Last Saturday was the first class for all CLP resitters revision class.A lot of people didnt turn up.But I do get to see who didn't make it through the exam and will be taking them with me the second time around.Both my homies didnt come to class. And I felt a little bit lonely.I dont mind sitting alone or what not,it's just I get the feeling that I am really really doing this alone this time around.Like the feeling is just different compared to earlier this year where I know at least like me,Yik Yee,stand and all are 'in this together'. Like I know who to find and talk to from time to time who gets me and is my support system.But this time around,it feels different.I dont know how to explain it,but it just doesnt.Maybe it's something where you need to go through to be able to understand this feeling.
I would be lying if I say I do not care what people think of me when they saw/recognize me and see that I had failed my CLP. I do admit that my pride/ ego was affected.I do care what people think of me.I wonder if they think : OMG,i thought she is a bright student and she failed, or some may think the other way around like Hah,I knew she wouldnt get through it. Yeah,I know I shouldnt give a damn as to what they think of me,but I just can't help myself at times.And I do know that at times ,it is better to be humble than let my pride get the better of me.So yeah,I hope I will be able to swallow / extinguish some of my pride/ego.
I arrived for class early and certain classmates we talking quite loudly and I can't help but hear their conversations.An uncle who decided to take CLP as a 2 year program has started to study full swing - i.e. seriously now already and is telling another girl that she too should do so. The girl responded by saying she is studying almost daily. Hearing this, I thought to myself : "oh shit, I am sooo on a different (and not really in a good way) level with them. I'm still trying to find a job and whatnot. And it seemed like some of them are still doing this full time.And then it just click,on what one of my interviewer mentioned that I am indeed taking a risk on this this time around.
But I have chosen to go down this road.So,I shall do this.I did think at times after I was being rejected after a job interview that what if I dont get a job? should i just give up now? maybe I just am not good enough for this..Should i just stop looking for a job and just focus on my studies? My heart was contemplating over this again,but my mind said : No.You do not give up Jo.You are known on many occasion to just finish something half way because you got impatient and fed up with it.Or sometimes,you are just all talk/dreaming and not action. So,you do not just give up like that.You will see through this to the end.
Also,my friends really gave me the confidence and support me in this,which I am eternally grateful and hence I will get through this.Fingers crossed that I will be able to write some good news here soon!
-with lots of love,peace out-