Saturday, June 16, 2018

6 Balloons

Someone I hold dear to told me that there is not enough time in the world for one to be able to watch all the good movies in the world. I agree there is just so much one can watch at times given that we are all so busy with so many things with the different departments of our lives.

As and when I have a chance, I try to watch as many movies in my list or recommended by the internet or friends or just random movies that I thought looked good. I saw this trailer of 6 balloons - a nextflix film. The reason I was drawn to this movie initially was due to Dave Franco. And then I found out that this movie was about drug addiction and upon watching the trailer, I decided I wasn’t ready to watch this movie. I guess you would think I am fine or just no longer give shit or care about what is or has happened to my brother. Sometimes it feels more like: “ I just no longer want to deal with it anymore but sometimes I don’t have a choice and it scares me, a lot”. At times like this, suddenly my opinion matter and I seem to be rational calm one. Able to point out what is the next best step or how we should deal about this step by step while at the same time still try to be two steps ahead and trying to deal with alternative situations which might happen instead. I’m not complaining, but when it happens more than once because you know that person didn’t change, I had it. No more second chances, your actions, your life, you deal with the shit and consequences.

Halfway through watching 6 Balloons, I wanted to stop. My brain is going on panic mode and my heart is freaking out trying to gage if I can handle the rest of the film. Part of me wants to stop the film and to not watch it anytime soon. The other part of me said, “ hey, you have started this, just get through it”. I proceeded with the later and felt sick to my stomach watching certain scenes unfold. Flashback or certain memories and emotions replayed in my mind.

No. I did not see first hand withdrawals symptoms at its worst for my brother, I am not sure if I d

id or did not see my brother high before nor was he addicted to such a strong drug, but seeing it being
despicted so real, it makes me sick to my gut that I feel like puking and what I could think of was did my brother went through something like that too? Did it got that bad? I know it got bad to point where he needed to lie and steal things. The next thought was also, what would I do in a situation like that? The narration of the movie is a 10 step level of how one feels like they are drowning. I related to that, and hence the question I was asking myself as I was watching the film was that, what would I do, I understand the actions and decision of the Dave Franco’s sister. To see the person you love dearly be in such pain and desperation and at the same time you are trying to do the right thing saving him but the final and fastest solution to it is to give the thing that is destroying him just so that he is able to breathe and be ok for a while, is something extremely hard while trying to hide it from your family and your partner to try and deal with it yourself. It hit me hard.

After Dave was ok, and I guess is high and seems to be a completely different person and for a moment everything seems to go back to normal-happy, it’s crazy. You are relieved yet ashamed and second guess your decision to give him the thing that destroys him. And the look on your parents, your partner confronting you on why did you not share or let him in on this and the look on your friends face because they know what is happening. The scene where Dave was predicting what his parents would always say for e.g the mum said that he broke her heart, the desperation of trying to  administer the drugs that there was no water and he resorted to use the tester from the toilet bowl, how the sister said that he’s a piece of shit, and where did things go wrong, they came from the same place.It scared me, made me feel sick and broke me at the same time.
One who has experienced this first hand would be able to feel it watching it now from a third eye view. As Dave was all happy and normal, that was the scene that make me cry uncontrollably. When he said, let’s go, I can really do it this time, I can really get clean now. I snorted and think to myself, no, it might not and it’s going to be a long fight.

Dave was expecting the usual, his sister to drive him to rehab and help him get clean without realising that all his actions, reactions and symptoms was affecting his loved ones, the sister being the closest to him, affected her so much, make her paranoid and scared so much and it was drowning her.

I like the ending of she finally realised that to help him was to actually leave him and let him leave up to his word and how it through his actions and to also make him not take her for granted. That what he was doing and her help was affecting her and she has to be selfish for once and to wake him up that he needs to sort out his own shit now and she cannot always be there to care for her. I love it. I wished they show whether he really did get clean or just went all angry and back to his ways and get more screw up in the end, because let’s face it, it takes a lot and it’s very hard for someone to turn over a new leaf with a snap of the finger. I guess it’s up to interpretation and those who has experienced something like that even more so would be able to draw a realistic conclusion to it.

It is a movie that you would need to hug someone after you watch it or talk to someone after it. I did not see this coming and a few persons came to my mind to want to talk to this. I am however not sure if I want to burden them with this thought or side of me, and at this hour, writing it all down here helps. I guess here is to a better tomorrow,

xx

Sunday, May 6, 2018

The past 6 months: Madness

Was reading an article a friend who goes by the name of Richard wrote on how therapy has helped him in his life for all the things that he had to go through for the past year and it got me thinking about this blog here that I have amd have neglected for close to 6 months now. It was a good article and a different one because he is one of the people I know that had to go through so much in life and getting to know him for the past 7 months or so, he has come a long way and am happy and proud of him (in a way). Dont ask me why. I just feel so.

