that I manage to fit in with my colleagues so far. My boss.... he is a character. But I really look up to him that he is so good at what he does at such a young age that I want to deliver good work from my end for him and to be able to learn more from him. He can be difficult to deal with at times, there are days where I really hate him, but more than not, I can still take it. Questions on how long will I stay in practice or with the firm? I guess it depends on how my first bonus goes, whether there might be better opportunities out there and what not. But for now, I am okay with being where I am. This multijurisdiction acquisition project has been killing me but it’s in a way a good experience and exposure for me. And I am completing/closing my first deal tomorrow! Let’s hope everything goes on fully tomorrow until the file is declared close.<br />
<br />
On family end, my uncle(s) have been sick. And my mum has been taking care of them but they have the cheek to not appreciate the effort and instead let out their anger on her or is so demanding at their sick times that it gets annoying at times really. I have very little respect for my uncles at times because they talk as if they are all that but their actions always doesn’t follow through. Seeing this and other things in life, I am a firm believer that actions speaks louder than words. You can promise me the entire universe for all I care, but I’ll only ever believe it if you follow it through your actions as well. Someone told me that, but don’t you think you should also take into consideration of their omissions as well? There might be a reason for their omissions at times.True. I have never take that into account before really. But I was thinking about it randomly the other day, but if you choose to omit something and not explain or follow up through another action to justify that omission, then one would never know it at the end of the day anyway. I guess I have been let down a few times by words alone in life that whatever words that I’ve put it out there, I try to follow it up with my actions.<br />
<br />
On relationship end, well, I have been having feelings for a person for sometime. I have a belief and gave myself a kinda rough timeline as to how long I should wait for him. For the first time too, I took effort to organise and plan a birthday for a guy I really like and was really happy that he loved it and appreciate it. I love birthdays and I like giving a person a good birthday celebration. I have no expectations that through that effort/ thoughtfulness of mine that it would lead to something more, if any, I was prepared for that to be my final effort to in a way win his heart. Or for it to be just that. Nothing more. I don’t need or want anything more from that. But he was touched and said things which seems promising and seems to be trying. Maybe I misinterpret it or read too much into it. Through a normal then serious phone conversation last Tuesday, where a plan to have closure all this while from his ex became I want closure and to give my one last shot and my all to win her back. The moment I heard that, my heart was half filled with dread and sadness. My brain just went : You are done Jo. Walk away from this. There is no point pursuing this anymore. He is not worth it. He is in a way blind. Just walk away. You are better off without him.<br />
<br />
And that I did. I told him I don’t hate him. I have my feelings sorted, which I kinda did by having this wall all this while from preventing myself from falling from him deeper. He does somewhat meant something to me. Is it a lot though? I would say that he meant the huge deal to me. I mean I have come to realize how much I mean to him as of late as well? Am I terribly sad or angry? Not a lot. It’s like my heart and brain is telling me he is not even worth it to have a full on cry fest. Which surprisingly I didn’t. I cried for 10 and perhaps 20 mins on 2 separate occasion when I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and on another occasion I think it was through his response to my text message. And in between this going on, I was busy at work, attending a wedding and a hen’s night and dealing with some friendship drama regarding the wedding and stuff and getting excited for DWP X. So yay for having a lot of things to keep me occupied.<br />
<br />
Attended Kim’s hen night and wedding last Thursday and Saturday. First time clubbing with kim<br />
and her siblings and her are so funny. I had a really good and tiring night but it was worth it. Then attended her wedding on Saturday morning and evening and it was very simple and beautiful. I really like her wedding video and photos. The photographer and videographer really did a good job. And then I hung out till 4.30 am! I think this is one rare occasion where I just hung out with a person till so late just talking about stuff, and I did not foresee tears or really deep conversations. But it’s nice. I don’t know what kind of impression I gave, but hopefully not something along the line of : ok. This girl is crazy and has too many things happening for her and talk too much and is just weird and crazy. Hahaaha.<br />
<br />
<br />
