I guess the transition from being a pupil where there is an invisible shield up to a certain extent of you not knowing things or screwing up things is coming to and end and the real slap in the face (for me) that I'm very much close to being an associate is REALLY happening.
Last week, the pressure and fear got me. I felt like I was drowning and overwhelmed and helpless all at the same time. I got back home feeling so exhausted mentally that I fell into a deep sleep that night that I woke up in amazement that that happened. But that deep sleep really help me ease my mind. I woke up the next day with renewed optimism and strength to face the issues I was supposed to tackle.
You see, it's not the fear that I'll look stupid that keeps me from asking from help. But rather, I want to try to solve things or think of a solution first before asking for help. My inner voice tells me: "Look Jo, you got this. Think. Use your brain. You're soon to be a lawyer now. What would and could one do to solve this solution? What is your evidence or reason to back up your move? And if the client or the boss ask you questions, would you be able to answer it. Have you considered it in all angles that you possibly could?"
And the thing that keeps me going is that when I found a solution, I consulted my boss/ colleagues, and the satisfaction of getting it right or approval, is something indescribable. I guess that's what that makes me enjoy this still. And wanting and trying to better myself.
AND note to self: PLEASE be less blur and check your work ten thousand times before sending something out. There are no rooms or excuses for stupid elementary mistakes CJA.