Thursday, September 25, 2014

The fear I feared

Its been 5 days now since I accepted the fact that I failed my CLP. I'm truly grateful ( and could not help but feel amused at times) at everyone who tried to cheer me up.I was amused as some of them were awkward or not good at things like that but I can see that despite that they still try and make an effort to make me laugh and not be so closed minded about seeing failure as a bad thing. So for that I am truly thankful and appreciate everyone who comforted it.

After seeing the results and after my brain has processed the fact that I did not pass the exam ( failed 2/5 papers BUT I gotta re sit ALL 5 now ) .. My initial reaction was just to stare at the computer screen. It took me for a while to cry. And I cried a little for the first time,it somehow felt that I have not fully released all the shock and sadness that  had happened.

And so,for almost the whole day ( say from 10am-5pm or so) I've been crying on and off with the help of Grey's Anatomy.. Prior to the day result came out,i downloaded this old movie called I Am Sam. As this was one of the saddest movie I've ever seen in my memory. And so I decided to watch it at night to fully complete my grieving process. TO me surprise,I didn't cry that much. I cried like crazy when I watched Grey's and some sad korean movies and what not.. But somehow,I didnt cry as much as I thought I would when I watched I Am Sam after 10 years or so since I first watched it. So yeah.

After the fact had kinda sunk into me,I tell myself that I am only gonna grief and wallow in the pits of self pity for 24 hours and that I did... I felt better the next day though the first thing that came to my mind when I woke up was : Dude, you failed CLP . And the there's the slow realization that I gotta study and memorize everything again. Though this maybe easier this time around,but still the dread of having to see all those books again.. *sigh*

You may think that I am an arrogant bitch here,but I've never really experienced failure like this before.So,my honest feelings of this is that I feel humiliated. And I can't help compare with some other people who also sat for the  exams. Thoughts like " I surely attend a lot more classes and work harder than they did,etc' came to my mind... And also I felt that I disappointed my parents and my family in a way though they told me it's ok.. But maybe deep down, the one that I've disappointed the most is myself.. I do have high expectations for myself because I know I am my own worst enemy.

I am feeling fine now really.But to be honest,there is an occasional feeling of bitterness and emoness you know.And this quote came to my mind :

        '' You never get over it.But you get to where it doesn't bother you so much'' Jeffery Eugenides,The Virgin Suicides

p/s : I dont know about heartbreak,but failing something that you want and hope so bad sucks big time and i can't help thinking to myself in between tears,that whoever said heartbreak may seem that your world and everything comes crashing down clearly have not experience failing to get something they desire to achieve. ( but this may just be for me. hah!)

p/p/s: please note that some days i might be all fine and happy and some days i maybe just a super emo person.

-with lots of love,peace out.

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