I went for my 9.15 am boxing class the next day, sleepy but still believing that I would be able to survive the class when I think like 15-20 mins in class, where I was twisting my body/ leg to throw in a punch that I dislocated my knee cap,it was so painful that I fell to the ground and tried to get help. Azrin saw me and called for the instructor. They though I had a cramp or something minor initially I think, until I showed them my kneecap and they went : oh shit,I freaked out too, bless Elaine who came to sit with me by my side talking to me like normal trying to take my mind off the pain and telling me that I was gonna be fine, thanks to the initial shock, I felt the pain but I guess it was still manageable. But the ambulance came only after the class ended and towards the end of the class, the shock was wearing off and the pain starts hitting me that I started crying. And I was horrified when they told me they are gonna pop my kneecap back in just like that with no tools or painkillers. I’m usually the type who will try to scream silently, but I just couldn’t. Had to scream out loud and bite my tee while they pull my leg straight for the knee cap to move back in, this is something I hope I would experience again.<br />
<br />
I’m not gonna lie that I was kinda hurt that Azrin and Leanda didn’t offer to accompany me to the hospital. And after registering myself and stuff and the only thing left was to wait for my turn to see the doctor that I started contacting my close friends and parents to awkwardly tell them about my situation and assure them I am fine, I don’t know why I feel awkward and embarrassed, I just don’t want them to burden or worry them too much. I was contemplating if I should tell my parents only when I got home, but decided that I should just notify them first,<br />
<br />
And am now recovering well from it. This experience also made me realize that hey, I can handle stuff on my own in the event I got into an accident and am alone. I am blur as to where to go about at the hospital and stuff, but hey I did it andafter getting my meds and all managed to order a grab back home.<br />
<br />
I am once again very thankful of everyone who texts me to keep track of my recovery and offering to get me food and what not and this also made me realize that the people whom I was expecting to care more didn’t really bother doing that. That made me show how much I meant to them in their life I guess. But hey, I guess the saying of no expectations no disappointments are usually the best. Oh well. I’ll be fine and whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.<br />
<br />
On the friendship department, I have been trying to avoid my friend who is a bit toxic for me and I thought I was wrong about this cause she’s so nice to me recently again and stuff but again, i’m not entirely sure about this. We shall see how things goes I guess.<br />
<br />
I am currently loving or trying to love and appreciate life and take all that has happened as a new experience and lesson learnt for the future and to help me be a better person. I am no saint of course. In this process, I go all emo, bratty and rant and curse and self pity myself and hate the world. But it’s all good. May the force continue to be with me for the rest of the year for whatever life has in store for me, be it good or bad. No pain no gain I guess.<br />
<br />
xx<br />
<br />joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-19550239385460519582018-06-16T11:42:00.001-07:002018-06-16T11:49:11.362-07:006 BalloonsSomeone I hold dear to told me that there is not enough time in the world for one to be able to watch all the good movies in the world. I agree there is just so much one can watch at times given that we are all so busy with so many things with the different departments of our lives.<br />
<br />
As and when I have a chance, I try to watch as many movies in my list or recommended by the internet or friends or just random movies that I thought looked good. I saw this trailer of 6 balloons - a nextflix film. The reason I was drawn to this movie initially was due to Dave Franco. And then I found out that this movie was about drug addiction and upon watching the trailer, I decided I wasn’t ready to watch this movie. I guess you would think I am fine or just no longer give shit or care about what is or has happened to my brother. Sometimes it feels more like: “ I just no longer want to deal with it anymore but sometimes I don’t have a choice and it scares me, a lot”. At times like this, suddenly my opinion matter and I seem to be rational calm one. Able to point out what is the next best step or how we should deal about this step by step while at the same time still try to be two steps ahead and trying to deal with alternative situations which might happen instead. I’m not complaining, but when it happens more than once because you know that person didn’t change, I had it. No more second chances, your actions, your life, you deal with the shit and consequences.<br />
<br />
Halfway through watching 6 Balloons, I wanted to stop. My brain is going on panic mode and my heart is freaking out trying to gage if I can handle the rest of the film. Part of me wants to stop the film and to not watch it anytime soon. The other part of me said, “ hey, you have started this, just get through it”. I proceeded with the later and felt sick to my stomach watching certain scenes unfold. Flashback or certain memories and emotions replayed in my mind.<br />
<br />
No. I did not see first hand withdrawals symptoms at its worst for my brother, I am not sure if I d<br />
<br />
id or did not see my brother high before nor was he addicted to such a strong drug, but seeing it being<br />
