Sunday, December 23, 2018

Ah. So here we are. Less than 1 week away before 2018 come to an end. The last one month has been crazy in terms of work and social life. There were good days and bad days but nonetheless a good experience.  So thankful for all the people that entered and stayed in my life and for those who walked away and/or me walking away from some people in my life this year as well. Let’s see how 2019 goes! Am excited and enthusiastic for it :D

Saturday, November 17, 2018

A short summary for 2018

2018 is coming to an end soon. Ah, what a year it has been. I changed my job and is much happier with my boss. Unexpectedly my office had to move location and the office now is so much nearer to my place.

Had my first bridesmaid duty, witness a beautiful wedding where my best friend got married. Attended a number of weddings. Saw and heard loads of engagement news. So happy for people whom I love and care about finding the love of their life. Had a fair share of heartbreak and confusion this year as well. But then I learnt more of what I want and got stronger to realize I deserve to be treated right and better love. Discovered that I'm good at things I didnt expect myself to be good at. ;)

A times of insecurity, I learnt to appreciate and love myself more, and though I have my flaws, I am awesome the way I am and I do not need to change myself for a person when there's nothing wrong about myself but just cause they don't like me or want me for their own selfish reasons.

Consciously realized that I'm too kind many a times and I should not let people take advantage of my kindness nor take me for granted. And that I do not know how to cut toxic people out of my life. I know this is bad and I am working on it.

Feeling so blessed getting to see Lorde, The NBHD, Odesza, Louis the Child, the XX, Above and Beyond, Honne, live this year and will be catching Alesso, Mura Massa, Major Lazer and many more for DWP which is happening in less than 1 month!

Worked out like crazy and realized I really enjoy boxing and spin classes this year and of course I unluckily dislocated my knee. A pain I would not want to go through again in life if possible. Rode in an ambulance and got myself checked in and out of the hospital alone myself which made me realize that I am really an adult now and can handle things pretty alright. Haahaha.

Made new friends and good friends at work and personally as well. Very blessed to have meet this people in my life. The best friend Azrin, is moving to UK in less than 5 days and I'm still in denial =( so blessed to have met her and always grateful for her advice and looking out for me and encouraging me to try new things! Love you always!!

Partied quite a bit as well this year and good fun nights as always. =)

So so so happy and excited that Jon will be visiting next year! Still amazed that we still keep in touch with each other! 

Also, I have joined the world of bigger sized phone with the new iphone XR and am slowly getting used to it! And I have deleted all dating apps and it's just a breath of fresh air not having the thought at the back of my mind whether I got a match with someone and all that jazz. Am happy to just be single for now and focus on myself, even if it means I get lonely at times. But I rather have that than fall for an asshole or be in a toxic relationship.

Excited for the upcoming last 1 month before the new year. To more adventures and fun.

Sunday, August 26, 2018

I used to get anxious and fidgety when you go out for coffee with other girls or has thoughts of wanting to text or have closure with your ex. Today though, when you told me that, I feel nothing and I’m happy that I felt and reacted that way. 

I think I sound like ‘yeah bitch I’m done with your bullshit’. I let you treat me as a safety net option all this while and didnt realize it. I was too positive/hopeful that you will somehow feel something more from me. I trusted you enough to have you as my first.  I didnt know why I let you treat me that way. I regret nothing for you made me realize that I deserve something so much better. I dont need a grand declaration of love or romantic events and be showered with flowers (though occassionaly, it doesnt hurt) or material things, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask to expect to be treated right, with respect and someone who just thinks that the sun shines out of my ass (paraphrasing the movie Juno)

What you said to me on a Tuesday 2 weeks ago made me snap and I was just done with it. I deserve hella lot more than a kid who treats me like a doormat or only looks for me when you need to satisfy your ego or lust or need a rational opinion on things. 

To drive my to this point is really something. As a quote I stumbled upon sometime ago : never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a fuck. That’s my maximum level. If yoy push me to that level, I can be a cold heartless person you thought I never could be.

xx

Over time

I'm thankful for all the people I have come across in my life so far. Some are just passerby some are here to stay for a season or two, some are here to stay for a long time. I am blessed that for those who choose to hang around, for all their care and love. I am disappointed in those I thought care for me more, but didnt. But you learn about a person the longer you get to know them. Their likes, dislikes and quirks. I learn about myself too at the same time.

I had a lot of time the past week to reflect on certain friendships and relationships, thinking back on how it has changed or grown over a period of time.It's amusing and there were certain regrets here and there, wishing I could turn back time to change or respond to certain things differently. But I guess then it wouldnt lead to where it has is today then.

xx

Thursday, August 23, 2018

Popping it in and out

Here I am again. 2 months after my previous post. How have I been since my previous post? Busy. I was busy for all the departments in my life.

