things on the side

I ended the year and started off the new year experiencing literally a ball of emotions. Work has been crazy, boss has been bitchy and passive aggressive towards me, had a little bit of family drama and relationship as been.... interesting

I think by far I have never met such an asshole in my life. You either consciously or subconsciously has been informing the group that you are dating someone. Obviously everyone including me knows. On New Years Eve, you think it's ok to bring her to do countdown together. And at 6pm, while I was happily getting ready, you decided that it would be 'the right and respectful thing' to do to personally text me to say that your plus one is the girl you have been going out with. You guys just got together so no official labels yet. Ummm, hello, that's not rocket science to me. 

And then you had the cheek to say you hope things are cool between us that I wouldnt meStarntion anything we did/had before.. because your girlfriend is insecure about your past and you know that it's your fault. I have never felt anger that way. So basically you texted me to ensure that I'll keep my mouth shut. And then I have to be at the party facing you and your girlfriend as if nothing had ever happen.

I can be the mean bitchy girl if I want to. But that's not me. So I put on my fake smile, drink and conveniently just avoid unnecessary conversations with you that night. It's a whole new level of realization that I can play stuff cool though I probably would have killed you in my head 10 thousand times already. Thankful that I had a very good support system to get me through it. And I surprised myself by how fast I got over you. I guess you really push me to the limit and your asshole actions definitely helped me move on fast.

Fingers crossed that I would be able to close certain project smoothly. Last week was the literal experience of whatever that can go wrong for Completion, will go wrong. But nonetheless, the words that MCG told me which was told by WWK is that, that's how you learn and grow to become a good lawyer. If all things go smoothly, that's great, but you'll never learn or grow to solve situations and problems.

 So if you were to ask me how did I start off my 2019, well, with a lot of tears and stress. But it's all good. 

my ray of unspent sunshine

When someone you really like / love finds a person whom they connect with on a lot of levels and you completely understand that that is something hard to find and can be pretty rare, and seeing how happy and excited they are. You know they have found someone special. One part of you truly feel happy for him while another part of you, without any hate, bitterness, anger or any ill feelings feels sad. You were not hurt intentionally. But the heart breaks a little or is this a whole heartbreak?

The brain and gut feeling tells me, you know you are going to be fine, but somehow you tear randomly without any warning and when night falls, you get sad at times. Yes, you are in pain. But you know well enough that time will heal this and you will be fine. Seeing the person you treasure the most find happiness is such a beautiful thing. Compared to other people that I have fallen for, I couldnt  or wasnt ready to wish them happiness cause there is some sort of resentment or feeling unsatisfied towards the person.

But this is different. I want him to be happy and wish for him to have nothing but love and happiness. I hope he finds someone that lights up his day like how he’s my ray of unspent sunshine. He deserves to be happy. I’m still excited to meet him in July ... perhaps with a different feeling and excitement now with changed circumstances. But nonetheless very excited.

I hope our friendship never change. You will forever have a special place in my heart. I have written this down and said it many times, I am forever more grateful that I get to meet you in this lifetime. I learnt and grow so much as a person. You support and genuine take of who I am and to ask me to never change or compromise myself for anyone and that I deserve someone awesome and the patience of listening to my ‘issues’ and giving good advices and always layan-ing me and just unexpectedly making my day. I can never thank you enough for this. Perhaps you are my Marry Poppins.

I wish you nothing but for all the love and happiness in this universe and the strength to overcome any sadness or challenges that you may face. I think I’ll always love you. 6 months to go. I wonder how I'll be then.

xx

Ah. So here we are. Less than 1 week away before 2018 come to an end. The last one month has been crazy in terms of work and social life. There were good days and bad days but nonetheless a good experience.  So thankful for all the people that entered and stayed in my life and for those who walked away and/or me walking away from some people in my life this year as well. Let’s see how 2019 goes! Am excited and enthusiastic for it :D

A short summary for 2018

2018 is coming to an end soon. Ah, what a year it has been. I changed my job and is much happier with my boss. Unexpectedly my office had to move location and the office now is so much nearer to my place.

Had my first bridesmaid duty, witness a beautiful wedding where my best friend got married. Attended a number of weddings. Saw and heard loads of engagement news. So happy for people whom I love and care about finding the love of their life. Had a fair share of heartbreak and confusion this year as well. But then I learnt more of what I want and got stronger to realize I deserve to be treated right and better love. Discovered that I'm good at things I didnt expect myself to be good at. ;)

A times of insecurity, I learnt to appreciate and love myself more, and though I have my flaws, I am awesome the way I am and I do not need to change myself for a person when there's nothing wrong about myself but just cause they don't like me or want me for their own selfish reasons.

Consciously realized that I'm too kind many a times and I should not let people take advantage of my kindness nor take me for granted. And that I do not know how to cut toxic people out of my life. I know this is bad and I am working on it.