despicted so real, it makes me sick to my gut that I feel like puking and what I could think of was did my brother went through something like that too? Did it got that bad? I know it got bad to point where he needed to lie and steal things. The next thought was also, what would I do in a situation like that? The narration of the movie is a 10 step level of how one feels like they are drowning. I related to that, and hence the question I was asking myself as I was watching the film was that, what would I do, I understand the actions and decision of the Dave Franco’s sister. To see the person you love dearly be in such pain and desperation and at the same time you are trying to do the right thing saving him but the final and fastest solution to it is to give the thing that is destroying him just so that he is able to breathe and be ok for a while, is something extremely hard while trying to hide it from your family and your partner to try and deal with it yourself. It hit me hard.<br />
<br />
After Dave was ok, and I guess is high and seems to be a completely different person and for a moment everything seems to go back to normal-happy, it’s crazy. You are relieved yet ashamed and second guess your decision to give him the thing that destroys him. And the look on your parents, your partner confronting you on why did you not share or let him in on this and the look on your friends face because they know what is happening. The scene where Dave was predicting what his parents would always say for e.g the mum said that he broke her heart, the desperation of trying to administer the drugs that there was no water and he resorted to use the tester from the toilet bowl, how the sister said that he’s a piece of shit, and where did things go wrong, they came from the same place.It scared me, made me feel sick and broke me at the same time.<br />
One who has experienced this first hand would be able to feel it watching it now from a third eye view. As Dave was all happy and normal, that was the scene that make me cry uncontrollably. When he said, let’s go, I can really do it this time, I can really get clean now. I snorted and think to myself, no, it might not and it’s going to be a long fight.<br />
<br />
Dave was expecting the usual, his sister to drive him to rehab and help him get clean without realising that all his actions, reactions and symptoms was affecting his loved ones, the sister being the closest to him, affected her so much, make her paranoid and scared so much and it was drowning her.<br />
<br />
I like the ending of she finally realised that to help him was to actually leave him and let him leave up to his word and how it through his actions and to also make him not take her for granted. That what he was doing and her help was affecting her and she has to be selfish for once and to wake him up that he needs to sort out his own shit now and she cannot always be there to care for her. I love it. I wished they show whether he really did get clean or just went all angry and back to his ways and get more screw up in the end, because let’s face it, it takes a lot and it’s very hard for someone to turn over a new leaf with a snap of the finger. I guess it’s up to interpretation and those who has experienced something like that even more so would be able to draw a realistic conclusion to it.<br />
<br />
It is a movie that you would need to hug someone after you watch it or talk to someone after it. I did not see this coming and a few persons came to my mind to want to talk to this. I am however not sure if I want to burden them with this thought or side of me, and at this hour, writing it all down here helps. I guess here is to a better tomorrow,<br />
<br />
xxjoannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-43079482468797761582018-05-06T10:07:00.000-07:002018-08-26T01:37:56.381-07:00The past 6 months: MadnessWas reading an article a friend who goes by the name of Richard wrote on how therapy has helped him in his life for all the things that he had to go through for the past year and it got me thinking about this blog here that I have amd have neglected for close to 6 months now. It was a good article and a different one because he is one of the people I know that had to go through so much in life and getting to know him for the past 7 months or so, he has come a long way and am happy and proud of him (in a way). Dont ask me why. I just feel so.<br />
<br />
Scrolled through and read some old posts which were like 4-5 years ago! And I was thinking to myself : ‘dang girl, you are one emo kid.’ It is at the same time amusing reading about the heartbreaks I get from the crushes I use to have on some guys which took me a moment to figure out just now whom am I being sad for. Haha.<br />
<br />
Since my last post in November 2017, where I guess I was sad and angry and felt so tidak puas hati, and to see how far I’ve come from it, it’s a wonder and true how time flies and heals things.I ended the post with the quote, you never get over it, you just get to a point where it doesnt bother you too much. Upon reading that, my initial reaction was like : pffft, I was so wrong. I am so over you. But thibking about it again and to put it in words here, I guess that quote is right. It doesnt bother me any more these days really. Just on days where you post stuffs like: “ I’m happy at where I am right now and the person I choose to be with and am currently with.’’ This makes me roll my eyes and I would be lying to say I am not affected by that statement. But it’s not a feeling of hurt, more to like I’m just not satisfied by it! Well I guess in a way, I was the cause of it by the fact that I gave you the choice of making me an option and was so nice and naive about it. But oh well, I learnt my lesson.<br />
<br />