On the work end, it’s been 6 months now since I started at RDL. Time certainly flies. I am happy and thankful that I manage to fit in with my colleagues so far. My boss.... he is a character. But I really look up to him that he is so good at what he does at such a young age that I want to deliver good work from my end for him and to be able to learn more from him. He can be difficult to deal with at times, there are days where I really hate him, but more than not, I can still take it. Questions on how long will I stay in practice or with the firm? I guess it depends on how my first bonus goes, whether there might be better opportunities out there and what not. But for now, I am okay with being where I am. This multijurisdiction acquisition project has been killing me but it’s in a way a good experience and exposure for me. And I am completing/closing my first deal tomorrow! Let’s hope everything goes on fully tomorrow until the file is declared close.

On family end, my uncle(s) have been sick. And my mum has been taking care of them but they have the cheek to not appreciate the effort and instead let out their anger on her or is so demanding at their sick times that it gets annoying at times really. I have very little respect for my uncles at times because they talk as if they are all that but their actions always doesn’t follow through.  Seeing this and other things in life, I am a firm believer that actions speaks louder than words. You can promise me the entire universe for all I care, but I’ll only ever believe it if you follow it through your actions as well. Someone told me that, but  don’t you think you should also take into consideration of their omissions as well? There might be a reason for their omissions at times.True. I have never take that into account before really. But I was thinking about it randomly the other day, but if you choose to omit something and not explain or follow up through another action to justify that omission, then one would never know it at the end of the day anyway. I guess I have been let down a few times by words alone in life that whatever words that I’ve put it out there, I try to follow it up with my actions.

On relationship end, well, I have been having feelings for a person for sometime. I have a belief and gave myself a kinda rough timeline as to how long I should wait for him. For the first time too, I took effort to organise and plan a birthday for a guy I really like and was really happy that he loved it and appreciate it. I love birthdays and I like giving a person a good birthday celebration. I have no expectations that through that effort/ thoughtfulness of mine that it would lead to something more, if any, I was prepared for that to be my final effort to in a way win his heart. Or for it to be just that. Nothing more. I don’t need or want anything more from that. But he was touched and said things which seems promising and seems to be trying. Maybe I misinterpret it or read too much into it.  Through a normal then serious phone conversation last Tuesday, where a plan to have closure all this while from his ex became I want closure and to give my one last shot and my all to win her back. The moment I heard that, my heart was half filled with dread and sadness. My brain just went : You are done Jo. Walk away from this. There is no point pursuing this anymore. He is not worth it. He is in a way blind. Just walk away. You are better off without him.

And that I did. I told him I don’t hate him. I have my feelings sorted, which I kinda did by having this wall all this while from preventing myself from falling from him deeper. He does somewhat meant something to me. Is it a lot though? I would say that he meant the huge deal to me. I mean I have come to realize how much I mean to him as of late as well? Am I terribly sad or angry? Not a lot. It’s like my heart and brain is telling me he is not even worth it to have a full on cry fest. Which surprisingly  I didn’t. I cried for 10 and perhaps 20 mins on 2 separate occasion when I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and on another occasion I think it was through his response to my text message. And  in between this going on, I was busy at work, attending a wedding and a hen’s night and dealing with some friendship drama regarding the wedding and stuff and getting excited for DWP X. So yay for having a lot of things to keep me occupied.

Attended Kim’s hen night and wedding last  Thursday and Saturday. First time clubbing with kim
 and her siblings and her are so funny. I had a really good and tiring night but it was worth it. Then attended her wedding on Saturday morning and evening and it was very simple and beautiful. I really like her wedding video and photos. The photographer and videographer really did a good job. And then I hung out till 4.30 am! I think this is one rare occasion where I just hung out with a person till so late just talking about stuff, and I did not foresee tears or really deep conversations. But it’s nice. I don’t know what kind of impression I gave, but hopefully not something along the line of : ok. This girl is crazy and has too many things happening for her and talk too much and is just weird and crazy. Hahaaha.


I went for my 9.15 am boxing class the next day, sleepy but still believing that I would be able to survive the class when I think like 15-20 mins in class, where I was twisting my body/ leg to throw in a punch that I dislocated my knee cap,it was so painful that I fell to the ground and tried to get help. Azrin  saw me and called for the instructor. They though I had a cramp or something minor initially I think, until I showed them my kneecap and they went : oh shit,I freaked out too, bless Elaine who came to sit with me by my side talking to me like normal trying to take my mind off the pain and telling me that I was gonna be fine, thanks to the initial shock, I felt the pain but I guess it was still manageable. But the ambulance came only after the class ended and towards the end of the class, the shock was wearing off and the pain starts hitting me that I started crying. And I was horrified when they told me they are gonna pop my kneecap back in just like that with no tools or painkillers. I’m usually the type who will try to scream silently, but I just couldn’t. Had to scream out loud and bite my tee while they pull my leg straight for the knee cap to move back in, this is something I hope I would experience again.

