I'm fine

I'm not depressed. I can still smile at pretty things, and laugh when jokes are funny.
I can still talk to people and enjoy nice days.
But when I go inside, when I am alone,
There is something broken.
And I fall into a sadness so sweet, that it engulfs me.
I look into the mirror and I don't like what I see.
And the tears always fall
When I'm falling asleep, and I miss something that doesnt exist.

I am not depressed.
I've just been sad for a while.
But I can still find the light.
I can still smile.

________________________________________________________

I still have my rays of unspent sunshine which I draw up in times of darkness

________________________________________________________

You never get over it.
But you get to where it doesn't bother you too much.

________________________________________________________

A new chapter

After 8 years (from A-levels till pupillage), I am finally a lawyer in Malaysia. It's surreal. It feels as if it's only yesterday where I was this innocent young kid starting college didn't really know what she had sign herself for.

I think everyone close around me knows I get excited for events. I don't know how to describe it. I guess I feel that moments like these happens only once in your life. So, your mind being the recorder of your life, should savour and live in such moments.

(muka tebal part) I look pretty and so professional in court attire with the robe and high court collar. I was shocked myself. HAHAHAHA. Arrived super early for my long call. And got stressed out about it because my mover was late and everyone just keep coming up to me to ask where my mover was. And then asked me if I have my speech with me. It was then I realized, oh shit. Should have insisted on the final version soft copy. And hence, my turn from no.8 got moved to No.10 (the last one for the day).

I guess in a way it was a blessing in disguise as well because, Azrin, Michelle, Louis, Yik Yee, See Wei made it on time to hear my speech. I was so excited and happy to see them. I dont know if other pupils sitting at the side made contact with their friends at the audience sitting area, but I did. Haha.

Hearing all the speeches of the other pupils before me got me emotional and made me feel like crying. I was thinking to myself inside (and not saying out loud for people might think I am crazy) : This is it guys!!!!! We made it!!! Like whaaaatttttttt. Wohooooooo. Hahaha. Yes. I get excited people. And I was just savouring every moment of it. 

As my turn got closer, I became surprisingly nervous. Hahaha. The heart started beating faster and the palms got sweaty. I was worried that I might screw up something. I was the girl wearing the highest heel there as well. 

As I stood at my designated spot, and my mover begin reading out my speech. A mixture of feeling proud, 'oh shit, this is really happening' and  just happy swept in. I try to look for my family and friends when they were addressed in my speech. And love the part where my mover, Siu Lin read: the Petitioner would like to thank her friends, Azrin, (saw her going awwwww), Li Ying, Michelle Chong, Sweet Yin, Mei Wee, Yik Yee, Cheng Wei and Jon, and she then added : the Petitioner just have a lot of friends" to which a few people and I laughed. Haha. And was surprised and nodding to myself as I hear my finalized speech for the first time. Hahahaa.

And I like my speech. I felt like it was one of the best (second muka tebal moment here). And I love the flowers I got! Thanks to Vivian and Kenny and my salmonellas and Mei Wee for getting me flowers. And my sstwo for getting me a pen and also having dinner with me. 27 October 2017. Truly a day in history that is embedded in my mind for life.

Also, I think it was a day before I met Jon a year ago! Can't believe it has been a year since we met and got to know each other! Time flies so fast! It's surprising because I thought I would never get over it, but I can live with what we are now. I dont want to think/hope too much into it anymore. The current thought is just, if it's meant to be, it will be. Of course though, I'll work hard and try to go US in the near future ans hope that he'll visit Asia again soon too. So yea :)

-xx

Back to life

And I am back to work after my pupillage break.

How was my holiday? It started off with me still having to work a little and being busy with my pupillage documents filling but it ended off beautifully.

Went for a cheap but super #yolo and full of random experiences trip with Ms. Sweet. I was initially feeling nervous going on this trip as the days drew nearer to it cause it was the first time I'll be traveling with Ms.Sweet alone. Just the two of us. She's my oldest friend, but never have I hung out with her for more than 36 hours I think, what more traveling with her.

It turns out that we are compatible travel partners! I'm so thankful of that. And I got to know her a lot more during this trip. With our rooftop breakfast talks, bus ride talks and also pillow talks, I am glad that I was able to learn more about my old friend. It's not that I didn't know her, but given the fact that she was studying overseas and started off work first, and then started to work overseas, meant that, I still know her, just I didnt know her well after living on different environment over the years. I would say I didnt know how she changed to become the person she is today. And I guess, she got to know the changed version of me a bit more too.

