Tomorrow is the day where i am sitting for my exams for the next 10 days or so.. it all comes to this.the final one.
How am i feeling now? Its more or less how i felt when inwas about to sit for juris paper except that this might be slightly worse cause you may know what the answer is here but cannot recall where is the answer located. for juris,its all based on your own opinion and stuff.
I am scared of what i dont know is fatal and will what i know be enough?
This overwhelming feeling resulted in me breaking down in the shower just now.I just couldnt help it.
And then i realized, way to go CLP exams, for you just broke me on another level that I have not experienced before in my life..
May the forxe be with me to just be able to get theough these 10 days.I foresee there might be tears before (it just happened) , during and after the exams.
This would certainly be one of the challenges that I am facing so far in my life. may everything that i need to get through this be with me. mentally,phycially,and spiritually.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
I fear
It's been sometime now again that i wrote here.Have seriously been busy with studies and a little bit of hanging out and watching some shows to have some winding down time and attending classes.that's about all I've been doing these days.
Classes officially ended last week. I have mixed feelings as to this this time around.After studying in the same place for the past 5 years or so,so many changes have occurred.The surrounding environment, the people that I've come to know and what not. I hope though that I wont have to go back for the purposes of having to re-take my CLP exams.
The stress that I am undergoing this year for the CLP exams are truly on a whole another level compared to my UOL days. I try to convince myself from experience that I can handle it. But lo and behold,I just find myself crying one day while hearing songs to take a short break from studying. Even I was surprised.Last time I use to feel the need to release stress (by crying of course) by watching sad movies to make me cry.Nowadays,I just need a song or maybe just having a moment of silence I could cry like that.So, yeah, dont even get me started on having the feeling to want to vomit from time to time. (that's due to stress.I am not sick in any way)
I tell myself that I shall give my very best for this exam,with the hope to get through it for the first sitting itself.But in the event that I am not be able to get through,then well,I shall have no regrets and that life moves on.There's always another path that can be taken.
A part of me though,still can help being afraid.To be very honest and with no intention of wanting to brag whatsoever, I have got through all my law exams through the first sitting.I am very thankful for that. And so this time around-with a known fact that the failure rate for the CLP exams are so very high,I am afraid.Seriously scared. To put it in another way,I have not really experience failure for the past few years. And a part of me inside is scared and worried as to how will I handle it in the event it happens. Yes,I just saw that life moves on ,etc,etc above but then I have come to learn that things are easier said than done.Until you have really experienced it yourself,you'll never be able to feel,tell or describe that feeling. The fear of what people will think of me,the embarrassment , the thought of how my family maybe disappointed at me,the thought that they will say that I've not been studying seriously, the envious feeling of watching your friends get through and you did not. The shock feeling of how some people could get through (when you didnt really believe it that they could and you couldn't ) all these thoughts come to my mind.
I am not the smartest person out there,but there is a streak competitiveness and not wanting to lose to someone in me somewhere.Plus,some of my seniors whom went to the same high school with me and my sister's friend manage to get through it the first time around.So in that unexplainable feeling,I somehow feel the need to be able to get through this as well.Also,its the feeling that I've let my own self down,that I have no one to blame but myself that I did not get through this.
So yes,I fear.
I try to tell myself that it's not the end of the world if I dont get through.Maybe God has another plan for me.I can in a way experience life in different way which I might not thought might happen (?) I don't know.We will see how it goes. Let's focus on the positive and try to give my all while I still have sometime left .
-with lots of love ,peace out-
Classes officially ended last week. I have mixed feelings as to this this time around.After studying in the same place for the past 5 years or so,so many changes have occurred.The surrounding environment, the people that I've come to know and what not. I hope though that I wont have to go back for the purposes of having to re-take my CLP exams.