Scrolled through and read some old posts which were like 4-5 years ago! And I was thinking to myself : ‘dang girl, you are one emo kid.’ It is at the same time amusing reading about the heartbreaks I get from the crushes I use to have on some guys which took me a moment to figure out just now whom am I being sad for. Haha.

Since my last post in November 2017, where I guess I was sad and angry and felt so tidak puas hati, and to see how far I’ve come from it, it’s a wonder and true how time flies and heals things.I ended the post with the quote, you never get over it, you just get to a point where it doesnt bother you too much. Upon reading that, my initial reaction was like : pffft, I was so wrong. I am so over you. But thibking about it again and to put it in words here, I guess that quote is right. It doesnt bother me any more these days really. Just on days where you post stuffs like: “ I’m happy at where I am right now and the person I choose to be with and am currently with.’’ This makes me roll my eyes and I would be lying to say I am not affected by that statement. But it’s not a feeling of hurt, more to like I’m just not satisfied by it! Well I guess in a way, I was the cause of it by the fact that I gave you the choice of making me an option and was so nice and naive about it. But oh well, I learnt my lesson.

So how have I been for the past 6 months? To sum it in one word: Crazy. Went for my first rave festival and had a really good time! Now have a partner in crime for festivals and events - Balqis :) Took a break off dating apps- or rather I’m just there when I really need to kill time in office and just not looking actively to be in a relationship right now. Finally quit my job and landed a new one! Thankful for all the nice people I get to meet in the realm of my professional life and am back working in the same firm as Li Ying!!

Went to Penang for a short holiday and got drunk but had a really good time there! Am going to be a bridesmaid for the first time in my life!

Before I really went on a hiatus on dating, met a person whom I guess I’m really comfortable with and in a way I share certain things with whom I dont share such things with a lot of people. Am I attracted to thus guy (physically and emotionally) : yes. But somehow, the gut feeling knows that now is not the right timing. So perhaps, pwrhaps if we are meant to be that somewhere in the near future, where if the feelings are ever mutual at the same and right timing, I would like to date you seriously. I have no idea if we can handle each other. But it will be interesting I guess. I was just thinking to myself, it would be so interesting, if one day, it’s like : let’s turn things back and be uncomfortable a little and go on a proper date. Yea, I’m such a hopeless romantic at times. This is just a thought with mininal expectations.

I have learnt over the years that when you expect too much at times, and it doesnt work out, you’ll just get sad and disappointed about it where in contrast if you dont expect anything, and something awesome happens, that feeling of happiness and surprise is just indescribable.

And I guess on 06.05.2018 I’m officially an adult. It wasnt sometimg I plan to happen but it did. Do I regret it? Not really somehow. I just imagined it to be a bit more different and a tad bit more special. But it wasnt much.

I guess 2018 is a year where I get to know more about myself, what I want and what I am striving. And given that it’s now May. That means almost half of 2018 has passed!!! Gosh how time just flew by this year! I’m 3 months in my new job (which by the way, I am now cofirmed as well)! It’s crazy! Just crazy!


Here’s to hopefully a good second half of the year and may I have the strength and positivity to get through and overcome things and enough logic to figure things out as I go through things.


xx.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

I'm fine

I'm not depressed. I can still smile at pretty things, and laugh when jokes are funny.
I can still talk to people and enjoy nice days.
But when I go inside, when I am alone,
There is something broken.
And I fall into a sadness so sweet, that it engulfs me.
I look into the mirror and I don't like what I see.
And the tears always fall
When I'm falling asleep, and I miss something that doesnt exist.

I am not depressed.
I've just been sad for a while.
But I can still find the light.
I can still smile.

________________________________________________________

I still have my rays of unspent sunshine which I draw up in times of darkness

________________________________________________________

You never get over it.
But you get to where it doesn't bother you too much.

________________________________________________________

Thursday, November 9, 2017

A new chapter

After 8 years (from A-levels till pupillage), I am finally a lawyer in Malaysia. It's surreal. It feels as if it's only yesterday where I was this innocent young kid starting college didn't really know what she had sign herself for.

I think everyone close around me knows I get excited for events. I don't know how to describe it. I guess I feel that moments like these happens only once in your life. So, your mind being the recorder of your life, should savour and live in such moments.

(muka tebal part) I look pretty and so professional in court attire with the robe and high court collar. I was shocked myself. HAHAHAHA. Arrived super early for my long call. And got stressed out about it because my mover was late and everyone just keep coming up to me to ask where my mover was. And then asked me if I have my speech with me. It was then I realized, oh shit. Should have insisted on the final version soft copy. And hence, my turn from no.8 got moved to No.10 (the last one for the day).