Feeling so blessed getting to see Lorde, The NBHD, Odesza, Louis the Child, the XX, Above and Beyond, Honne, live this year and will be catching Alesso, Mura Massa, Major Lazer and many more for DWP which is happening in less than 1 month!

Worked out like crazy and realized I really enjoy boxing and spin classes this year and of course I unluckily dislocated my knee. A pain I would not want to go through again in life if possible. Rode in an ambulance and got myself checked in and out of the hospital alone myself which made me realize that I am really an adult now and can handle things pretty alright. Haahaha.

Made new friends and good friends at work and personally as well. Very blessed to have meet this people in my life. The best friend Azrin, is moving to UK in less than 5 days and I'm still in denial =( so blessed to have met her and always grateful for her advice and looking out for me and encouraging me to try new things! Love you always!!

Partied quite a bit as well this year and good fun nights as always. =)

So so so happy and excited that Jon will be visiting next year! Still amazed that we still keep in touch with each other! 

Also, I have joined the world of bigger sized phone with the new iphone XR and am slowly getting used to it! And I have deleted all dating apps and it's just a breath of fresh air not having the thought at the back of my mind whether I got a match with someone and all that jazz. Am happy to just be single for now and focus on myself, even if it means I get lonely at times. But I rather have that than fall for an asshole or be in a toxic relationship.

Excited for the upcoming last 1 month before the new year. To more adventures and fun.

I used to get anxious and fidgety when you go out for coffee with other girls or has thoughts of wanting to text or have closure with your ex. Today though, when you told me that, I feel nothing and I’m happy that I felt and reacted that way. 

I think I sound like ‘yeah bitch I’m done with your bullshit’. I let you treat me as a safety net option all this while and didnt realize it. I was too positive/hopeful that you will somehow feel something more from me. I trusted you enough to have you as my first.  I didnt know why I let you treat me that way. I regret nothing for you made me realize that I deserve something so much better. I dont need a grand declaration of love or romantic events and be showered with flowers (though occassionaly, it doesnt hurt) or material things, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask to expect to be treated right, with respect and someone who just thinks that the sun shines out of my ass (paraphrasing the movie Juno)

What you said to me on a Tuesday 2 weeks ago made me snap and I was just done with it. I deserve hella lot more than a kid who treats me like a doormat or only looks for me when you need to satisfy your ego or lust or need a rational opinion on things. 

To drive my to this point is really something. As a quote I stumbled upon sometime ago : never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a fuck. That’s my maximum level. If yoy push me to that level, I can be a cold heartless person you thought I never could be.

xx

Over time

I'm thankful for all the people I have come across in my life so far. Some are just passerby some are here to stay for a season or two, some are here to stay for a long time. I am blessed that for those who choose to hang around, for all their care and love. I am disappointed in those I thought care for me more, but didnt. But you learn about a person the longer you get to know them. Their likes, dislikes and quirks. I learn about myself too at the same time.

I had a lot of time the past week to reflect on certain friendships and relationships, thinking back on how it has changed or grown over a period of time.It's amusing and there were certain regrets here and there, wishing I could turn back time to change or respond to certain things differently. But I guess then it wouldnt lead to where it has is today then.

xx

Popping it in and out

Here I am again. 2 months after my previous post. How have I been since my previous post? Busy. I was busy for all the departments in my life.

On the work end, it’s been 6 months now since I started at RDL. Time certainly flies. I am happy and thankful that I manage to fit in with my colleagues so far. My boss.... he is a character. But I really look up to him that he is so good at what he does at such a young age that I want to deliver good work from my end for him and to be able to learn more from him. He can be difficult to deal with at times, there are days where I really hate him, but more than not, I can still take it. Questions on how long will I stay in practice or with the firm? I guess it depends on how my first bonus goes, whether there might be better opportunities out there and what not. But for now, I am okay with being where I am. This multijurisdiction acquisition project has been killing me but it’s in a way a good experience and exposure for me. And I am completing/closing my first deal tomorrow! Let’s hope everything goes on fully tomorrow until the file is declared close.

On family end, my uncle(s) have been sick. And my mum has been taking care of them but they have the cheek to not appreciate the effort and instead let out their anger on her or is so demanding at their sick times that it gets annoying at times really. I have very little respect for my uncles at times because they talk as if they are all that but their actions always doesn’t follow through.  Seeing this and other things in life, I am a firm believer that actions speaks louder than words. You can promise me the entire universe for all I care, but I’ll only ever believe it if you follow it through your actions as well. Someone told me that, but  don’t you think you should also take into consideration of their omissions as well? There might be a reason for their omissions at times.True. I have never take that into account before really. But I was thinking about it randomly the other day, but if you choose to omit something and not explain or follow up through another action to justify that omission, then one would never know it at the end of the day anyway. I guess I have been let down a few times by words alone in life that whatever words that I’ve put it out there, I try to follow it up with my actions.