It was a perfect balance of doing nature and the beach for this holiday. That if I could, I want to have more of this kind of holiday in the future! I realized that perhaps I'm more of a nature/city person compared to a beach person. Beach getaways are confined only for pure relaxation/being totally lazy/honeymoon type of holiday.

Plus, for the second time, I get to walk around and spend a couple of hours in a foreign country by myself. The first time was in Korea last year where MQ's leg was giving up on her and I went around on my own and met up with Joey for a meal. This time it was cause Ms. Sweet had an earlier flight back home and hence.being alone. It was totally fun in me pampering myself and challenging myself to make decisive decision of what I want, not to look stupid and trying to be comfortable just hanging out with myself or socializing with random strangers.

Experienced a full body massage for mani and pedi (this was disappointing) for the first time! Mmmm, I could get use to more of these kind of pampering in the future I would say. So all in all, it was a super nice holiday. It's not always one get to travel with plane-buses (local and touristy ones)-boat-motorbike-vans and card in a span of 6 days. Hahahahaa.

Also! Am looking forward to my long call. As I was reminiscing my career journey, I realized it took me 8 years to finally be able to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. To finally officially be a lawyer with all the valid education and practicing license/certificate to it. 8 freaking years. I took my own time in getting here. I definitely did sweat blood and tears and fats for this. No regrets whatsoever though. The experiences and people that I've come to know along the way is something I wouldnt trade over.

May the force be with me to provide me with enough strength and intelligence to move forward in terms of all departments of my life.

xx

Nearing the end of another chapter now

I have 15 working days left before my 9 months of pupillage comes to an end!  It's surreal!

It feels just like a month ago that I started the dreaded 9 months (without any official leave entitlements whatsoever) training, feeling scared and nervous as to what lies ahead of me. Certain months were bad as I discovered the firm where I was reading my pupillage at is not as it seems.

I did however decide to stay on, for the better purpose for my resume. The targeted expiry date: December 2017 or perhaps by May 2018. Because I am planning to save as much money as possible for #SF2018 or #uk2018. Sigh. The plan is upon leaving, I would take a personal leave of 1 month or more to travel and then start anew at another place (fingers crossed!)

Towards the end of this 9 months, I am really feeling the effects of burning out. You just feel so exhausted and can't wait where you finally get a break. I do not really mind not going anywhere to relax (though of course, if given the option that would be the best!). I just want to wake up late without having to worry about work or obsessively checking my emails throughout the day.

About 2 weeks back or so, I realized that I need to learn to draw the line of switching off work after certain hours and on days where I am legally and officially entitled to not work  (certain exceptions are applicable of course). As advised by J.Pwu who was told by his wise colleague :

"Our will will never be done, and it will be here in the morning when we come back. Go home and rest."

And another interesting analogy which I did not think of before: " And as much as you may think you can't miss a day, it's like the oxygen mask analogy: you need to take care of yourself before you take care of others."

The past 8.5 months have been such a journey. I made new friends, met new people, discovered things about myself, experienced stress on another level and of different type (the fear that you'll screw things up cause it's all on you now), cried, laughed, be annoyed and had to act bimbo on certain stuff, and all in all, it was a fun experience. I was thinking to myself (which I always do) - had I not choosen to accept this pupillage offer (which I almost did), would I be able to cross path with the people that I've come to know the past months? Do I have regrets of not staying on at Wong?

I do not know the answer to the first questions. It could be a 50:50 thing. Well, getting to know my colleagues like how I would know them now perhaps is not possible, but the people that I've met outside work, I wonder... 

Are there regrets of not accepting pupillage at Wong, and getting to learn IP stuff which might or might not make it easier for me to apply to an in-house MNC in the future? There isn't much of a regret to it really I guess.

And I am of course forever thankful of getting the chance to meet everyone (colleagues, legal aid group, my ray of unspent sunshine, random people during my pupillage) and to have my favourite people in the worldTM to support me and hear me rant and assure me of my insecurities are normal and that I am better than I think I am and to have more confidence in it.

Fingers crossed that I am able to have an awesome holiday (with enough money, sigh), my loved ones will be able to attend my long call, that all my papers and whatnot will be in order, I get pretty flowers and monetary contributions and awesome gifts,  and that hopefully what I wish for the end of the year or for next yearwill happen as well.

xx

Well worth it

I was reading an article on how the younger generation date or define their romantic relationship these days. And damn, we're kinda fucked up compared to the olden days where things seemed so much more straight forward and honest.