I’m not gonna lie that I was kinda hurt that Azrin and Leanda didn’t offer to accompany me to the hospital. And after registering myself and stuff and the only thing left was to wait for my turn to see the doctor that I started contacting my close friends and parents to awkwardly tell them about my situation and assure them I am fine, I don’t know why I feel awkward and embarrassed, I just don’t want them to burden or worry them too much. I was contemplating if I should tell my parents only when I got home, but decided that I should just notify them first,

And am now recovering well from it. This experience also made me realize that hey, I can handle stuff on my own in the event I got into an accident and am alone. I am blur as to where to go about at the hospital and stuff, but hey I did it andafter getting my meds and all managed to order a grab back home.

I am once again very thankful of everyone who texts me to keep track of my recovery and offering to get me food and what not and this also made me realize that the people whom I was expecting to care more didn’t really bother doing that. That made me show how much I meant to them in their life I guess. But hey, I guess the saying of no expectations no disappointments are usually the best. Oh well. I’ll be fine and whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

On the friendship department,  I have been trying to avoid my friend who is a bit toxic for me and I thought I was wrong about this cause she’s so nice to me recently again and stuff but again, i’m not entirely sure about this. We shall see how things goes I guess.

I am currently loving  or trying to love and appreciate life and take all that has happened as a new experience and lesson learnt for the future and to help me be a better person. I am no saint of course. In this process, I go all emo, bratty and rant and curse and self pity myself and hate the world. But it’s all good. May the force continue to be with me for the rest of the year for whatever life has in store for me, be it good or bad. No pain no gain I guess.

xx

Saturday, June 16, 2018

6 Balloons

Someone I hold dear to told me that there is not enough time in the world for one to be able to watch all the good movies in the world. I agree there is just so much one can watch at times given that we are all so busy with so many things with the different departments of our lives.

As and when I have a chance, I try to watch as many movies in my list or recommended by the internet or friends or just random movies that I thought looked good. I saw this trailer of 6 balloons - a nextflix film. The reason I was drawn to this movie initially was due to Dave Franco. And then I found out that this movie was about drug addiction and upon watching the trailer, I decided I wasn’t ready to watch this movie. I guess you would think I am fine or just no longer give shit or care about what is or has happened to my brother. Sometimes it feels more like: “ I just no longer want to deal with it anymore but sometimes I don’t have a choice and it scares me, a lot”. At times like this, suddenly my opinion matter and I seem to be rational calm one. Able to point out what is the next best step or how we should deal about this step by step while at the same time still try to be two steps ahead and trying to deal with alternative situations which might happen instead. I’m not complaining, but when it happens more than once because you know that person didn’t change, I had it. No more second chances, your actions, your life, you deal with the shit and consequences.

Halfway through watching 6 Balloons, I wanted to stop. My brain is going on panic mode and my heart is freaking out trying to gage if I can handle the rest of the film. Part of me wants to stop the film and to not watch it anytime soon. The other part of me said, “ hey, you have started this, just get through it”. I proceeded with the later and felt sick to my stomach watching certain scenes unfold. Flashback or certain memories and emotions replayed in my mind.

No. I did not see first hand withdrawals symptoms at its worst for my brother, I am not sure if I d

id or did not see my brother high before nor was he addicted to such a strong drug, but seeing it being
despicted so real, it makes me sick to my gut that I feel like puking and what I could think of was did my brother went through something like that too? Did it got that bad? I know it got bad to point where he needed to lie and steal things. The next thought was also, what would I do in a situation like that? The narration of the movie is a 10 step level of how one feels like they are drowning. I related to that, and hence the question I was asking myself as I was watching the film was that, what would I do, I understand the actions and decision of the Dave Franco’s sister. To see the person you love dearly be in such pain and desperation and at the same time you are trying to do the right thing saving him but the final and fastest solution to it is to give the thing that is destroying him just so that he is able to breathe and be ok for a while, is something extremely hard while trying to hide it from your family and your partner to try and deal with it yourself. It hit me hard.

After Dave was ok, and I guess is high and seems to be a completely different person and for a moment everything seems to go back to normal-happy, it’s crazy. You are relieved yet ashamed and second guess your decision to give him the thing that destroys him. And the look on your parents, your partner confronting you on why did you not share or let him in on this and the look on your friends face because they know what is happening. The scene where Dave was predicting what his parents would always say for e.g the mum said that he broke her heart, the desperation of trying to  administer the drugs that there was no water and he resorted to use the tester from the toilet bowl, how the sister said that he’s a piece of shit, and where did things go wrong, they came from the same place.It scared me, made me feel sick and broke me at the same time.
One who has experienced this first hand would be able to feel it watching it now from a third eye view. As Dave was all happy and normal, that was the scene that make me cry uncontrollably. When he said, let’s go, I can really do it this time, I can really get clean now. I snorted and think to myself, no, it might not and it’s going to be a long fight.