I guess in a way it was a blessing in disguise as well because, Azrin, Michelle, Louis, Yik Yee, See Wei made it on time to hear my speech. I was so excited and happy to see them. I dont know if other pupils sitting at the side made contact with their friends at the audience sitting area, but I did. Haha.

Hearing all the speeches of the other pupils before me got me emotional and made me feel like crying. I was thinking to myself inside (and not saying out loud for people might think I am crazy) : This is it guys!!!!! We made it!!! Like whaaaatttttttt. Wohooooooo. Hahaha. Yes. I get excited people. And I was just savouring every moment of it. 

As my turn got closer, I became surprisingly nervous. Hahaha. The heart started beating faster and the palms got sweaty. I was worried that I might screw up something. I was the girl wearing the highest heel there as well. 

As I stood at my designated spot, and my mover begin reading out my speech. A mixture of feeling proud, 'oh shit, this is really happening' and  just happy swept in. I try to look for my family and friends when they were addressed in my speech. And love the part where my mover, Siu Lin read: the Petitioner would like to thank her friends, Azrin, (saw her going awwwww), Li Ying, Michelle Chong, Sweet Yin, Mei Wee, Yik Yee, Cheng Wei and Jon, and she then added : the Petitioner just have a lot of friends" to which a few people and I laughed. Haha. And was surprised and nodding to myself as I hear my finalized speech for the first time. Hahahaa.

And I like my speech. I felt like it was one of the best (second muka tebal moment here). And I love the flowers I got! Thanks to Vivian and Kenny and my salmonellas and Mei Wee for getting me flowers. And my sstwo for getting me a pen and also having dinner with me. 27 October 2017. Truly a day in history that is embedded in my mind for life.

Also, I think it was a day before I met Jon a year ago! Can't believe it has been a year since we met and got to know each other! Time flies so fast! It's surprising because I thought I would never get over it, but I can live with what we are now. I dont want to think/hope too much into it anymore. The current thought is just, if it's meant to be, it will be. Of course though, I'll work hard and try to go US in the near future ans hope that he'll visit Asia again soon too. So yea :)

-xx

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Back to life

And I am back to work after my pupillage break.

How was my holiday? It started off with me still having to work a little and being busy with my pupillage documents filling but it ended off beautifully.

Went for a cheap but super #yolo and full of random experiences trip with Ms. Sweet. I was initially feeling nervous going on this trip as the days drew nearer to it cause it was the first time I'll be traveling with Ms.Sweet alone. Just the two of us. She's my oldest friend, but never have I hung out with her for more than 36 hours I think, what more traveling with her.

It turns out that we are compatible travel partners! I'm so thankful of that. And I got to know her a lot more during this trip. With our rooftop breakfast talks, bus ride talks and also pillow talks, I am glad that I was able to learn more about my old friend. It's not that I didn't know her, but given the fact that she was studying overseas and started off work first, and then started to work overseas, meant that, I still know her, just I didnt know her well after living on different environment over the years. I would say I didnt know how she changed to become the person she is today. And I guess, she got to know the changed version of me a bit more too.

It was a perfect balance of doing nature and the beach for this holiday. That if I could, I want to have more of this kind of holiday in the future! I realized that perhaps I'm more of a nature/city person compared to a beach person. Beach getaways are confined only for pure relaxation/being totally lazy/honeymoon type of holiday.

Plus, for the second time, I get to walk around and spend a couple of hours in a foreign country by myself. The first time was in Korea last year where MQ's leg was giving up on her and I went around on my own and met up with Joey for a meal. This time it was cause Ms. Sweet had an earlier flight back home and hence.being alone. It was totally fun in me pampering myself and challenging myself to make decisive decision of what I want, not to look stupid and trying to be comfortable just hanging out with myself or socializing with random strangers.

Experienced a full body massage for mani and pedi (this was disappointing) for the first time! Mmmm, I could get use to more of these kind of pampering in the future I would say. So all in all, it was a super nice holiday. It's not always one get to travel with plane-buses (local and touristy ones)-boat-motorbike-vans and card in a span of 6 days. Hahahahaa.

Also! Am looking forward to my long call. As I was reminiscing my career journey, I realized it took me 8 years to finally be able to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. To finally officially be a lawyer with all the valid education and practicing license/certificate to it. 8 freaking years. I took my own time in getting here. I definitely did sweat blood and tears and fats for this. No regrets whatsoever though. The experiences and people that I've come to know along the way is something I wouldnt trade over.

May the force be with me to provide me with enough strength and intelligence to move forward in terms of all departments of my life.

xx

Monday, June 19, 2017

Nearing the end of another chapter now

I have 15 working days left before my 9 months of pupillage comes to an end!  It's surreal!

