Thursday, September 25, 2014

The fear I feared

Its been 5 days now since I accepted the fact that I failed my CLP. I'm truly grateful ( and could not help but feel amused at times) at everyone who tried to cheer me up.I was amused as some of them were awkward or not good at things like that but I can see that despite that they still try and make an effort to make me laugh and not be so closed minded about seeing failure as a bad thing. So for that I am truly thankful and appreciate everyone who comforted it.

After seeing the results and after my brain has processed the fact that I did not pass the exam ( failed 2/5 papers BUT I gotta re sit ALL 5 now ) .. My initial reaction was just to stare at the computer screen. It took me for a while to cry. And I cried a little for the first time,it somehow felt that I have not fully released all the shock and sadness that  had happened.

And so,for almost the whole day ( say from 10am-5pm or so) I've been crying on and off with the help of Grey's Anatomy.. Prior to the day result came out,i downloaded this old movie called I Am Sam. As this was one of the saddest movie I've ever seen in my memory. And so I decided to watch it at night to fully complete my grieving process. TO me surprise,I didn't cry that much. I cried like crazy when I watched Grey's and some sad korean movies and what not.. But somehow,I didnt cry as much as I thought I would when I watched I Am Sam after 10 years or so since I first watched it. So yeah.

After the fact had kinda sunk into me,I tell myself that I am only gonna grief and wallow in the pits of self pity for 24 hours and that I did... I felt better the next day though the first thing that came to my mind when I woke up was : Dude, you failed CLP . And the there's the slow realization that I gotta study and memorize everything again. Though this maybe easier this time around,but still the dread of having to see all those books again.. *sigh*

You may think that I am an arrogant bitch here,but I've never really experienced failure like this before.So,my honest feelings of this is that I feel humiliated. And I can't help compare with some other people who also sat for the  exams. Thoughts like " I surely attend a lot more classes and work harder than they did,etc' came to my mind... And also I felt that I disappointed my parents and my family in a way though they told me it's ok.. But maybe deep down, the one that I've disappointed the most is myself.. I do have high expectations for myself because I know I am my own worst enemy.

I am feeling fine now really.But to be honest,there is an occasional feeling of bitterness and emoness you know.And this quote came to my mind :

        '' You never get over it.But you get to where it doesn't bother you so much'' Jeffery Eugenides,The Virgin Suicides

p/s : I dont know about heartbreak,but failing something that you want and hope so bad sucks big time and i can't help thinking to myself in between tears,that whoever said heartbreak may seem that your world and everything comes crashing down clearly have not experience failing to get something they desire to achieve. ( but this may just be for me. hah!)

p/p/s: please note that some days i might be all fine and happy and some days i maybe just a super emo person.

-with lots of love,peace out.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

I need a moment.

Hello again.. I actually have some posts which I intent to post before this,but decided that I wanna edit some of it. So I shalll just give a current updates of what's happening now first.

THE BIGGEST CONCERN AND THING THAT I AM STRESSED OUT FOR THE PAST 9 MONTHS OR SO (IN A WAY) HAS COME TO AN END . I failed my CLP. Yeah. I'm in shock. Not to say that I'm confident that I'll pass.But truth be told, there is a slight flicker of hope you know.(?)

Results came out about an hour ago.I didnt know that I could check my personal result already, I thought one can only check by viewing the list of person who has passed the exam and so i checked the list first. My heart dropped when I did not see my name there while i saw the names of my friends there. Looks like the fear that I feared came true.

To be honest,I'm not utterly sad over the fact that I failed,I dont know.There's so much mixture of emotions now that I feel numb with the occasional involuntary flow of tears.Though, I mean I did honestly prepare myself for that as in I didnt know what to expect the night before the results were out.But its just that,now when reality hits,I think about the people I've disappointed and that the fear I've feared before.-facing people.

It's been a long time since I've experienced this kinda of failure not that I am fond of experiencing it nor do I always experience it.How do i put it,I guess this is one of the lowest point in my life that I've experienced so far,you know?

I know there is no one to be blamed but for myself. I let my nerves overtake me during the exams,and I forgot a lot of things,I studied hard but maybe not smart enough. The slow realization that I have to study all 5 subjects again and the fear of what if I dont pass the second time around is slowly creeping into my mind and makes me feel terrified and this sudden grip of fear and panic takes over my heart. I think I am thinking too many thing at once now.

But,I know this is not the end.I will not give up.This is just a slight diversion of plan A,and I will proceed with a plan B. I need sometime to reorganize my thoughts and give myself a moment to grief and self pity myself.And then I need to get back on my feet again though I know that from time to time,I will emo and go back to self pity mode,please bear with me if i do so people,and if i'm going overboard,please feel free to put me back in my place.

I am thankful and very grateful for all the support and help that was given to be through the course and hence I will not give up and try to stay strong and preserve on.

-with lots of love,peace out-