It feels like we are currently living life as portrayed in a movie where the world is ending. The world is currently experiencing a pandemic. Where I am right now, we are in an almost complete lock down and it is driving me crazy. Somehow, no one have yet or I have yet seen a meme on the different stages of emotions one goes through while being confined in their own homes. E.g, stage 1- rebelling, Stage 2- denial, Stage 3- acceptance., etc.
For the homebodies and the introverts, this is a dream come true. For the extroverts, this is pure torture. For those who are in between, it's a mix of emotions. It is a test. Having the freedom and choice taken away from you on whether you have the luxury to be able to choose to stay at home or to go out and socialize, a freedom we take for granted is frustrating. I never fully appreciated this freedom that was given to me. If you are staying with a housemate(s), lover or friend(s), now is a good time to discover if you are really compatible or that other person is slowly driving you crazy. However, in a way it is better than staying alone. At least you have company. And the world, for the first time in a very very long time is able to breathe and heal itself.
If you just got into a relationship or has been in a relationship for a while, or just got married, this is a good test, either staying together or both of you are self quarantining in your own home. And this I feel, one will go through the various stages of emotions as mentioned above too. I started out being positive and then it turned out to be a mix of being insecure and clingy. And now, I am just cranky and wondering why doesn't he text me first or check in on me. What is he doing? Why isn't he replying me? He should be in front of his computer.. Is he not checking up on me because technically there isn't much change or happening anyway. We are on lock down, our activity includes, sleep, eat, cook work, watch tv, repeat. Am I texting him too much? Am I suffocating him? I miss him. Does he miss me too? Will it freak him out now if I say the words 'I Love You' just cause I think I am ready? Is he ready? I don't want to impose my feelings on him and I still have that tiny fear of giving myself too much and the other person just takes it for granted and I'll be made a second option (yes, this has scarred me) and of course I have my own ego as well. Is my feelings progression moving at a much faster rate/level compared to him? Should I slow down? Or does he not realize all this until I take the first step because he is oblivious to it? Will he be ok with it if I do? But why is it that sometimes it feels that I have to initiate all these first?
Why does it feel like I need to be the one who says good morning and good night everyday? I wish he would put in more effort in that sense. Or is it just me and my expectations? To him, we are more than that. These small things doesn't really matter. Or does he not realize that I like or value these small things and these words of affirmation comforts me. It makes me feel that I am cared for?
Should I communicate these to him or just breath in and out and let this frustration pass? Is it cause he's not used to doing this and so he never thought it really mattered? I don't know... All these mixed thoughts, feelings and insecurities, am I turning into a crazy, controlling lover? Am I thinking too much into this? I hate the idea of that. But I do have my expectations at times and want to feel loved or getting some attention (?).
I realized that writing things down is an outlet for me to let out my anger, insecurities and feelings. This is a form I let things out other than talking to multiple people and getting their views on things or crying. Haahaha. I guess at times like this, this is truly a test and new to me. This is an unprecedented situation anyways. Phew, I feel much better and more calm after putting all these down. Maybe I am feeling all this because I am (i) bored, (ii) restless, (iii) feeling frustrated with my sister, (iv) feeling frustrated and basically being cranky of not being able to get the things I want, (v) feeling annoyed because I don't like to be bossed around at home, (vi) feeling disappointed and sad that I will not be able to celebrate my birthday this year, something I look forward to and get excited every year. And actually even more this year because (a) this year is the final year I am in my 20s, (b) I have a lover to celebrate it with this year, and (c) I was supposed to do my get my nails done at a nail saloon (truly a treat for me) but it got postponed. Yup, I know, a birthday is just another day. I have the entire month of April for this. But you know, it's kinda not the same. Oh well.
For today though, 26 March 2020, I decided to shut myself off for a bit from the internet world. No initiating text (cause I am slightly tired of doing it) unless important texts that must be made, no IG posts, no FB tags. Login into the social media apps just to check on things but no communication to anyone. Today, she feels like feeling nothing.
xx
Wednesday, March 25, 2020
Monday, March 23, 2020
Overdue Summary
Here we are in the month of April. 4 months in 2019.
I had so many flowers and surprises this year that I truly appreciate all the celebrations I had.