The stress that I am undergoing this year for the CLP exams are truly on a whole another level compared to my UOL days. I try to convince myself from experience that I can handle it. But lo and behold,I just find myself crying one day while hearing songs to take a short break from studying. Even I was surprised.Last time I use to feel the need to release stress (by crying of course) by watching sad movies to make me cry.Nowadays,I just need a song or maybe just having a moment of silence I could cry like that.So, yeah, dont even get me started on having the feeling to want to vomit from time to time. (that's due to stress.I am not sick in any way)
I tell myself that I shall give my very best for this exam,with the hope to get through it for the first sitting itself.But in the event that I am not be able to get through,then well,I shall have no regrets and that life moves on.There's always another path that can be taken.
A part of me though,still can help being afraid.To be very honest and with no intention of wanting to brag whatsoever, I have got through all my law exams through the first sitting.I am very thankful for that. And so this time around-with a known fact that the failure rate for the CLP exams are so very high,I am afraid.Seriously scared. To put it in another way,I have not really experience failure for the past few years. And a part of me inside is scared and worried as to how will I handle it in the event it happens. Yes,I just saw that life moves on ,etc,etc above but then I have come to learn that things are easier said than done.Until you have really experienced it yourself,you'll never be able to feel,tell or describe that feeling. The fear of what people will think of me,the embarrassment , the thought of how my family maybe disappointed at me,the thought that they will say that I've not been studying seriously, the envious feeling of watching your friends get through and you did not. The shock feeling of how some people could get through (when you didnt really believe it that they could and you couldn't ) all these thoughts come to my mind.
I am not the smartest person out there,but there is a streak competitiveness and not wanting to lose to someone in me somewhere.Plus,some of my seniors whom went to the same high school with me and my sister's friend manage to get through it the first time around.So in that unexplainable feeling,I somehow feel the need to be able to get through this as well.Also,its the feeling that I've let my own self down,that I have no one to blame but myself that I did not get through this.
So yes,I fear.
I try to tell myself that it's not the end of the world if I dont get through.Maybe God has another plan for me.I can in a way experience life in different way which I might not thought might happen (?) I don't know.We will see how it goes. Let's focus on the positive and try to give my all while I still have sometime left .
-with lots of love ,peace out-
Friday, May 16, 2014
my person (people)
Just finished watching the season finale for grey's anatomy.At the end of season 10,Christina is finally leaving.And while still in tears I decided that I had to blog about this one quote i love from this episode.It was a perfect farewell.I love it.It happened so fast that i just wanted it to be longer.
"You're my person. I need you alive. You make me brave," Christina said this to Meredith.
In the context of friendship : 2 person came to my mind-Ms.Lee and Ms.Sweet. The things that I've gone through during high school years and what not.
The next people would be Ms.Yap and my sstwo. and also Ms.Jue Ann.
Disclaimer: Not that I dont value my other friends in general,but these are the people that i feel get me and they're the ones i usually go to first (other than my family) on my happiness and sadness in life.
I feel very blessed to have met these people in my life.I am sorry if I dont seem to be the friend in need at times,or when I display my act of jealousy or bitchness. But I do value,treasure and want to maintain or further improve my friendships with a number of people that I've come to know for sometime now.
-with lots of love,peace out-
Sunday, April 27, 2014
how far would you go for love?
To love someone and be with them until it comes to a point where it seems that you are the only one who is working to further build and maintain the relationship while it seems that the significant other always promise to do better and keeps apologizing. Is it really worth holding on to? Is that or is there still love?
Is it still love when it seems that you cry more than you smile at times?
-with lots of love (?) hahaha,peace out-
Is it still love when it seems that you cry more than you smile at times?
It makes me wonder how far would one go for love?
I've never been in love. Observing and hearing stories about how my friend's deal with their relationships,in giving my opinion at times,I wonder,why would you go through all the pain and misery when it looks and feel that you could do with someone which is so much better? or that it would better to be single and alone rather than putting yourself in such emotionally and physically exhaustive times.
And so they say,love is blind,and we accept the love that we think we deserve.
We are so blinded by it at times,that it numbs a bit of our logical and rationally judgement.