In each individual being interviewed for the article, the last question that were asked was : "What is your definition of real love?" And I find myself pondering about it too. To me, I have not love a man before. I really liked someone right now. But I wouldn't say that I know him well enough to love him. And to be honest, I don't even know what it means, it takes or seem to be loving someone. The person that I really like right now, seems to be really different from my previous likes. (Haha). How do I put it, he makes me want to learn more from him, I'm thankful of him being patient with me, I try to compromise on things and I sure as hell am fighting for us. Is it love though? I really can't answer this.

There are days of course where expectation seemed so far from reality that I wonder if the feeling have changed. That he no longer likes me now. He's just fond of me. That's that.

So what does real love means to me?
To me, real love would be a conscious and subconscious realization that you care a lot about that person. That you want nothing but the best for them and that you will fight for that person, you will fight for your relationship with them no matter how much of an uphill battle it seemed or will be. You will fight until perhaps there comes a day when you finally get too tired and wake up with the thought and feeling, where your heart and your mind is in tandem that you don't want to do it anymore. That you are done. No hard feelings, but you just don't want to and you are fine giving up on the love/care/effort that you have been putting into the relationship. That it's ok to not fight anymore and you know that the person will always have a special place in your heart.

Real love have to be an effort contributed by you and your significant other. Neither one of you can do it alone. Real love is timing, maturity, trust, hard work, compromise, having an open mind and also not forgetting having a whole lot of fun at the same time. That you share the same wave length on things in life. Having that 'settled' feeling that you would not want to be in an adventure with any other person other that the person that pops into your mind right now reading this, that you could never thank the stars enough for giving you the chance to meet this person and having and discovering that person feel the same mutual magical feeling that you feel for him too.

If the timing and feelings right, take that risk. Go crazy. There might be some hiccups here and there, but if it's meant to be, it will be well worth it I am sure.

xx.

I got this (I hope)

I guess the transition from being a pupil where there is an invisible shield up to a certain extent of you not knowing things or screwing up things is coming to and end and the real slap in the face (for me) that I'm very much close to being an associate is REALLY happening.

Last week, the pressure and fear got me. I felt like I was drowning and overwhelmed and helpless all at the same time. I got back home feeling so exhausted mentally that I fell into a deep sleep that night that I woke up in amazement that that happened. But that deep sleep really help me ease my mind. I woke up the next day with renewed optimism and strength to face the issues I was supposed to tackle.

You see, it's not the fear that I'll look stupid that keeps me from asking from help. But rather, I want to try to solve things or think of a solution first before asking for help. My inner voice tells me: "Look Jo, you got this. Think. Use your brain. You're soon to be a lawyer now. What would and could one do to solve this solution? What is your evidence or reason to back up your move? And if the client or the boss ask you questions, would you be able to answer it. Have you considered it in all angles that you possibly could?"

And the thing that keeps me going is that when I found a solution, I consulted my boss/ colleagues, and the satisfaction of getting it right or approval, is something indescribable. I guess that's what that makes me enjoy this still. And wanting and trying to better myself.

AND note to self: PLEASE be less blur and check your work ten thousand times before sending something out. There are no rooms or excuses for stupid elementary mistakes CJA.

I'm 2 more months away from finishing my pupillage! I cannot believe that this is happening! Like when I first started, 9 months seems like such a long way to go. It's 3/4 of a year of doing your pupillage! That feels almost forever with the fact that one is not entitled to any leave. Though of course... I manage to have some. ;)

I just finished watching the last episode to Season 6 of Suits. The moment where Mike got admitted to the New York Bar.. the look of shock that it is really happening. I love that moment. And as cliche as it sounds, it made me realized that I am really passionate (?) about what I am doing. I cant wait until the day I get called to the Bar. I know I get a bit too excited about things like that. Some people feel it's just another milestone in one's life. Nothing big to celebrate or shout about. Some even don't look forward to it, feeling that it's such a hassle and can't wait to get it over with.  But to me, it's more of taking in the moment and appreciating it as something that you would only experience once at the age you were living at. Like graduating with a degree. Yes, you might go and and have a Masters later on, but it's just not the same. Like all the years of studying and what not, finally comes down to the moment on your graduation day! One should totally celebrate it ! ... unless you have a valid reason not to.

So, I can't wait and am really looking forward to the day I officially get admitted to the Court of Malaysia as an advocate and solicitor. The blood, sweat, tears and time that I have been putting in for the past 8 years all comes down to this. So is it a big deal to me? being the person that I am, HELL YEAH it is! Trust me to be all excited and announcing to the whole world about this. Hahahaa.