So how have I been for the past 6 months? To sum it in one word: Crazy. Went for my first rave festival and had a really good time! Now have a partner in crime for festivals and events - Balqis :) Took a break off dating apps- or rather I’m just there when I really need to kill time in office and just not looking actively to be in a relationship right now. Finally quit my job and landed a new one! Thankful for all the nice people I get to meet in the realm of my professional life and am back working in the same firm as Li Ying!!<br />
<br />
Went to Penang for a short holiday and got drunk but had a really good time there! Am going to be a bridesmaid for the first time in my life!<br />
<br />
Before I really went on a hiatus on dating, met a person whom I guess I’m really comfortable with and in a way I share certain things with whom I dont share such things with a lot of people. Am I attracted to thus guy (physically and emotionally) : yes. But somehow, the gut feeling knows that now is not the right timing. So perhaps, pwrhaps if we are meant to be that somewhere in the near future, where if the feelings are ever mutual at the same and right timing, I would like to date you seriously. I have no idea if we can handle each other. But it will be interesting I guess. I was just thinking to myself, it would be so interesting, if one day, it’s like : let’s turn things back and be uncomfortable a little and go on a proper date. Yea, I’m such a hopeless romantic at times. This is just a thought with mininal expectations.<br />
<br />
I have learnt over the years that when you expect too much at times, and it doesnt work out, you’ll just get sad and disappointed about it where in contrast if you dont expect anything, and something awesome happens, that feeling of happiness and surprise is just indescribable.<br />
<br />
And I guess on 06.05.2018 I’m officially an adult. It wasnt someting I plan to happen but it did. Do I regret it? Not really somehow. I just imagined it to be a bit more different and a tad bit more special. But it wasnt much.<br />
<br />
I guess 2018 is a year where I get to know more about myself, what I want and what I am striving. And given that it’s now May. That means almost half of 2018 has passed!!! Gosh how time just flew by this year! I’m 3 months in my new job (which by the way, I am now cofirmed as well)! It’s crazy! Just crazy!<br />
<br />
<br />
Here’s to hopefully a good second half of the year and may I have the strength and positivity to get through and overcome things and enough logic to figure things out as I go through things.<br />
<br />
<br />
xx.joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-11137704268486075332017-11-14T17:19:00.001-08:002017-11-14T17:19:06.741-08:00I'm fineI'm not depressed. I can still smile at pretty things, and laugh when jokes are funny.<br />
I can still talk to people and enjoy nice days.<br />
But when I go inside, when I am alone,<br />
There is something broken.<br />
And I fall into a sadness so sweet, that it engulfs me.<br />
I look into the mirror and I don't like what I see.<br />
And the tears always fall<br />
When I'm falling asleep, and I miss something that doesnt exist.<br />
<br />
I am not depressed.<br />
I've just been sad for a while.<br />
But I can still find the light.<br />
I can still smile.<br />
<br />
________________________________________________________<br />
<br />
I still have my rays of unspent sunshine which I draw up in times of darkness<br />
<br />
________________________________________________________<br />
<br />
You never get over it.<br />
But you get to where it doesn't bother you too much.<br />
<br />
________________________________________________________joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-36652301302109251412017-11-09T23:11:00.000-08:002017-11-09T23:11:11.257-08:00A new chapterAfter 8 years (from A-levels till pupillage), I am finally a lawyer in Malaysia. It's surreal. It feels as if it's only yesterday where I was this innocent young kid starting college didn't really know what she had sign herself for.<br />
<br />
I think everyone close around me knows I get excited for events. I don't know how to describe it. I guess I feel that moments like these happens only once in your life. So, your mind being the recorder of your life, should savour and live in such moments.<br />
<br />
(muka tebal part) I look pretty and so professional in court attire with the robe and high court collar. I was shocked myself. HAHAHAHA. Arrived super early for my long call. And got stressed out about it because my mover was late and everyone just keep coming up to me to ask where my mover was. And then asked me if I have my speech with me. It was then I realized, oh shit. Should have insisted on the final version soft copy. And hence, my turn from no.8 got moved to No.10 (the last one for the day).<br />
<br />
I guess in a way it was a blessing in disguise as well because, Azrin, Michelle, Louis, Yik Yee, See Wei made it on time to hear my speech. I was so excited and happy to see them. I dont know if other pupils sitting at the side made contact with their friends at the audience sitting area, but I did. Haha.<br />
<br />
Hearing all the speeches of the other pupils before me got me emotional and made me feel like crying. I was thinking to myself inside (and not saying out loud for people might think I am crazy) : This is it guys!!!!! We made it!!! Like whaaaatttttttt. Wohooooooo. Hahaha. Yes. I get excited people. And I was just savouring every moment of it. <br />
<br />
As my turn got closer, I became surprisingly nervous. Hahaha. The heart started beating faster and the palms got sweaty. I was worried that I might screw up something. I was the girl wearing the highest heel there as well. <br />