At the same contradictory time,it makes us happy,it gives us hope,it may even make us stronger at times.
It helps us grow and (hopefully ) help us become wiser as well.
So I wonder,how far will you go for love and try to maintain it after going through all the happiness and sadness?
What is it from it are you hoping to get at the end of the day?
This may be an unanswerable question at times
But I do know for a fact that human beings are not robots,we get exhausted.
When it reaches to our very maximum limit,
The brain and heart will tell you,enough.
That's about all the shit I can deal and take.
I need to cut you out of my life for the happiness of you and me.
-with lots of love (?) hahaha,peace out-
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
It's exam season for the upcoming months.Yes,you heard me right, months! and I am already preparing for exam.Well,to be honest,there actually isn't much time.The amount of workload that I have is crazyyyy.The subject matter isnt really hard,after changing my mindset from SPM for UOL style of exam,I have to change it again for CLP.The exams are literally a race against time and memory *sighhhhh*
Exams will be early-mid July.What am I gonna do after that? PARTAYYYYY. Hahahaha. Just kidding. I am totally not a party person in the sense of going to clubs or drinking alcohol. Never even got drunk before.Hahahahaa.
Am aimming and planning to go on vacations and have fun traveling and stuff :D Hopefully I will be able to do that. Am trying my hardest to study my ass off cause I want and foresee to have a tiny bit of R&R in May.SO, need to bersusah susah dahulu,and bersenang sedikit kemudian . Hahahahaha.
Just a slight update before I head to Dreamland as I am now feeling so hyper at 2am and I have no idea why. *sigh* that is why I am soooo not a morning person. I need to rewind back my sleeping clock though.Have been sleeping about 3-4 something lately,and hence today,i guess i am sleeping a bit early.
So so so addicted to songs from the Neighbourhood.Specifically : Lurk, Afraid (4e remix) , Silver and Honest.It's been on repeat the WHOLE day today. And for one last time,am gonna listen to it before i head to bed.
-with lots of love,peace out-
Exams will be early-mid July.What am I gonna do after that? PARTAYYYYY. Hahahaha. Just kidding. I am totally not a party person in the sense of going to clubs or drinking alcohol. Never even got drunk before.Hahahahaa.
Am aimming and planning to go on vacations and have fun traveling and stuff :D Hopefully I will be able to do that. Am trying my hardest to study my ass off cause I want and foresee to have a tiny bit of R&R in May.SO, need to bersusah susah dahulu,and bersenang sedikit kemudian . Hahahahaha.
Just a slight update before I head to Dreamland as I am now feeling so hyper at 2am and I have no idea why. *sigh* that is why I am soooo not a morning person. I need to rewind back my sleeping clock though.Have been sleeping about 3-4 something lately,and hence today,i guess i am sleeping a bit early.
So so so addicted to songs from the Neighbourhood.Specifically : Lurk, Afraid (4e remix) , Silver and Honest.It's been on repeat the WHOLE day today. And for one last time,am gonna listen to it before i head to bed.
-with lots of love,peace out-
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
23 but I insist that I'm only 21
hello hello,Once again I am about a month late in posting up updates. Looks like my resolution to blog more seem not to be working out so far.I have myself to blame for my love of procrastination. I have one or two draft posts which needs some touch ups here and there before I post them.
Well,I love the month of April solely because I was born on this month.Had a night class this year on my birthday so all birthday celebrations were celebrated either before or after the actual day.How did the celebrations go this year? A summary of it would be : food! the main theme for this year! hahaha.
Celebrated my born day a day earlier with my long time best friends : Ms Lee and Ms.Sweet.Had brunch with Ms.Lee at this baba&nyonya restaurant (called Lima Blas-which means 15 pronounced the baba and nyonya way) at jalan mesui (which has an awesome coffee shop called Feeka beside it! ) We ordered a set lunch where the main dish was tamarind chicken and after tasting it,i decided to order Pong Teh as I was curious as to how good it would taste. It was not up to my expectations and I was giving my opinion on it without realizing that the owner of the shop was kinda sitting behind opposite of me-seperated by a cupboard or something.