I don't know if I am really cut out for what I am currently doing, corporate law. Do I really fit in? I question myself from time to time on this. I know I am not stupid and actually kinda do have the brains for it. But I know, sometimes, although you have the brains, the commitment to work hard, the interest and the passion, if you don't have the strength and the character for it, if it's not meant for you. You can't force it. So, in times of self-doubt, these thoughts come into my head. I know I am still very young and there is a lot more experience that need to be gained here, but I just like to cut my losses early at times. (so Asian, I know)

But every now and then, when I get to see the end of something or manage to solve a problem that I am facing. I feel a great sense of satisfaction, the thrill of adrenaline and so very happy that I'll do a mini celebratory dance. Hahaha. I'm crazy, I know. And that made me realized, that I love what I do. Yes, I complain, whine, bitch, get annoyed, frustrated and super stress and scared about what I do. But, sometimes, I can't help but think that it was totally worth it and so thankful for the experience. And hey, whatever that doesnt kill you, only makes you stronger!

BUT .... I do want to try out different things too. And if I have the chance for a change in career, why not you know... or being to do something at the side. We shall see where this goes.

xx

And so you fight

Have you wondered if some things are worth fighting for?
Maybe cause I like to quantify or look ahead at whether it really is worth it.. is it worth my time and energy for it.
I'm an impatient person and I know for a fact that due to that, often, I get bored of things fast or I dont finish things I set out doing.
I would like to think that I have made slight improvements over the years.
The thing is, I can get impatient, but I can be a little bit stubborn too at times.
When there are things that I want, I will not rest until I get it. Yes, that's me.
And hence, sometimes the dilemma or the what ifs thoughts of how much sometimes should you fight for things you want or believe in?

I think for now, I'm just not gonna put too much thought into this and go with the flow. I will fight until it's ok for me not to fight anymore.
I'm going to fight but not be blinded by it too much. I think at one point, it was consuming me, that it was having a bad effect on me instead of it doing any positive good.
There should be a balance between putting in effort and resting a little to see where it is taking me.
It might kill me at the end of the day, or it might just make me the happiest person in the world for holding on and fighting for what I believe in.

May the force be with me for all the things I'm fighting for and hopefully I'll be able to look back at this post and say to myself, that whatever happens, it was well worth it.



xx

Beach Boys - Wouldnt It Be Nice

I can't help but wonder, and I really want to ask you:

How are you really? How is life? Are you happy?


 Are you seeing someone now? Is it ok for us to see other people?


Are we ok to see other people? Am I ok if you see other people?

What are we actually?

Friends, yes, is it only that now? Gah. This is driving me crazy, but I need to write down my thoughts, fear, insecurity, whatever have you here.

You seem to be the cool and composed one who seems not as badly affected by this than I am. But I know somehow, you do feel something. I just don't know how deep. That's the part where I feel I can't really read you.

I am an impatient person.. and I think a lot. Call it insecurity or a person who's crazy obsessive, or someone who has no chill. But I just wonder.

I should take a step back now. What we did wasn't entirely normal given that we've agreed to stay as friends without the idea of what will happen in the future.  Maybe what it is now is the 'normal' up to the universe's standard.

I don't love what we have now, but it's 100000000000% better than not have anything at all. And I'm not done fighting yet.

p/s: perhaps I should nickname you my ray of unspent sunshine.

xx

Days where I miss you

It's funny how I used to need a 'source' to be able to cry to release my sadness or my stress. (yes, that's how I deal with sadness and stress)
Now, tears fall easily by just listening to a sad song or reading a sad poem or an article or just the things I write about here. (Y.O.U - I smile and then I cry. oh help me God.)

Dont get me wrong though. It's not totally tears of sadness. They're a mix of sadness, happiness, thankfulness.

I guess the worst so far would be on days where I'm having a really bad day and I wish I could get a hug or a kiss from you or a cuddle session to feel the warmth of your body. You're so warm and I'm always so cold that's it's uber awesome to snuggle into you, listening to your heartbeat and taking in the faint smell that you have,

Or just at nights where I lay on my bed in the dark listening to beautiful music and then I think of you and realized that I miss you a lot. It's weird cause we actually didn't spent much time together really, but I just find that I miss you a whole LOT sometimes.But then I'll think to myself, who am I or who are you to make me feel this way?

