Here I go again, closing another year off in my life. I would certainly coin this year as a year of change for me. Failed an exam, on a big scale level for the first time in my life, decided to work full on in a law firm this year and the heavens were with me that I got accepted to one of the best law firms out there in KL. Made a thousand new friends and learnt how to socialise in the work force, get to know a ton of interesting and atas people that it made me wonder, are they seriously living their life like that? Like for real?
Became a loner in class this year. Started off feeling so insecure and naked at first, but I slowly grow comfortable as to how there isn't a need to coordinate timing, seating plans and food with people and grew a thick skin in asking random strangers for help. Definitely grew some balls in speaking up and asking lecturers questions. Have also learnt how to be more outspoken and "participative" because sometimes you just gotta shine in order to stand out from the crowd.Not my favourite thing to do as I am more of a low key kinda person, but sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do in a every man for himself world out there.
Sat for my CLP exams with mix feelings, had dreams about the results, good, bad weird, you name it, I kinda almost dreamt it all. Finally got a less than 12 hours heart attacked, vomit inducing notice period that results will be out on 21 October 2015. Had very little sleep and was already on the road to crying 10 mins before the results came out. Cried tears of joy and relief to find out that I got a conditional pass, having to re-sit for the Evidence paper, which later results in a confusion as to why I failed that paper, which later results in an epiphany during revision period for the re-sit of Evidence paper as to why I failed that paper this year.
Felt so awkward and bad when I had to break the news to Aeliaa that I passed and then got to know that it was not the same for her Felt even more weird and bad that I had to go about answering and updating people as to how I did and after that had to give an answer for Aeliaa as well. But i believe next year will be her year and that she will get qualified soon for this!
Got to experience where I am truly sitting the exam for myself (which is actually the literal reason that I am doing this for myself and for no one else), it felt so surreal, attending classes alone, seeking out lecturers' help to have a discussion as to whether my understanding of the law and cases were correct, pushing and motivating myself and going and entering the exam hall all alone. Not really having a partner in crime with me. A lonely but definitely a helpful experience.
Having then to unofficially being able to know about my results in less than 5 minutes notice in my firm's Christmas dinner celebration (17 December 2015). I had to take a moment to pray,gather my thoughts, take a deep breath and prepare myself before I hit the send button and the results just appeared at my phone screen. Initial reaction : SCREAM. And then not having sure if it is legit though this was made official on 22 December 2015. On the night of 17 December 2015, my heart, brain and shoulders felt really light as I head home and sleep. Never have I felt so relaxed and chilled while waiting for my results to come out, especially for the CLP exams. Had a moment of panic when I could not access my results on the morning it is released. But all is well once I hi the refresh button a million times later.
Had some crushing news last week. I did not get an offer for pupillage. I surprised myself by the tears flowing from my eyes and how I felt like bawling about this as I updates my friends about this. I did not know I wanted it so bad. Maybe cause I just assumed that I am getting it and that all was going well, I do not need to figure about new transport and new people to impress in a completely new environment. What I really want. Is this what I really want. My best friend asked, is it cause of the name or the fame that is attached to where I currently am? I asked myself this question, no, it is not it. I guess for the past year, I have grown to like the people whom I work with, accustomed myself to what is required of me to be done at work, how the people here know how I work and I know how they work. I like it here, despite of all it's flaw and my love-hate relationship with it. I know that if I stay and preserve long enough, when I leave it one day, it will bring me to better or greater heights.
I feel I have so much more to learn, prove myself and impress people here. However, it might not be fate for me to impress them as a pupil. It might be elsewhere where I would be able to show my talent and possibly discover what I really want from this all at another place. But where? I do not know for now. And I have another shot of really deciding about this this week, and I will hopefully be able to see on where this is taking me.
I know another this about me is that, i sometimes or most of the times, when it comes to certain areas in my life, I do not like change. I do not feel comfortable in unfamiliar territories. This is a contradiction as to other parts of my life. So, maybe change is a good thing at times. Another thing is that, I like planning or at least have a rough idea as to where I am being taken and throw away at some place to do something. I cannot be impromptu at times. I like doing a little bit of planning, research and some heads up at times. I can be impulsive and this leads to foolish acts and conclusions, but I cannot be impromptu at times. Such contradiction I know, but it happens.
Got to experience great amount of stress and such high speed moving projects up to the point that I was working on every weekends for a month, left office at 2am in the morning, slept at 3-4 am. Had to deal with demanding timeline and not to mention people's emotions, had to try and stay alive after being through into a deep end of a project not knowing head or tail of it, although what was required to be done was not rocket science. It got bad to a point, I was just disappointed that people don't see the hard work that we have tried to put in and I was questioning myself as to why do I need to put myself through this kinda hell and I could just walk away from this all because this is not something that I need right now. But I am glad I survived and that I did not break down.
Also, I get to experience more things that I had experienced in my life. Had the luck of traveling to places alone without my family, had the chance of experiencing clubbing and getting drunk but am still aware as to what the effects of alcohol is doing to me which I cant control. Had been blessed by having friends who took care of me and putting up with me at such annoying times. Learn swimming and managed to overcome my fear with the water though I still panic every now and then and have not mastered it entirely and have yet manage to just relax completely in the water and to really float backwards. And all in all.had been blessed to have a strong support system for me to go through moments of insanity in my life. My uncertainties, insecurities and what not.I did not cry as much as I did to deal with stress this year. I don't know if I got tougher or what. But I guess I gained weigh instead. Which is even more annoying.I did fall sick quite a lot this year and trust me it is not a pleasant thing at all
All in all, there are so much more things to learn, do,make mistakes on and experience that I am looking forward to 2016. I wish that 2015 has been another memorable year, be it good or bad for everyone to take something out of it before closing another year in your life and may this year help you prepare yourself of what you want and expect out of 2016.
cheers, with lots of love, peace out.