The unexpected moment that happen after eating was Ms.lee went around the shop to take some pictures and she saw this ice gems biscuits(?) i am not sure what exactly the biscuits were called,but it was these small biscuits with coloured sugar on top which i am sure all of you has eaten them during your childhood. (if you have not,then WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN MY FRIEND?!!!) . She wanted to buy some for me but the owner then just decided to give to her for free cause he said it's such an inexpensive food.And Ms.Lee then shocked me with it.I thought that she bought it in seremban and brought it up to KL to give'em to me..So I was super shocked to hear her story of how she got them later on.
Also,for some unknown reasons,when we were paying the bill,the owner decided to not charge us for the pong teh.Dont know if he heard my criticisms or what..We were dumbfounded that we kinda didn't ask the real reason as to why it was on the house.
Met Ms.Sweet for dinner and she came with 2 things that I never thought she and ms.lee had it all plan out. They decided to buy me : ROSES BY THEIR STALKS AND A BOTTLE OF ROSE WINE!! i laughed like crazy and was so shocked when I saw Ms.Sweet walking in with it.To be honest,I thought she had received the roses from her colleague at work and was about to say: Woahhh! you received flowers from work?!!!! When she said, 'Nah,this is for you'. HAHAHAHAAHA. I will never forget that moment.The epicness of it was beyond words.We had dinner and proceeded to have some coffee and cake at the Library Coffee and had some funny/interesting chilling session.These 2 friends of mine will never fail to amaze and amuse me.
Got a called from my aunt who's in UK on my birthday which i totally didnt see it coming.Oh, and my bro SENT ME A YOUTUBE VIDEO WITH CLIPS OF KOREAN STARS WISHING SINGING /DEDICATING BIRTHDAY WISHES ( it must have taken him sometime to find the vid) which was hilarious.No one asked me out to hang out on my birthay this year and so before class,i went to celebrate by myself with a little bit of starbucks and a salad wrap . Came home from class and my parents went to bed( as it was late).. and so i decided to make a birthday cake for myself with the ice gems biscuits as there were about 20 mins before 2nd April ends at 12am.
Had lunch with Ms.Leong at klcc to which she belanja me and we lepak and chatted for bit and it feels like such a long time since we've done these kinda stuff together =(( and had Johnny Rockets burger ( which IS SOOOO GOOOD) with my sis on Friday... The celebration continues on Saturday where I had lunch with Pei Nee,Siew Lee,and my birthday twins -Ah Chang & Hui Peng.Had korean food and Pei Nee and Siew Lee urprised the 3 of us with a lighted birthday cake! All 3 of us totally didn't see that coming.And I got birthday gifts from Ah Chang and Hui Peng-they used their books vouchers to buy me a book respectively.I was so touched and felt bad cause i didn't get them anything at all >.<
On sunday, yik yee belanja me lunch and for once we get to hang out and talk more other the the walls in my college building.It's not always we hang out after class cause we're usually either tired and rushing to go home or class just ended too late to have time to chill.Besides that,she's working..so it's hard to meet on a day where we dont have class.
Ooh, and way earlier before it was actually my birthday,my parents got my necklace which i received for my 21st birthday clasp fixed and bought a new pendant for me-which i seriously did not expect at all.It was a cluster of stars.And I LOVE IT!!
All in all,this year's birthday celebration was very memorable.I get to celebrate it with all the person that matters to me in my life and albeit it being all at different timing,each of them took the time and effort to celebrate it for me and with me.Also I received a lot of birthday wishes as well.Some which I didn't expect to receive because I thought they forgot or don't really care.
Words really couldnt not express how happy, thankful I am in having such family and friends in my life.