<br />
As I stood at my designated spot, and my mover begin reading out my speech. A mixture of feeling proud, 'oh shit, this is really happening' and just happy swept in. I try to look for my family and friends when they were addressed in my speech. And love the part where my mover, Siu Lin read: the Petitioner would like to thank her friends, Azrin, (saw her going awwwww), Li Ying, Michelle Chong, Sweet Yin, Mei Wee, Yik Yee, Cheng Wei and Jon, and she then added : the Petitioner just have a lot of friends" to which a few people and I laughed. Haha. And was surprised and nodding to myself as I hear my finalized speech for the first time. Hahahaa.<br />
<br />
And I like my speech. I felt like it was one of the best (second muka tebal moment here). And I love the flowers I got! Thanks to Vivian and Kenny and my salmonellas and Mei Wee for getting me flowers. And my sstwo for getting me a pen and also having dinner with me. 27 October 2017. Truly a day in history that is embedded in my mind for life.<br />
<br />
Also, I think it was a day before I met Jon a year ago! Can't believe it has been a year since we met and got to know each other! Time flies so fast! It's surprising because I thought I would never get over it, but I can live with what we are now. I dont want to think/hope too much into it anymore. The current thought is just, if it's meant to be, it will be. Of course though, I'll work hard and try to go US in the near future ans hope that he'll visit Asia again soon too. So yea :)<br />
<br />
-xxjoannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-4425816630677775652017-08-23T00:43:00.001-07:002017-08-23T00:43:59.327-07:00Back to lifeAnd I am back to work after my pupillage break.<br />
<br />
How was my holiday? It started off with me still having to work a little and being busy with my pupillage documents filling but it ended off beautifully.<br />
<br />
Went for a cheap but super #yolo and full of random experiences trip with Ms. Sweet. I was initially feeling nervous going on this trip as the days drew nearer to it cause it was the first time I'll be traveling with Ms.Sweet alone. Just the two of us. She's my oldest friend, but never have I hung out with her for more than 36 hours I think, what more traveling with her.<br />
<br />
It turns out that we are compatible travel partners! I'm so thankful of that. And I got to know her a lot more during this trip. With our rooftop breakfast talks, bus ride talks and also pillow talks, I am glad that I was able to learn more about my old friend. It's not that I didn't know her, but given the fact that she was studying overseas and started off work first, and then started to work overseas, meant that, I still know her, just I didnt know her well after living on different environment over the years. I would say I didnt know how she changed to become the person she is today. And I guess, she got to know the changed version of me a bit more too. <br />
<br />
It was a perfect balance of doing nature and the beach for this holiday. That if I could, I want to have more of this kind of holiday in the future! I realized that perhaps I'm more of a nature/city person compared to a beach person. Beach getaways are confined only for pure relaxation/being totally lazy/honeymoon type of holiday.<br />
<br />
Plus, for the second time, I get to walk around and spend a couple of hours in a foreign country by myself. The first time was in Korea last year where MQ's leg was giving up on her and I went around on my own and met up with Joey for a meal. This time it was cause Ms. Sweet had an earlier flight back home and hence.being alone. It was totally fun in me pampering myself and challenging myself to make decisive decision of what I want, not to look stupid and trying to be comfortable just hanging out with myself or socializing with random strangers.<br />
<br />
Experienced a full body massage for mani and pedi (this was disappointing) for the first time! Mmmm, I could get use to more of these kind of pampering in the future I would say. So all in all, it was a super nice holiday. It's not always one get to travel with plane-buses (local and touristy ones)-boat-motorbike-vans and card in a span of 6 days. Hahahahaa.<br />
<br />
Also! Am looking forward to my long call. As I was reminiscing my career journey, I realized it took me 8 years to finally be able to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. To finally officially be a lawyer with all the valid education and practicing license/certificate to it. 8 freaking years. I took my own time in getting here. I definitely did sweat blood and tears and fats for this. No regrets whatsoever though. The experiences and people that I've come to know along the way is something I wouldnt trade over.<br />
<br />
May the force be with me to provide me with enough strength and intelligence to move forward in terms of all departments of my life.<br />
<br />
xxjoannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-26299307991022664072017-06-19T20:41:00.002-07:002017-09-27T01:37:58.778-07:00Nearing the end of another chapter nowI have 15 working days left before my 9 months of pupillage comes to an end! It's surreal!<br />
<br />
It feels just like a month ago that I started the dreaded 9 months (without any official leave entitlements whatsoever) training, feeling scared and nervous as to what lies ahead of me. Certain months were bad as I discovered the firm where I was reading my pupillage at is not as it seems.<br />
<br />