On relationship end, well, I have been having feelings for a person for sometime. I have a belief and gave myself a kinda rough timeline as to how long I should wait for him. For the first time too, I took effort to organise and plan a birthday for a guy I really like and was really happy that he loved it and appreciate it. I love birthdays and I like giving a person a good birthday celebration. I have no expectations that through that effort/ thoughtfulness of mine that it would lead to something more, if any, I was prepared for that to be my final effort to in a way win his heart. Or for it to be just that. Nothing more. I don’t need or want anything more from that. But he was touched and said things which seems promising and seems to be trying. Maybe I misinterpret it or read too much into it.  Through a normal then serious phone conversation last Tuesday, where a plan to have closure all this while from his ex became I want closure and to give my one last shot and my all to win her back. The moment I heard that, my heart was half filled with dread and sadness. My brain just went : You are done Jo. Walk away from this. There is no point pursuing this anymore. He is not worth it. He is in a way blind. Just walk away. You are better off without him.

And that I did. I told him I don’t hate him. I have my feelings sorted, which I kinda did by having this wall all this while from preventing myself from falling from him deeper. He does somewhat meant something to me. Is it a lot though? I would say that he meant the huge deal to me. I mean I have come to realize how much I mean to him as of late as well? Am I terribly sad or angry? Not a lot. It’s like my heart and brain is telling me he is not even worth it to have a full on cry fest. Which surprisingly  I didn’t. I cried for 10 and perhaps 20 mins on 2 separate occasion when I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and on another occasion I think it was through his response to my text message. And  in between this going on, I was busy at work, attending a wedding and a hen’s night and dealing with some friendship drama regarding the wedding and stuff and getting excited for DWP X. So yay for having a lot of things to keep me occupied.

Attended Kim’s hen night and wedding last  Thursday and Saturday. First time clubbing with kim
 and her siblings and her are so funny. I had a really good and tiring night but it was worth it. Then attended her wedding on Saturday morning and evening and it was very simple and beautiful. I really like her wedding video and photos. The photographer and videographer really did a good job. And then I hung out till 4.30 am! I think this is one rare occasion where I just hung out with a person till so late just talking about stuff, and I did not foresee tears or really deep conversations. But it’s nice. I don’t know what kind of impression I gave, but hopefully not something along the line of : ok. This girl is crazy and has too many things happening for her and talk too much and is just weird and crazy. Hahaaha.


I went for my 9.15 am boxing class the next day, sleepy but still believing that I would be able to survive the class when I think like 15-20 mins in class, where I was twisting my body/ leg to throw in a punch that I dislocated my knee cap,it was so painful that I fell to the ground and tried to get help. Azrin  saw me and called for the instructor. They though I had a cramp or something minor initially I think, until I showed them my kneecap and they went : oh shit,I freaked out too, bless Elaine who came to sit with me by my side talking to me like normal trying to take my mind off the pain and telling me that I was gonna be fine, thanks to the initial shock, I felt the pain but I guess it was still manageable. But the ambulance came only after the class ended and towards the end of the class, the shock was wearing off and the pain starts hitting me that I started crying. And I was horrified when they told me they are gonna pop my kneecap back in just like that with no tools or painkillers. I’m usually the type who will try to scream silently, but I just couldn’t. Had to scream out loud and bite my tee while they pull my leg straight for the knee cap to move back in, this is something I hope I would experience again.

I’m not gonna lie that I was kinda hurt that Azrin and Leanda didn’t offer to accompany me to the hospital. And after registering myself and stuff and the only thing left was to wait for my turn to see the doctor that I started contacting my close friends and parents to awkwardly tell them about my situation and assure them I am fine, I don’t know why I feel awkward and embarrassed, I just don’t want them to burden or worry them too much. I was contemplating if I should tell my parents only when I got home, but decided that I should just notify them first,

And am now recovering well from it. This experience also made me realize that hey, I can handle stuff on my own in the event I got into an accident and am alone. I am blur as to where to go about at the hospital and stuff, but hey I did it andafter getting my meds and all managed to order a grab back home.

I am once again very thankful of everyone who texts me to keep track of my recovery and offering to get me food and what not and this also made me realize that the people whom I was expecting to care more didn’t really bother doing that. That made me show how much I meant to them in their life I guess. But hey, I guess the saying of no expectations no disappointments are usually the best. Oh well. I’ll be fine and whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

On the friendship department,  I have been trying to avoid my friend who is a bit toxic for me and I thought I was wrong about this cause she’s so nice to me recently again and stuff but again, i’m not entirely sure about this. We shall see how things goes I guess.

I am currently loving  or trying to love and appreciate life and take all that has happened as a new experience and lesson learnt for the future and to help me be a better person. I am no saint of course. In this process, I go all emo, bratty and rant and curse and self pity myself and hate the world. But it’s all good. May the force continue to be with me for the rest of the year for whatever life has in store for me, be it good or bad. No pain no gain I guess.

xx