-with lots and lots of love,thank you-
Well,I love the month of April solely because I was born on this month.Had a night class this year on my birthday so all birthday celebrations were celebrated either before or after the actual day.How did the celebrations go this year? A summary of it would be : food! the main theme for this year! hahaha.
Celebrated my born day a day earlier with my long time best friends : Ms Lee and Ms.Sweet.Had brunch with Ms.Lee at this baba&nyonya restaurant (called Lima Blas-which means 15 pronounced the baba and nyonya way) at jalan mesui (which has an awesome coffee shop called Feeka beside it! ) We ordered a set lunch where the main dish was tamarind chicken and after tasting it,i decided to order Pong Teh as I was curious as to how good it would taste. It was not up to my expectations and I was giving my opinion on it without realizing that the owner of the shop was kinda sitting behind opposite of me-seperated by a cupboard or something.
The unexpected moment that happen after eating was Ms.lee went around the shop to take some pictures and she saw this ice gems biscuits(?) i am not sure what exactly the biscuits were called,but it was these small biscuits with coloured sugar on top which i am sure all of you has eaten them during your childhood. (if you have not,then WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN MY FRIEND?!!!) . She wanted to buy some for me but the owner then just decided to give to her for free cause he said it's such an inexpensive food.And Ms.Lee then shocked me with it.I thought that she bought it in seremban and brought it up to KL to give'em to me..So I was super shocked to hear her story of how she got them later on.
Also,for some unknown reasons,when we were paying the bill,the owner decided to not charge us for the pong teh.Dont know if he heard my criticisms or what..We were dumbfounded that we kinda didn't ask the real reason as to why it was on the house.
Met Ms.Sweet for dinner and she came with 2 things that I never thought she and ms.lee had it all plan out. They decided to buy me : ROSES BY THEIR STALKS AND A BOTTLE OF ROSE WINE!! i laughed like crazy and was so shocked when I saw Ms.Sweet walking in with it.To be honest,I thought she had received the roses from her colleague at work and was about to say: Woahhh! you received flowers from work?!!!! When she said, 'Nah,this is for you'. HAHAHAHAAHA. I will never forget that moment.The epicness of it was beyond words.We had dinner and proceeded to have some coffee and cake at the Library Coffee and had some funny/interesting chilling session.These 2 friends of mine will never fail to amaze and amuse me.
Got a called from my aunt who's in UK on my birthday which i totally didnt see it coming.Oh, and my bro SENT ME A YOUTUBE VIDEO WITH CLIPS OF KOREAN STARS WISHING SINGING /DEDICATING BIRTHDAY WISHES ( it must have taken him sometime to find the vid) which was hilarious.No one asked me out to hang out on my birthay this year and so before class,i went to celebrate by myself with a little bit of starbucks and a salad wrap . Came home from class and my parents went to bed( as it was late).. and so i decided to make a birthday cake for myself with the ice gems biscuits as there were about 20 mins before 2nd April ends at 12am.
Had lunch with Ms.Leong at klcc to which she belanja me and we lepak and chatted for bit and it feels like such a long time since we've done these kinda stuff together =(( and had Johnny Rockets burger ( which IS SOOOO GOOOD) with my sis on Friday... The celebration continues on Saturday where I had lunch with Pei Nee,Siew Lee,and my birthday twins -Ah Chang & Hui Peng.Had korean food and Pei Nee and Siew Lee urprised the 3 of us with a lighted birthday cake! All 3 of us totally didn't see that coming.And I got birthday gifts from Ah Chang and Hui Peng-they used their books vouchers to buy me a book respectively.I was so touched and felt bad cause i didn't get them anything at all >.<
On sunday, yik yee belanja me lunch and for once we get to hang out and talk more other the the walls in my college building.It's not always we hang out after class cause we're usually either tired and rushing to go home or class just ended too late to have time to chill.Besides that,she's working..so it's hard to meet on a day where we dont have class.
