Sunday, September 21, 2014

I need a moment.

Hello again.. I actually have some posts which I intent to post before this,but decided that I wanna edit some of it. So I shalll just give a current updates of what's happening now first.

THE BIGGEST CONCERN AND THING THAT I AM STRESSED OUT FOR THE PAST 9 MONTHS OR SO (IN A WAY) HAS COME TO AN END . I failed my CLP. Yeah. I'm in shock. Not to say that I'm confident that I'll pass.But truth be told, there is a slight flicker of hope you know.(?)

Results came out about an hour ago.I didnt know that I could check my personal result already, I thought one can only check by viewing the list of person who has passed the exam and so i checked the list first. My heart dropped when I did not see my name there while i saw the names of my friends there. Looks like the fear that I feared came true.

To be honest,I'm not utterly sad over the fact that I failed,I dont know.There's so much mixture of emotions now that I feel numb with the occasional involuntary flow of tears.Though, I mean I did honestly prepare myself for that as in I didnt know what to expect the night before the results were out.But its just that,now when reality hits,I think about the people I've disappointed and that the fear I've feared before.-facing people.

It's been a long time since I've experienced this kinda of failure not that I am fond of experiencing it nor do I always experience it.How do i put it,I guess this is one of the lowest point in my life that I've experienced so far,you know?

I know there is no one to be blamed but for myself. I let my nerves overtake me during the exams,and I forgot a lot of things,I studied hard but maybe not smart enough. The slow realization that I have to study all 5 subjects again and the fear of what if I dont pass the second time around is slowly creeping into my mind and makes me feel terrified and this sudden grip of fear and panic takes over my heart. I think I am thinking too many thing at once now.

But,I know this is not the end.I will not give up.This is just a slight diversion of plan A,and I will proceed with a plan B. I need sometime to reorganize my thoughts and give myself a moment to grief and self pity myself.And then I need to get back on my feet again though I know that from time to time,I will emo and go back to self pity mode,please bear with me if i do so people,and if i'm going overboard,please feel free to put me back in my place.

I am thankful and very grateful for all the support and help that was given to be through the course and hence I will not give up and try to stay strong and preserve on.

-with lots of love,peace out-

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