It's a first really. To be able to meet someone so good .. but it's not meant to be in the way you want it to be. There's a constant battle between holding on to this small strand of hope, giving up and not think too much to this and letting go, and the worse part, to be somewhere in the middle of the two ends where you're indecisive and confused to go either way.

I guess I should live in the moment and not dwell so much in the past and the future and see where things go.


xx

Chill Pill

We're good right?

I hope and think we are.

Maybe cause this is the first time. I don't know what to do next nor how to be cool and chill with this to know that it's ok and that it's enough without losing it.



xx

- the magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end- Benjamin Disraeli

Epik High- Eternal Mourning lyrics:
love.
it's push and shove
giving and giving in, giving up
give, give, give, but nothing's given
sinnin' to feel heaven
just for the hell of it
contradictions, constant attraction
distraction
love: life hiding behind contraception
deception, a radio without reception
miscommunication and misconception
conception of a life too early for light
but just ripe for death
the depth of eyes
windows to souls shattered into tears
too cold to hold in my hands
plans, man, woman
love: the distance between me and you
measured by lies and truths
probable cause for hate, fate and destiny
insatiable thirst for the free
wake up to eternal morning.

Jumbled Mess

We're in the second month for 2017. Five months to go soon for my pupillage and also 5 more months for me to observe, absorb and consider if this is really what I want and is this something that I am passionate about and also something that I will be good at.

To be very honest I dont know if the answer is a yes to all of the contemplation. There are some days I doubt myself if this is something I want and some days I dont and I tell myself I have so much more to learn and it's to early to give up now. And I want to learn and experience more.

Hopefully I will have a clearer picture to this as time passes.

In terms of other aspects in life, adjusting to my new found freedom and also responsibilities at home.

Adulting game is on.

It's my life and I am working hard to achieve my dream and aspirations. So much of these and so little time and money and energy at times.

But, all these are what keep us moving forward. Doing something new for the first time everyday. Feeling shitty at times and demotivated when faced with challenges. Feeling blessed however that you manage to get to where you are today.

My fav questions to reflect at the end of each day:
(1) When was the last time you did something for the first time;
(2) If I were to die today/tomorrow, would I regret all that's happened to me?
(3) (On bad days) Can I just give up and not see tomorrow? (not a suicidal thought), but then the inner self would respond: but I can't die tomorrow. There's still a lot of things that I have not seen, do, experience and listen to.

So, don't worry there. I am of the view that suicide is an easy way out and does not provide for a solution at all. And you'll just leave a mess for the living to clean up. And you'll not be able to rest in peace if you think that suicide is a solution for it doesn't solve anything. Everything happens for a reason and each person has their own battle to fight to make them become a better version of themselves.

My heads' a bit of a mess and alternates between doubt and certainty. Feeling confident and demotivated. Being hopeful and realistic at the same time. I'm a ball of contradiction at times. But I believe things will be clearer as you face one thing at a time.

Cheers.xx

Y.O.U

I like how we are able to change from one topic to another topic in a second
I like how we look at each other, not say anything and just nod to each other
I like how when you suddenly thought of something in your mind and give that little laugh you have
I like how you are so happy and positive
I like how you are so rational and calm, that discreet manliness
I like how you get excited at the little things
I like how you don't realize the little things you do that is a bit weird
I like how you can be so flexible with your plans but is not totally clueless
I like how you are actually kinda an OCD person but keep denying you arent
I like how you're so terrified of insects and the humidity in Asia
I like how, sometimes you don't care what people think of you
I like how you sleep without knowing that you actually snore pretty loud
I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it (quoting the 1975)
I like how when you wake up and the first thing you do is say 'Hi' in a way I cant imitate but love
I just like the way you say 'Hi' to me. In a cute and a little bit awkward manner
I like how you're so accepting and open minded
I like your passion and intelligence
I like it how you are so well read but am not afraid to admit it when you dont know something
I like how you freaked out when your face gained weight instead of the rest of your body
I like how you were really shocked when I told you honestly that you need a new pair of glasses (the expression on your face was priceless)
I like it how you don't want to look shabby in front of me
I like it how passionate you are about the things you like and how much of a shopaholic you actually are
I like it how you respect me and let me take my time with things I'm inexperienced with
I like your willingness to teach me and layan (answer) me on weird random questions
I like it how when you send me snaps, towards the end of the snap, I get to see your face even if it's merely 2-3 seconds

Most importantly,
I like you ....






and I have a photographic memory on things I want to remember and hence the ability to write all this down... and hoping that my brain did not play a trick on me remembering back on these things.