It feels just like a month ago that I started the dreaded 9 months (without any official leave entitlements whatsoever) training, feeling scared and nervous as to what lies ahead of me. Certain months were bad as I discovered the firm where I was reading my pupillage at is not as it seems.

I did however decide to stay on, for the better purpose for my resume. The targeted expiry date: December 2017 or perhaps by May 2018. Because I am planning to save as much money as possible for #SF2018 or #uk2018. Sigh. The plan is upon leaving, I would take a personal leave of 1 month or more to travel and then start anew at another place (fingers crossed!)

Towards the end of this 9 months, I am really feeling the effects of burning out. You just feel so exhausted and can't wait where you finally get a break. I do not really mind not going anywhere to relax (though of course, if given the option that would be the best!). I just want to wake up late without having to worry about work or obsessively checking my emails throughout the day.

About 2 weeks back or so, I realized that I need to learn to draw the line of switching off work after certain hours and on days where I am legally and officially entitled to not work  (certain exceptions are applicable of course). As advised by J.Pwu who was told by his wise colleague :

"Our will will never be done, and it will be here in the morning when we come back. Go home and rest."

And another interesting analogy which I did not think of before: " And as much as you may think you can't miss a day, it's like the oxygen mask analogy: you need to take care of yourself before you take care of others."

The past 8.5 months have been such a journey. I made new friends, met new people, discovered things about myself, experienced stress on another level and of different type (the fear that you'll screw things up cause it's all on you now), cried, laughed, be annoyed and had to act bimbo on certain stuff, and all in all, it was a fun experience. I was thinking to myself (which I always do) - had I not choosen to accept this pupillage offer (which I almost did), would I be able to cross path with the people that I've come to know the past months? Do I have regrets of not staying on at Wong?

I do not know the answer to the first questions. It could be a 50:50 thing. Well, getting to know my colleagues like how I would know them now perhaps is not possible, but the people that I've met outside work, I wonder... 

Are there regrets of not accepting pupillage at Wong, and getting to learn IP stuff which might or might not make it easier for me to apply to an in-house MNC in the future? There isn't much of a regret to it really I guess.

And I am of course forever thankful of getting the chance to meet everyone (colleagues, legal aid group, my ray of unspent sunshine, random people during my pupillage) and to have my favourite people in the worldTM to support me and hear me rant and assure me of my insecurities are normal and that I am better than I think I am and to have more confidence in it.

Fingers crossed that I am able to have an awesome holiday (with enough money, sigh), my loved ones will be able to attend my long call, that all my papers and whatnot will be in order, I get pretty flowers and monetary contributions and awesome gifts,  and that hopefully what I wish for the end of the year or for next yearwill happen as well.

xx

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Well worth it

I was reading an article on how the younger generation date or define their romantic relationship these days. And damn, we're kinda fucked up compared to the olden days where things seemed so much more straight forward and honest.

In each individual being interviewed for the article, the last question that were asked was : "What is your definition of real love?" And I find myself pondering about it too. To me, I have not love a man before. I really liked someone right now. But I wouldn't say that I know him well enough to love him. And to be honest, I don't even know what it means, it takes or seem to be loving someone. The person that I really like right now, seems to be really different from my previous likes. (Haha). How do I put it, he makes me want to learn more from him, I'm thankful of him being patient with me, I try to compromise on things and I sure as hell am fighting for us. Is it love though? I really can't answer this.

There are days of course where expectation seemed so far from reality that I wonder if the feeling have changed. That he no longer likes me now. He's just fond of me. That's that.

So what does real love means to me?
To me, real love would be a conscious and subconscious realization that you care a lot about that person. That you want nothing but the best for them and that you will fight for that person, you will fight for your relationship with them no matter how much of an uphill battle it seemed or will be. You will fight until perhaps there comes a day when you finally get too tired and wake up with the thought and feeling, where your heart and your mind is in tandem that you don't want to do it anymore. That you are done. No hard feelings, but you just don't want to and you are fine giving up on the love/care/effort that you have been putting into the relationship. That it's ok to not fight anymore and you know that the person will always have a special place in your heart.

Real love have to be an effort contributed by you and your significant other. Neither one of you can do it alone. Real love is timing, maturity, trust, hard work, compromise, having an open mind and also not forgetting having a whole lot of fun at the same time. That you share the same wave length on things in life. Having that 'settled' feeling that you would not want to be in an adventure with any other person other that the person that pops into your mind right now reading this, that you could never thank the stars enough for giving you the chance to meet this person and having and discovering that person feel the same mutual magical feeling that you feel for him too.

If the timing and feelings right, take that risk. Go crazy. There might be some hiccups here and there, but if it's meant to be, it will be well worth it I am sure.

xx.