Have you wondered if some things are worth fighting for?
Maybe cause I like to quantify or look ahead at whether it really is worth it.. is it worth my time and energy for it.
I'm an impatient person and I know for a fact that due to that, often, I get bored of things fast or I dont finish things I set out doing.
I would like to think that I have made slight improvements over the years.
The thing is, I can get impatient, but I can be a little bit stubborn too at times.
When there are things that I want, I will not rest until I get it. Yes, that's me.
And hence, sometimes the dilemma or the what ifs thoughts of how much sometimes should you fight for things you want or believe in?
I think for now, I'm just not gonna put too much thought into this and go with the flow. I will fight until it's ok for me not to fight anymore.
I'm going to fight but not be blinded by it too much. I think at one point, it was consuming me, that it was having a bad effect on me instead of it doing any positive good.
There should be a balance between putting in effort and resting a little to see where it is taking me.
It might kill me at the end of the day, or it might just make me the happiest person in the world for holding on and fighting for what I believe in.
May the force be with me for all the things I'm fighting for and hopefully I'll be able to look back at this post and say to myself, that whatever happens, it was well worth it.
xx
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Beach Boys - Wouldnt It Be Nice
I can't help but wonder, and I really want to ask you:
How are you really? How is life? Are you happy?
Are
you seeing someone now? Is it ok for us to see other people?
Are we ok to see other
people? Am I ok if you see other people?
What are we actually?
Friends, yes, is it only that now? Gah. This is driving me crazy, but I need to write down my thoughts, fear, insecurity, whatever have you here.
You seem to be the cool and composed one who seems not as badly affected by this than I am. But I know somehow, you do feel something. I just don't know how deep. That's the part where I feel I can't really read you.
I am an impatient person.. and I think a lot. Call it insecurity or a person who's crazy obsessive, or someone who has no chill. But I just wonder.
I should take a step back now. What we did wasn't entirely normal given that we've agreed to stay as friends without the idea of what will happen in the future. Maybe what it is now is the 'normal' up to the universe's standard.
I don't love what we have now, but it's 100000000000% better than not have anything at all. And I'm not done fighting yet.
p/s: perhaps I should nickname you my ray of unspent sunshine.
xx
How are you really? How is life? Are you happy?
What are we actually?
Friends, yes, is it only that now? Gah. This is driving me crazy, but I need to write down my thoughts, fear, insecurity, whatever have you here.
You seem to be the cool and composed one who seems not as badly affected by this than I am. But I know somehow, you do feel something. I just don't know how deep. That's the part where I feel I can't really read you.
I am an impatient person.. and I think a lot. Call it insecurity or a person who's crazy obsessive, or someone who has no chill. But I just wonder.
I should take a step back now. What we did wasn't entirely normal given that we've agreed to stay as friends without the idea of what will happen in the future. Maybe what it is now is the 'normal' up to the universe's standard.
I don't love what we have now, but it's 100000000000% better than not have anything at all. And I'm not done fighting yet.
p/s: perhaps I should nickname you my ray of unspent sunshine.
xx
Friday, March 17, 2017
Days where I miss you
It's funny how I used to need a 'source' to be able to
cry to release my sadness or my stress. (yes, that's how I deal with
sadness and stress)
Now, tears fall easily by just listening to a sad song or reading a sad poem or an article or just the things I write about here. (Y.O.U - I smile and then I cry. oh help me God.)
Dont get me wrong though. It's not totally tears of sadness. They're a mix of sadness, happiness, thankfulness.
I guess the worst so far would be on days where I'm having a really bad day and I wish I could get a hug or a kiss from you or a cuddle session to feel the warmth of your body. You're so warm and I'm always so cold that's it's uber awesome to snuggle into you, listening to your heartbeat and taking in the faint smell that you have,
Or just at nights where I lay on my bed in the dark listening to beautiful music and then I think of you and realized that I miss you a lot. It's weird cause we actually didn't spent much time together really, but I just find that I miss you a whole LOT sometimes.But then I'll think to myself, who am I or who are you to make me feel this way?
It's a first really. To be able to meet someone so good .. but it's not meant to be in the way you want it to be. There's a constant battle between holding on to this small strand of hope, giving up and not think too much to this and letting go, and the worse part, to be somewhere in the middle of the two ends where you're indecisive and confused to go either way.
I guess I should live in the moment and not dwell so much in the past and the future and see where things go.
xx
Now, tears fall easily by just listening to a sad song or reading a sad poem or an article or just the things I write about here. (Y.O.U - I smile and then I cry. oh help me God.)
