Jumbled Mess

We're in the second month for 2017. Five months to go soon for my pupillage and also 5 more months for me to observe, absorb and consider if this is really what I want and is this something that I am passionate about and also something that I will be good at.

To be very honest I dont know if the answer is a yes to all of the contemplation. There are some days I doubt myself if this is something I want and some days I dont and I tell myself I have so much more to learn and it's to early to give up now. And I want to learn and experience more.

Hopefully I will have a clearer picture to this as time passes.

In terms of other aspects in life, adjusting to my new found freedom and also responsibilities at home.

Adulting game is on.

It's my life and I am working hard to achieve my dream and aspirations. So much of these and so little time and money and energy at times.

But, all these are what keep us moving forward. Doing something new for the first time everyday. Feeling shitty at times and demotivated when faced with challenges. Feeling blessed however that you manage to get to where you are today.

My fav questions to reflect at the end of each day:
(1) When was the last time you did something for the first time;
(2) If I were to die today/tomorrow, would I regret all that's happened to me?
(3) (On bad days) Can I just give up and not see tomorrow? (not a suicidal thought), but then the inner self would respond: but I can't die tomorrow. There's still a lot of things that I have not seen, do, experience and listen to.

So, don't worry there. I am of the view that suicide is an easy way out and does not provide for a solution at all. And you'll just leave a mess for the living to clean up. And you'll not be able to rest in peace if you think that suicide is a solution for it doesn't solve anything. Everything happens for a reason and each person has their own battle to fight to make them become a better version of themselves.

My heads' a bit of a mess and alternates between doubt and certainty. Feeling confident and demotivated. Being hopeful and realistic at the same time. I'm a ball of contradiction at times. But I believe things will be clearer as you face one thing at a time.

Cheers.xx