Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I fear

It's been sometime now again that i wrote here.Have seriously been busy with studies and a little bit of hanging out and watching some shows to have some winding down time and attending classes.that's about all I've been doing these days.

Classes officially ended last week. I have mixed feelings as to this this time around.After studying in the same place for the past 5 years or so,so many changes have occurred.The surrounding environment, the people that I've come to know and what not. I hope though that I wont have to go back for the purposes of having to re-take my CLP exams.

The stress that I am undergoing this year for the CLP exams are truly on a whole another level compared to my UOL days. I try to convince myself from experience that I can handle it. But lo and behold,I just find myself crying one day while hearing songs to take a short break from studying. Even I was surprised.Last time I use to feel the need to release stress (by crying of course) by watching sad movies to make me cry.Nowadays,I just need a song or maybe just having a moment of silence I could cry like that.So, yeah, dont even get me started on having the feeling to want to vomit from time to time. (that's due to stress.I am not sick in any way)

I tell myself that I shall give my very best for this exam,with the hope to get through it for the first sitting itself.But in the event that I am not be able to get through,then well,I shall have no regrets and that life moves on.There's always another path that can be taken.

A part of me though,still can help being afraid.To be very honest and with no intention of wanting to brag whatsoever, I have got through all my law exams through the first sitting.I am very thankful for that. And so this time around-with a known fact that the failure rate for the CLP exams are so very high,I am afraid.Seriously scared. To put it in another way,I have not really experience failure for the past few years. And a part of me inside is scared and worried as to how will I handle it in the event it happens. Yes,I just saw that life moves on ,etc,etc above but then I have come to learn that things are easier said than done.Until you have really experienced it yourself,you'll never be able to feel,tell or describe that feeling. The fear of what people will think of me,the embarrassment , the thought of how my family maybe disappointed at me,the thought that they will say that I've not been studying seriously, the envious feeling of watching your friends get through and you did not. The shock feeling of how some people could get through (when you didnt really believe it that they could and you couldn't ) all these thoughts come to my mind.

I am not the smartest person out there,but there is a streak competitiveness and not wanting to lose to someone in me somewhere.Plus,some of my seniors whom went to the same high school with me and my sister's friend manage to get through it the first time around.So in that unexplainable feeling,I somehow feel the need to be able to get through this as well.Also,its the feeling that I've let my own self down,that I have no one to blame but myself that I did not get through this.

So yes,I fear.

I try to tell myself that it's not the end of the world if I dont get through.Maybe God has another plan for me.I can in a way experience life in different way which I might not thought might happen (?) I don't know.We will see how it goes. Let's focus on the positive and try to give my all while I still have sometime left .

-with lots of love ,peace out-

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