I did however decide to stay on, for the better purpose for my resume. The targeted expiry date: December 2017 or perhaps by May 2018. Because I am planning to save as much money as possible for #SF2018 or #uk2018. Sigh. The plan is upon leaving, I would take a personal leave of 1 month or more to travel and then start anew at another place (fingers crossed!)<br />
<br />
Towards the end of this 9 months, I am really feeling the effects of burning out. You just feel so exhausted and can't wait where you finally get a break. I do not really mind not going anywhere to relax (though of course, if given the option that would be the best!). I just want to wake up late without having to worry about work or obsessively checking my emails throughout the day.<br />
<br />
About 2 weeks back or so, I realized that I need to learn to draw the line of switching off work after certain hours and on days where I am legally and officially entitled to not work (certain exceptions are applicable of course). As advised by J.Pwu who was told by his wise colleague :<br />
<br />
<i>"Our will will never be done, and it will be here in the morning when we come back. Go home and rest."</i><br />
<br />
And another interesting analogy which I did not think of before:<i> " And as much as you may think you can't miss a day, it's like the oxygen mask analogy: you need to take care of yourself before you take care of others."</i><br />
<br />
The past 8.5 months have been such a journey. I made new friends, met new people, discovered things about myself, experienced stress on another level and of different type (the fear that you'll screw things up cause it's all on you now), cried, laughed, be annoyed and had to act bimbo on certain stuff, and all in all, it was a fun experience. I was thinking to myself (which I always do) - had I not choosen to accept this pupillage offer (which I almost did), would I be able to cross path with the people that I've come to know the past months? Do I have regrets of not staying on at Wong?<br />
<i> </i><br />
<i>I do not know the answer to the first questions. It could be a 50:50 thing. Well, getting to know my colleagues like how I would know them now perhaps is not possible, but the people that I've met outside work, I wonder... </i><br />
<br />
<i>Are there regrets of not accepting pupillage at Wong, and getting to learn IP stuff which might or might not make it easier for me to apply to an in-house MNC in the future? There isn't much of a regret to it really I guess.</i><br />
<br />
And I am of course forever thankful of getting the chance to meet everyone (colleagues, legal aid group, my ray of unspent sunshine, random people during my pupillage) and to have my favourite people in the world<span style="font-size: xx-small;">TM<span style="font-size: small;"> to support me and hear me rant and assure me of my insecurities are normal and that I am better than I think I am and to have more confidence in it.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Fingers crossed that I am able to have an awesome holiday (with enough money, sigh), </span></span><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">my loved ones will be able to attend my long call, that all my papers and whatnot will be in order, I get pretty flowers and monetary contributions and awesome gifts, and that hopefully what I wish for the end of the year or for next yearwill happen as well.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">xx </span></span><i> </i>joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-77426685965949451792017-05-21T08:24:00.003-07:002017-09-27T01:25:01.539-07:00Well worth itI was reading an article on how the younger generation date or define their romantic relationship these days. And damn, we're kinda fucked up compared to the olden days where things seemed so much more straight forward and honest.<br />
<br />
In each individual being interviewed for the article, the last question that were asked was : "What is your definition of real love?" And I find myself pondering about it too. To me, I have not love a man before. I really liked someone right now. But I wouldn't say that I know him well enough to love him. And to be honest, I don't even know what it means, it takes or seem to be loving someone. The person that I really like right now, seems to be really different from my previous likes. (Haha). How do I put it, he makes me want to learn more from him, I'm thankful of him being patient with me, I try to compromise on things and I sure as hell am fighting for us. Is it love though? I really can't answer this.<br />
<br />
There are days of course where expectation seemed so far from reality that I wonder if the feeling have changed. That he no longer likes me now. He's just fond of me. That's that.<br />
<br />
So what does real love means to me?<br />
To me, real love would be a conscious and subconscious realization that you care a lot about that person. That you want nothing but the best for them and that you will fight for that person, you will fight for your relationship with them no matter how much of an uphill battle it seemed or will be. You will fight until perhaps there comes a day when you finally get too tired and wake up with the thought and feeling, where your heart and your mind is in tandem that you don't want to do it anymore. That you are done. No hard feelings, but you just don't want to and you are fine giving up on the love/care/effort that you have been putting into the relationship. That it's ok to not fight anymore and you know that the person will always have a special place in your heart.<br />
<br />