Just realized that I was supposed to start on this post 11 months ago but I postpone it till today, March 2020. So much has happened in the past 11 months. I celebrated my birthday, got updates which confused me and gave me those tiny dangerous hope. Prepared my heart for June/July 2019 and sailed through work. Picking this up from my memory, got super busy in June and then had a moment of realization that the moment I have been waiting for, a countdown for 9 months is finally happening. I am finally gonna meet Jon after 2.5 years happened. I prepared myself to the very best. Had a bomb of a time, met Zach and am thankful that I dont hate him and I get to see someone else really like Jon makes me feel happy for him. Was put in a little bit of an awkward position of being friends with the guy you love and his new lover but wouldnt change anything for the world. Cried my eyes out after things fall back into place mid-July. Thankful I had an army of awesome friends for support.
Went to Good Vibes and got to experience a different kind of high from it. Happy to hang out with old and new friends. Then decided to go on a short but packed and extremely hot trip with the sister to Shanghai. Flew into a foreign country on a night flight and this is a new experience. Got to explore a city by myself. Deciding to pick a place and to eat alone is a pretty challenging task. Discovering things I like unexpectedly, Dairy Queen at Yuan garden and getting lost was pretty interest. Hunting for Shake Shack and then ta paoing it and made it back to the hotel for sunset and on the final evening there, having to watch the sunset with an awesome view while listening to good chill music was something extremely different and fun. Plus dengan muka tebalnya asking people's help to take photos of me, cause I am not really good with selfies.
In between this, I knew I wanted a break for my heart. But somehow the pain wasnt as bad as Jan 2019. This truly was a pretty good closure for me. And after that, Jon and I trashed it out of all the things we did and didnt do, feel and didnt tell each other and the reasons to it. We both regret certain things but I trust we both wouldnt really change how things are today. (I think). And then I met The Boy. It was a red flag at first because of his looks. But my heart wanted a distraction and I didnt take things that seriously..
But then we kept in contact and for the first time. a dinner met up I went to felt like a proper date. I was treated right that I totally wasnt used to it, but it felt so good and reassuring. I want to go out with this guy again and gosh he's cute when he smiles. And his confession during dinner amused me. He never had a girlfriend before. Ditto for me. He thought I wasnt interested in me and was ok to perhaps be friends with me after 2 outings or so. I thought the same. I couldnt read him. He said he's a texter but he isnt really in my books. Hahahaha. And then I made some moves and then he gets the hint. I asked him for a good night kiss when I bid goodbye after hanging out one night. And things kinda happened/move fast without us expecting it. Got caught by my brother and then my entire family as we both least expected it. And then he invited me to his place and then I slept over. And then we had the talk, and then we became official. Favourite moment to this that's forever saved in my mind, the morning after, we went for brunch at Li, and while crossing the road, the reached out to hold my hand and that's where it hit me that this is serious. This is happening. Hahaha. And then I celebrated his birthday, he met Azrin, I met his friends, he met my parents, I met his parents, we both celebrated Christmas and Valentine's this year. And I find myself falling for him a lot. How do I know? I am smiling recalling all of this and it makes me happy. I feel relaxed with him and can tell he really cares for me. Though of course we both have our days. I have my walls up at the beginning that it frustrates him, but I think I am slowly letting those walls down.. I think..
I was SO BUSY. Life was happening for me. In between this, I randomly decided to take on a part time job of cat sitting 4 cats owned by my neighbour for 6 months. IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST DECISION MADE. Aside from getting a pretty good income, I get to indirectly own pet(s) in KL and it was an eye opener to me really. For the first time in my life, I was solely responsible to look after a pet properly. Like from feeding them to picking up their poo and vomit. I had dogs all the while when I was a child till today. But I never had to really had to be fully responsible for them. I only need to do all the fun things of owning a pet. My parents took care of the rest. So this was an eye opener and I finally understand why people said that making a decision to own a pet, either solely or with a partner is like having a child. You now have another life yo are responsible. You have to wake up earlier and feed them before you go to work and make sure everything is ok before you leave the house. Your schedule changes and revolves around them. You cant stay out too late or if you do, must you feed them first, you cant stay over or go on trip without first making sure they are well taken care of.