Ooh, and way earlier before it was actually my birthday,my parents got my necklace which i received for my 21st birthday clasp fixed and bought a new pendant for me-which i seriously did not expect at all.It was a cluster of stars.And I LOVE IT!!
All in all,this year's birthday celebration was very memorable.I get to celebrate it with all the person that matters to me in my life and albeit it being all at different timing,each of them took the time and effort to celebrate it for me and with me.Also I received a lot of birthday wishes as well.Some which I didn't expect to receive because I thought they forgot or don't really care.
Words really couldnt not express how happy, thankful I am in having such family and friends in my life.
-with lots and lots of love,thank you-
Friday, March 21, 2014
this maybe something that does not make sense.
I just had this random thought a few days back,and thought that I better put it down somewhere before I cast it off my mind.
I read this quote/phrase/sentence back when i was in high school and I go by this thing ever since I get to know about it cause I totally agree with what I had read. It has something to do of liking someone of the opposite sex.Like when someone ask me if I love that person to whom I am attracted to/have a crush on,my usual reply would be like-- if i was crushin on that someone : Uhhh, like for now,I just know that I am attracted to that person,but I wouldn't say that I LOVE him, because I dont know him well enough to do that. I think I like him,but not to the extent of loving him.
The word 'I Love You' has been used so easily these days for people who are in relationships.I mean how do i put this,sometimes,I feel people overuse it and don't really understand the real true meaning of it..But to put myself in their shoes,maybe at that moment,they really think that that was love to them.
It just occurred to me the other day,when I thought about all of the things I wrote above that I have yet to find a person whom I know well enough and like them enough to the point that I am willing to tell the person that I love him. Don't get me wrong now of thinking I am in a rush of wanting to find that person... I do feel so when I get emo at times (usually its in the middle of the night or when I friends announcing they are in a relationship in fb,etc)
It's been sometime since I have a crush on a person -like I was shocked myself when I start to think about it.Hahahahaha.. Plus,based on past experience,hmmm,I dont really want to simply declare that I am crushin on a certain person for at times,you perceive that person to be someone whom you thought they might be but it turns out that the person is someone who is totally different from what you thought they might be.So yeah...
I shall stop here before I go on and type something which when I read back in the future would seem totally embarrassing and what not...
p/s: its kinda late at night now,and I might not be in total right mind when i am writing this post so please excuse me if this post does not make a lot of sense somehow...
-peace out-
I read this quote/phrase/sentence back when i was in high school and I go by this thing ever since I get to know about it cause I totally agree with what I had read. It has something to do of liking someone of the opposite sex.Like when someone ask me if I love that person to whom I am attracted to/have a crush on,my usual reply would be like-- if i was crushin on that someone : Uhhh, like for now,I just know that I am attracted to that person,but I wouldn't say that I LOVE him, because I dont know him well enough to do that. I think I like him,but not to the extent of loving him.
The word 'I Love You' has been used so easily these days for people who are in relationships.I mean how do i put this,sometimes,I feel people overuse it and don't really understand the real true meaning of it..But to put myself in their shoes,maybe at that moment,they really think that that was love to them.
It just occurred to me the other day,when I thought about all of the things I wrote above that I have yet to find a person whom I know well enough and like them enough to the point that I am willing to tell the person that I love him. Don't get me wrong now of thinking I am in a rush of wanting to find that person... I do feel so when I get emo at times (usually its in the middle of the night or when I friends announcing they are in a relationship in fb,etc)
It's been sometime since I have a crush on a person -like I was shocked myself when I start to think about it.Hahahahaha.. Plus,based on past experience,hmmm,I dont really want to simply declare that I am crushin on a certain person for at times,you perceive that person to be someone whom you thought they might be but it turns out that the person is someone who is totally different from what you thought they might be.So yeah...
I shall stop here before I go on and type something which when I read back in the future would seem totally embarrassing and what not...
p/s: its kinda late at night now,and I might not be in total right mind when i am writing this post so please excuse me if this post does not make a lot of sense somehow...
-peace out-
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