Real love have to be an effort contributed by you and your significant other. Neither one of you can do it alone. Real love is timing, maturity, trust, hard work, compromise, having an open mind and also not forgetting having a whole lot of fun at the same time. That you share the same wave length on things in life. Having that 'settled' feeling that you would not want to be in an adventure with any other person other that the person that pops into your mind right now reading this, that you could never thank the stars enough for giving you the chance to meet this person and having and discovering that person feel the same mutual magical feeling that you feel for him too.<br />
<br />
If the timing and feelings right, take that risk. Go crazy. There might be some hiccups here and there, but if it's meant to be, it will be well worth it I am sure.<br />
<br />
xx.joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-44036184513511035852017-05-21T07:58:00.001-07:002017-05-21T07:58:23.868-07:00I got this (I hope)I guess the transition from being a pupil where there is an invisible shield up to a certain extent of you not knowing things or screwing up things is coming to and end and the real slap in the face (for me) that I'm very much close to being an associate is REALLY happening.<br />
<br />
Last week, the pressure and fear got me. I felt like I was drowning and overwhelmed and helpless all at the same time. I got back home feeling so exhausted mentally that I fell into a deep sleep that night that I woke up in amazement that that happened. But that deep sleep really help me ease my mind. I woke up the next day with renewed optimism and strength to face the issues I was supposed to tackle.<br />
<br />
You see, it's not the fear that I'll look stupid that keeps me from asking from help. But rather, I want to try to solve things or think of a solution first before asking for help. My inner voice tells me: "Look Jo, you got this. Think. Use your brain. You're soon to be a lawyer now. What would and could one do to solve this solution? What is your evidence or reason to back up your move? And if the client or the boss ask you questions, would you be able to answer it. Have you considered it in all angles that you possibly could?"<br />
<br />
And the thing that keeps me going is that when I found a solution, I consulted my boss/ colleagues, and the satisfaction of getting it right or approval, is something indescribable. I guess that's what that makes me enjoy this still. And wanting and trying to better myself.<br />
<br />
AND note to self: PLEASE be less blur and check your work ten thousand times before sending something out. There are no rooms or excuses for stupid elementary mistakes CJA.<br />
<br />
<br />joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-65881846684791663042017-05-10T07:00:00.000-07:002017-06-19T20:46:04.283-07:00I'm 2 more months away from
finishing my pupillage! I cannot believe that this is happening! Like when I first started, 9 months seems like such a long way to go. It's 3/4 of a year of doing your pupillage! That feels almost forever with the fact that one is not entitled to any leave. Though of course... I manage to have some. ;)<br />
<br />
I just
finished watching the last episode to Season 6 of Suits. The moment
where Mike got admitted to the New York Bar.. the look of shock that it
is really happening. I love that moment. And as cliche as it sounds, it
made me realized that I am really passionate (?) about what I am doing. I
cant wait until the day I get called to the Bar. I know I get a bit too excited
about things like that. Some people feel it's just another milestone in
one's life. Nothing big to celebrate or shout about. Some even don't look forward to it, feeling that it's such a hassle and can't wait to get it over with. But to me, it's more of taking in the moment and
appreciating it as something that you would only experience once at the
age you were living at. Like graduating with a degree. Yes, you might go
and and have a Masters later on, but it's just not the same. Like all the years of studying and what not, finally comes down to the moment on your graduation day! One should totally celebrate it ! ... unless you have a valid reason not to.<br />
<br />
So,
I can't wait and am really looking forward to the day I officially get
admitted to the Court of Malaysia as an advocate and solicitor. The
blood, sweat, tears and time that I have been putting in for the past 8
years all comes down to this. So is it a big deal to me? being the
person that I am, HELL YEAH it is! Trust me to be all excited and announcing to the whole world about this. Hahahaa.<br />
<br />
I don't know if I am
really cut out for what I am currently doing, corporate law. Do I really
fit in? I question myself from time to time on this. I know I am not
stupid and actually kinda do have the brains for it. But I know,
sometimes, although you have the brains, the commitment to work hard,
the interest and the passion, if you don't have the strength and the
character for it, if it's not meant for you. You can't force it. So, in times of self-doubt, these thoughts come into my head. I know I am
still very young and there is a lot more experience that need to be
gained here, but I just like to cut my losses early at times. (so Asian, I know)<br />
<br />
But
every now and then, when I get to see the end of something or manage to
solve a problem that I am facing. I feel a great sense of satisfaction,
the thrill of adrenaline and so very happy that I'll do a mini
celebratory dance. Hahaha. I'm crazy, I know. And that made me realized,
that I love what I do. Yes, I complain, whine, bitch, get annoyed,