Got pretty demotivated at work, which is a sign of danger and then found out literally on the last day of the working year that I should look for a new job because I am not meeting the expectations of my boss on my work performance and he feels that I cannot survive at my current law firm. I ended another year crying and started the new year at a low, again. The first week to work was extremely difficult. I would get panic attacks and seriously think I would go insane but try to hold my head high. Took advantage of the new year break and updated my CV, talked to multiple people and figure out if I want to jump to another firm and (the dread) to start all over again and to kill it or should I, as my boss said, join in house because it would perhaps be more suitable/ easy for me. I reach out to my contacts and was lucky to secure an interview on the mid 2/3 week of Jan. I continued hustling to look for a new job and even engaged a recruiter. It's funny how you have someone who helps you look for a job and to do all this for free. Attended a few interviews, got pretty sick quite often in Feb somehow, told myself to be patient on shitty days at work And for the first time ever, and this is crazy I got 2 job offers and good ones as well. Also, I think for the first time, attending an interview, I got to be myself a lot and without preparing myself for the answer, was able to really come out with good, intelligent answers which, looking back, I would say I was proud of myself.
In between all this, I and the world got scared/worried and paranoid on the Covid pandamic that is truly an unprecedented situation in the world. With that, we are currently working from home. Am truly blessed that with all these, I secured a new job and today, handed in my resignation via the phone and email to my boss. He was caught by surprise, and the experience of dropping this bomb was pretty fun and amusing. Am very thankful that through all this I have an army of support from The Boy, my friends and family. And it is starting to hit me, that after working in law firms for about 5 years and 3 months, I am leaving this life and joining to be an in house legal counsel instead. It hit me today and I am nervous and excited on this. The fear and insecurity that is in my mind thanks to my boss haunts me. But, I shall try my very best to be the best version of myself and use all the experience that I have gained thus far and give my all. It's time, Jo
Also, I hope I will be able to have a nice birthday celebration this year amid all this tension/chaos/panic. It is the last year that I will be in my 20s and a first that I will be celebrating with my boyfriend. So let's see how it goes. Maybe.... I will update about my birthday 11 months down the wrote and also writing my summary for 2020 then.
xx
I had so many flowers and surprises this year that I truly appreciate all the celebrations I had.
Just realized that I was supposed to start on this post 11 months ago but I postpone it till today, March 2020. So much has happened in the past 11 months. I celebrated my birthday, got updates which confused me and gave me those tiny dangerous hope. Prepared my heart for June/July 2019 and sailed through work. Picking this up from my memory, got super busy in June and then had a moment of realization that the moment I have been waiting for, a countdown for 9 months is finally happening. I am finally gonna meet Jon after 2.5 years happened. I prepared myself to the very best. Had a bomb of a time, met Zach and am thankful that I dont hate him and I get to see someone else really like Jon makes me feel happy for him. Was put in a little bit of an awkward position of being friends with the guy you love and his new lover but wouldnt change anything for the world. Cried my eyes out after things fall back into place mid-July. Thankful I had an army of awesome friends for support.
Went to Good Vibes and got to experience a different kind of high from it. Happy to hang out with old and new friends. Then decided to go on a short but packed and extremely hot trip with the sister to Shanghai. Flew into a foreign country on a night flight and this is a new experience. Got to explore a city by myself. Deciding to pick a place and to eat alone is a pretty challenging task. Discovering things I like unexpectedly, Dairy Queen at Yuan garden and getting lost was pretty interest. Hunting for Shake Shack and then ta paoing it and made it back to the hotel for sunset and on the final evening there, having to watch the sunset with an awesome view while listening to good chill music was something extremely different and fun. Plus dengan muka tebalnya asking people's help to take photos of me, cause I am not really good with selfies.
In between this, I knew I wanted a break for my heart. But somehow the pain wasnt as bad as Jan 2019. This truly was a pretty good closure for me. And after that, Jon and I trashed it out of all the things we did and didnt do, feel and didnt tell each other and the reasons to it. We both regret certain things but I trust we both wouldnt really change how things are today. (I think). And then I met The Boy. It was a red flag at first because of his looks. But my heart wanted a distraction and I didnt take things that seriously..