Dont get me wrong though. It's not totally tears of sadness. They're a mix of sadness, happiness, thankfulness.
I guess the worst so far would be on days where I'm having a really bad day and I wish I could get a hug or a kiss from you or a cuddle session to feel the warmth of your body. You're so warm and I'm always so cold that's it's uber awesome to snuggle into you, listening to your heartbeat and taking in the faint smell that you have,
Or just at nights where I lay on my bed in the dark listening to beautiful music and then I think of you and realized that I miss you a lot. It's weird cause we actually didn't spent much time together really, but I just find that I miss you a whole LOT sometimes.But then I'll think to myself, who am I or who are you to make me feel this way?
It's a first really. To be able to meet someone so good .. but it's not meant to be in the way you want it to be. There's a constant battle between holding on to this small strand of hope, giving up and not think too much to this and letting go, and the worse part, to be somewhere in the middle of the two ends where you're indecisive and confused to go either way.
I guess I should live in the moment and not dwell so much in the past and the future and see where things go.
xx
Chill Pill
We're good right?
I hope and think we are.
Maybe cause this is the first time. I don't know what to do next nor how to be cool and chill with this to know that it's ok and that it's enough without losing it.
xx
I hope and think we are.
Maybe cause this is the first time. I don't know what to do next nor how to be cool and chill with this to know that it's ok and that it's enough without losing it.
xx
- the magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end- Benjamin Disraeli
Epik High- Eternal Mourning lyrics:
love.
it's push and shove
giving and giving in, giving up
give, give, give, but nothing's given
sinnin' to feel heaven
just for the hell of it
contradictions, constant attraction
distraction
love: life hiding behind contraception
deception, a radio without reception
miscommunication and misconception
conception of a life too early for light
but just ripe for death
the depth of eyes
windows to souls shattered into tears
too cold to hold in my hands
plans, man, woman
love: the distance between me and you
measured by lies and truths
probable cause for hate, fate and destiny
insatiable thirst for the free
wake up to eternal morning.
Epik High- Eternal Mourning lyrics:
love.
it's push and shove
giving and giving in, giving up
give, give, give, but nothing's given
sinnin' to feel heaven
just for the hell of it
contradictions, constant attraction
distraction
love: life hiding behind contraception
deception, a radio without reception
miscommunication and misconception
conception of a life too early for light
but just ripe for death
the depth of eyes
windows to souls shattered into tears
too cold to hold in my hands
plans, man, woman
love: the distance between me and you
measured by lies and truths
probable cause for hate, fate and destiny
insatiable thirst for the free
wake up to eternal morning.
Friday, February 3, 2017
Jumbled Mess
We're in the second month for 2017. Five months to go soon for my pupillage and also 5 more months for me to observe, absorb and consider if this is really what I want and is this something that I am passionate about and also something that I will be good at.
To be very honest I dont know if the answer is a yes to all of the contemplation. There are some days I doubt myself if this is something I want and some days I dont and I tell myself I have so much more to learn and it's to early to give up now. And I want to learn and experience more.
Hopefully I will have a clearer picture to this as time passes.
In terms of other aspects in life, adjusting to my new found freedom and also responsibilities at home.
Adulting game is on.
It's my life and I am working hard to achieve my dream and aspirations. So much of these and so little time and money and energy at times.
But, all these are what keep us moving forward. Doing something new for the first time everyday. Feeling shitty at times and demotivated when faced with challenges. Feeling blessed however that you manage to get to where you are today.
My fav questions to reflect at the end of each day:
(1) When was the last time you did something for the first time;
(2) If I were to die today/tomorrow, would I regret all that's happened to me?
(3) (On bad days) Can I just give up and not see tomorrow? (not a suicidal thought), but then the inner self would respond: but I can't die tomorrow. There's still a lot of things that I have not seen, do, experience and listen to.
So, don't worry there. I am of the view that suicide is an easy way out and does not provide for a solution at all. And you'll just leave a mess for the living to clean up. And you'll not be able to rest in peace if you think that suicide is a solution for it doesn't solve anything. Everything happens for a reason and each person has their own battle to fight to make them become a better version of themselves.
My heads' a bit of a mess and alternates between doubt and certainty. Feeling confident and demotivated. Being hopeful and realistic at the same time. I'm a ball of contradiction at times. But I believe things will be clearer as you face one thing at a time.
Cheers.xx
To be very honest I dont know if the answer is a yes to all of the contemplation. There are some days I doubt myself if this is something I want and some days I dont and I tell myself I have so much more to learn and it's to early to give up now. And I want to learn and experience more.