Dave was expecting the usual, his sister to drive him to rehab and help him get clean without realising that all his actions, reactions and symptoms was affecting his loved ones, the sister being the closest to him, affected her so much, make her paranoid and scared so much and it was drowning her.

I like the ending of she finally realised that to help him was to actually leave him and let him leave up to his word and how it through his actions and to also make him not take her for granted. That what he was doing and her help was affecting her and she has to be selfish for once and to wake him up that he needs to sort out his own shit now and she cannot always be there to care for her. I love it. I wished they show whether he really did get clean or just went all angry and back to his ways and get more screw up in the end, because let’s face it, it takes a lot and it’s very hard for someone to turn over a new leaf with a snap of the finger. I guess it’s up to interpretation and those who has experienced something like that even more so would be able to draw a realistic conclusion to it.

It is a movie that you would need to hug someone after you watch it or talk to someone after it. I did not see this coming and a few persons came to my mind to want to talk to this. I am however not sure if I want to burden them with this thought or side of me, and at this hour, writing it all down here helps. I guess here is to a better tomorrow,

xx

Sunday, May 6, 2018

The past 6 months: Madness

Was reading an article a friend who goes by the name of Richard wrote on how therapy has helped him in his life for all the things that he had to go through for the past year and it got me thinking about this blog here that I have amd have neglected for close to 6 months now. It was a good article and a different one because he is one of the people I know that had to go through so much in life and getting to know him for the past 7 months or so, he has come a long way and am happy and proud of him (in a way). Dont ask me why. I just feel so.

Scrolled through and read some old posts which were like 4-5 years ago! And I was thinking to myself : ‘dang girl, you are one emo kid.’ It is at the same time amusing reading about the heartbreaks I get from the crushes I use to have on some guys which took me a moment to figure out just now whom am I being sad for. Haha.

Since my last post in November 2017, where I guess I was sad and angry and felt so tidak puas hati, and to see how far I’ve come from it, it’s a wonder and true how time flies and heals things.I ended the post with the quote, you never get over it, you just get to a point where it doesnt bother you too much. Upon reading that, my initial reaction was like : pffft, I was so wrong. I am so over you. But thibking about it again and to put it in words here, I guess that quote is right. It doesnt bother me any more these days really. Just on days where you post stuffs like: “ I’m happy at where I am right now and the person I choose to be with and am currently with.’’ This makes me roll my eyes and I would be lying to say I am not affected by that statement. But it’s not a feeling of hurt, more to like I’m just not satisfied by it! Well I guess in a way, I was the cause of it by the fact that I gave you the choice of making me an option and was so nice and naive about it. But oh well, I learnt my lesson.

So how have I been for the past 6 months? To sum it in one word: Crazy. Went for my first rave festival and had a really good time! Now have a partner in crime for festivals and events - Balqis :) Took a break off dating apps- or rather I’m just there when I really need to kill time in office and just not looking actively to be in a relationship right now. Finally quit my job and landed a new one! Thankful for all the nice people I get to meet in the realm of my professional life and am back working in the same firm as Li Ying!!

Went to Penang for a short holiday and got drunk but had a really good time there! Am going to be a bridesmaid for the first time in my life!

Before I really went on a hiatus on dating, met a person whom I guess I’m really comfortable with and in a way I share certain things with whom I dont share such things with a lot of people. Am I attracted to thus guy (physically and emotionally) : yes. But somehow, the gut feeling knows that now is not the right timing. So perhaps, pwrhaps if we are meant to be that somewhere in the near future, where if the feelings are ever mutual at the same and right timing, I would like to date you seriously. I have no idea if we can handle each other. But it will be interesting I guess. I was just thinking to myself, it would be so interesting, if one day, it’s like : let’s turn things back and be uncomfortable a little and go on a proper date. Yea, I’m such a hopeless romantic at times. This is just a thought with mininal expectations.

I have learnt over the years that when you expect too much at times, and it doesnt work out, you’ll just get sad and disappointed about it where in contrast if you dont expect anything, and something awesome happens, that feeling of happiness and surprise is just indescribable.

And I guess on 06.05.2018 I’m officially an adult. It wasnt someting I plan to happen but it did. Do I regret it? Not really somehow. I just imagined it to be a bit more different and a tad bit more special. But it wasnt much.

I guess 2018 is a year where I get to know more about myself, what I want and what I am striving. And given that it’s now May. That means almost half of 2018 has passed!!! Gosh how time just flew by this year! I’m 3 months in my new job (which by the way, I am now cofirmed as well)! It’s crazy! Just crazy!


Here’s to hopefully a good second half of the year and may I have the strength and positivity to get through and overcome things and enough logic to figure things out as I go through things.


xx.