But then we kept in contact and for the first time. a dinner met up I went to felt like a proper date. I was treated right that I totally wasnt used to it, but it felt so good and reassuring. I want to go out with this guy again and gosh he's cute when he smiles. And his confession during dinner amused me. He never had a girlfriend before. Ditto for me. He thought I wasnt interested in me and was ok to perhaps be friends with me after 2 outings or so. I thought the same. I couldnt read him. He said he's a texter but he isnt really in my books. Hahahaha. And then I made some moves and then he gets the hint. I asked him for a good night kiss when I bid goodbye after hanging out one night. And things kinda happened/move fast without us expecting it. Got caught by my brother and then my entire family as we both least expected it. And then he invited me to his place and then I slept over. And then we had the talk, and then we became official. Favourite moment to this that's forever saved in my mind, the morning after, we went for brunch at Li, and while crossing the road, the reached out to hold my hand and that's where it hit me that this is serious. This is happening. Hahaha. And then I celebrated his birthday, he met Azrin, I met his friends, he met my parents, I met his parents, we both celebrated Christmas and Valentine's this year. And I find myself falling for him a lot. How do I know? I am smiling recalling all of this and it makes me happy. I feel relaxed with him and can tell he really cares for me. Though of course we both have our days. I have my walls up at the beginning that it frustrates him, but I think I am slowly letting those walls down.. I think..
I was SO BUSY. Life was happening for me. In between this, I randomly decided to take on a part time job of cat sitting 4 cats owned by my neighbour for 6 months. IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST DECISION MADE. Aside from getting a pretty good income, I get to indirectly own pet(s) in KL and it was an eye opener to me really. For the first time in my life, I was solely responsible to look after a pet properly. Like from feeding them to picking up their poo and vomit. I had dogs all the while when I was a child till today. But I never had to really had to be fully responsible for them. I only need to do all the fun things of owning a pet. My parents took care of the rest. So this was an eye opener and I finally understand why people said that making a decision to own a pet, either solely or with a partner is like having a child. You now have another life yo are responsible. You have to wake up earlier and feed them before you go to work and make sure everything is ok before you leave the house. Your schedule changes and revolves around them. You cant stay out too late or if you do, must you feed them first, you cant stay over or go on trip without first making sure they are well taken care of.
Got pretty demotivated at work, which is a sign of danger and then found out literally on the last day of the working year that I should look for a new job because I am not meeting the expectations of my boss on my work performance and he feels that I cannot survive at my current law firm. I ended another year crying and started the new year at a low, again. The first week to work was extremely difficult. I would get panic attacks and seriously think I would go insane but try to hold my head high. Took advantage of the new year break and updated my CV, talked to multiple people and figure out if I want to jump to another firm and (the dread) to start all over again and to kill it or should I, as my boss said, join in house because it would perhaps be more suitable/ easy for me. I reach out to my contacts and was lucky to secure an interview on the mid 2/3 week of Jan. I continued hustling to look for a new job and even engaged a recruiter. It's funny how you have someone who helps you look for a job and to do all this for free. Attended a few interviews, got pretty sick quite often in Feb somehow, told myself to be patient on shitty days at work And for the first time ever, and this is crazy I got 2 job offers and good ones as well. Also, I think for the first time, attending an interview, I got to be myself a lot and without preparing myself for the answer, was able to really come out with good, intelligent answers which, looking back, I would say I was proud of myself.
In between all this, I and the world got scared/worried and paranoid on the Covid pandamic that is truly an unprecedented situation in the world. With that, we are currently working from home. Am truly blessed that with all these, I secured a new job and today, handed in my resignation via the phone and email to my boss. He was caught by surprise, and the experience of dropping this bomb was pretty fun and amusing. Am very thankful that through all this I have an army of support from The Boy, my friends and family. And it is starting to hit me, that after working in law firms for about 5 years and 3 months, I am leaving this life and joining to be an in house legal counsel instead. It hit me today and I am nervous and excited on this. The fear and insecurity that is in my mind thanks to my boss haunts me. But, I shall try my very best to be the best version of myself and use all the experience that I have gained thus far and give my all. It's time, Jo
Also, I hope I will be able to have a nice birthday celebration this year amid all this tension/chaos/panic. It is the last year that I will be in my 20s and a first that I will be celebrating with my boyfriend. So let's see how it goes. Maybe.... I will update about my birthday 11 months down the wrote and also writing my summary for 2020 then.
xx
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