Hopefully I will have a clearer picture to this as time passes.
In terms of other aspects in life, adjusting to my new found freedom and also responsibilities at home.
Adulting game is on.
It's my life and I am working hard to achieve my dream and aspirations. So much of these and so little time and money and energy at times.
But, all these are what keep us moving forward. Doing something new for the first time everyday. Feeling shitty at times and demotivated when faced with challenges. Feeling blessed however that you manage to get to where you are today.
My fav questions to reflect at the end of each day:
(1) When was the last time you did something for the first time;
(2) If I were to die today/tomorrow, would I regret all that's happened to me?
(3) (On bad days) Can I just give up and not see tomorrow? (not a suicidal thought), but then the inner self would respond: but I can't die tomorrow. There's still a lot of things that I have not seen, do, experience and listen to.
So, don't worry there. I am of the view that suicide is an easy way out and does not provide for a solution at all. And you'll just leave a mess for the living to clean up. And you'll not be able to rest in peace if you think that suicide is a solution for it doesn't solve anything. Everything happens for a reason and each person has their own battle to fight to make them become a better version of themselves.
My heads' a bit of a mess and alternates between doubt and certainty. Feeling confident and demotivated. Being hopeful and realistic at the same time. I'm a ball of contradiction at times. But I believe things will be clearer as you face one thing at a time.
Cheers.xx
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Y.O.U
I like how we are able to change from one topic to another topic in a second
I like how we look at each other, not say anything and just nod to each other
I like how when you suddenly thought of something in your mind and give that little laugh you have
I like how you are so happy and positive
I like how you are so rational and calm, that discreet manliness
I like how you get excited at the little things
I like how you don't realize the little things you do that is a bit weird
I like how you can be so flexible with your plans but is not totally clueless
I like how you are actually kinda an OCD person but keep denying you arent
I like how you're so terrified of insects and the humidity in Asia
I like how, sometimes you don't care what people think of you
I like how you sleep without knowing that you actually snore pretty loud
I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it (quoting the 1975)
I like how when you wake up and the first thing you do is say 'Hi' in a way I cant imitate but love
I just like the way you say 'Hi' to me. In a cute and a little bit awkward manner
I like how you're so accepting and open minded
I like your passion and intelligence
I like it how you are so well read but am not afraid to admit it when you dont know something
I like how you freaked out when your face gained weight instead of the rest of your body
I like how you were really shocked when I told you honestly that you need a new pair of glasses (the expression on your face was priceless)
I like it how you don't want to look shabby in front of me
I like it how passionate you are about the things you like and how much of a shopaholic you actually are
I like it how you respect me and let me take my time with things I'm inexperienced with
I like your willingness to teach me and layan (answer) me on weird random questions
I like it how when you send me snaps, towards the end of the snap, I get to see your face even if it's merely 2-3 seconds
Most importantly,
I like you ....
and I have a photographic memory on things I want to remember and hence the ability to write all this down... and hoping that my brain did not play a trick on me remembering back on these things.
I like how we look at each other, not say anything and just nod to each other
I like how when you suddenly thought of something in your mind and give that little laugh you have
I like how you are so happy and positive
I like how you are so rational and calm, that discreet manliness
I like how you get excited at the little things
I like how you don't realize the little things you do that is a bit weird
I like how you can be so flexible with your plans but is not totally clueless
I like how you are actually kinda an OCD person but keep denying you arent
I like how you're so terrified of insects and the humidity in Asia
I like how, sometimes you don't care what people think of you
I like how you sleep without knowing that you actually snore pretty loud
I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it (quoting the 1975)
I like how when you wake up and the first thing you do is say 'Hi' in a way I cant imitate but love
I just like the way you say 'Hi' to me. In a cute and a little bit awkward manner
I like how you're so accepting and open minded
I like your passion and intelligence
I like it how you are so well read but am not afraid to admit it when you dont know something
I like how you freaked out when your face gained weight instead of the rest of your body
I like how you were really shocked when I told you honestly that you need a new pair of glasses (the expression on your face was priceless)
I like it how you don't want to look shabby in front of me
I like it how passionate you are about the things you like and how much of a shopaholic you actually are
I like it how you respect me and let me take my time with things I'm inexperienced with
I like your willingness to teach me and layan (answer) me on weird random questions
I like it how when you send me snaps, towards the end of the snap, I get to see your face even if it's merely 2-3 seconds
Most importantly,
I like you ....
and I have a photographic memory on things I want to remember and hence the ability to write all this down... and hoping that my brain did not play a trick on me remembering back on these things.
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