frustrated and super stress and scared about what I do. But, sometimes, I
can't help but think that it was totally worth it and so thankful for
the experience. And hey, whatever that doesnt kill you, only makes you
stronger!<br />
<br />
BUT .... I do want to try out different things too. And if I have the chance for a change in career, why not you know... or being to do something at the side. We shall see where this goes.<br />
<br />
<i>xx</i> joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-81533663207946501602017-05-10T06:34:00.002-07:002017-05-10T06:49:25.316-07:00And so you fightHave you wondered if some things are worth fighting for?<br />
Maybe cause I like to quantify or look ahead at whether it really is worth it.. is it worth my time and energy for it.<br />
I'm an impatient person and I know for a fact that due to that, often, I get bored of things fast or I dont finish things I set out doing.<br />
I would like to think that I have made slight improvements over the years.<br />
The thing is, I can get impatient, but I can be a little bit stubborn too at times.<br />
When there are things that I want, I will not rest until I get it. Yes, that's me.<br />
And hence, sometimes the dilemma or the what ifs thoughts of how much sometimes should you fight for things you want or believe in?<br />
<br />
I think for now, I'm just not gonna put too much thought into this and go with the flow. I will fight until it's ok for me not to fight anymore.<br />
I'm going to fight but not be blinded by it too much. I think at one point, it was consuming me, that it was having a bad effect on me instead of it doing any positive good.<br />
There should be a balance between putting in effort and resting a little to see where it is taking me.<br />
It might kill me at the end of the day, or it might just make me the happiest person in the world for holding on and fighting for what I believe in. <br />
<br />
May the force be with me for all the things I'm fighting for and hopefully I'll be able to look back at this post and say to myself, that whatever happens, it was well worth it.<br />
<br />
<br /><br />
<i>xx</i>joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-20177512487921556122017-04-11T01:21:00.004-07:002017-09-27T01:37:36.641-07:00Beach Boys - Wouldnt It Be NiceI can't help but wonder, and I really want to ask you:<br />
<br />
How are you really? How is life? Are you happy?<br />
<br />
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<![endif]--><s><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Are we ok to see other
people? Am I ok if you see other people?</span></s> <br />
<br />
What are we actually?<br />
<br />
Friends, yes, is it only that now? Gah. This is driving me crazy, but I need to write down my thoughts, fear, insecurity, whatever have you here.<br />
<br />
You seem to be the cool and composed one who seems not as badly affected by this than I am. But I know somehow, you do feel something. I just don't know how deep. That's the part where I feel I can't really read you.<br />
<br />
I am an impatient person.. and I think a lot. Call it insecurity or a person who's crazy obsessive, or someone who has no chill. But I just wonder.<br />
<br />
I should take a step back now. What we did wasn't entirely normal given that we've agreed to stay as friends without the idea of what will happen in the future. Maybe what it is now is the 'normal' up to the universe's standard.<br />
<br />
I don't love what we have now, but it's 100000000000% better than not have anything at all. And I'm not done fighting yet.<br />
<br />
p/s: perhaps I should nickname you my ray of unspent sunshine. <br />
<br />
<i>xx</i><br />
<br />
<br />joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5048108481985194251.post-60796928908815727392017-03-17T02:08:00.002-07:002018-08-26T01:37:17.744-07:00Days where I miss youIt's funny how I used to need a 'source' to be able to
cry to release my sadness or my stress. (yes, that's how I deal with
sadness and stress)<br />
Now, tears fall easily by just
listening to a sad song or reading a sad poem or an article or just the
things I write about here. (Y.O.U - I smile and then I cry. oh help me God.)<br />
<br />
Dont get me wrong though. It's not totally tears of sadness. They're a mix of sadness, happiness, thankfulness.<br />
<br />
I guess the worst so far would be on days where I'm having a really bad day and I wish I could get a hug or a kiss from you or a cuddle session to feel the warmth of your body. You're so warm and I'm always so cold that's it's uber awesome to snuggle into you, listening to your heartbeat and taking in the faint smell that you have,<br />
<br />
Or
just at nights where I lay on my bed in the dark listening to beautiful music
and then I think of you and realized that I miss you a lot. It's weird cause we actually
didn't spent much time together really, but I just find that I miss you a
whole LOT sometimes.But then I'll think to myself, who am I or who are you to make me feel this way?<br />
<br />
It's a first really. To be able to meet someone so good .. but it's not meant to be in the way you want it to be. There's a constant battle between holding on to this small strand of hope, giving up and not think too much to this and letting go, and the worse part, to be somewhere in the middle of the two ends where you're indecisive and confused to go either way.<br />
<br />
I guess I should live in the moment and not dwell so much in the past and the future and see where things go.<br />
<br />
<br />
xx joannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06748327481592494651noreply@blogger.com0