It's been another 8 months since I posted something here. I would say this is something like an electronic diary. It's weird that I like reading a physical book but prefer keeping an electronic diary to read back on the things I decided to extract from my memory and put it into words.
There's more or less 45 days left to 2016. How has 2016 been for me? It's a year where I have the most mind-fucked moments in my life so far. Forgive me for the lack of a more sophisticated choice of word. But it just describes things accurately. I was mind-fucked in both good and bad ways. A lot of tears of happiness and sadness were shed.
It started out in with my career progression, it took me 10 months to finally find a place for pupillage. The one position in one firm that I always wanted presented me with an opportunity to stay at an unexpected time, I had no hope left for it. I was happy that finally the chance I was hoping for was offered to me, but at the same time, I was feeling skeptical. Why now? Why this specific department? But then, no matter what the hidden agenda is, it's a win-win situation for both of us.
SO i was swayed. But then in the end, I decided that I'm not valued for what I am. I'm sick and tired as to how I'm being treated. The constant stress of having to compete in every single aspect of your life and always feeling that you're not good enough (this is however a good motivation to improve and challenge myself, that's how I perceive it) and to know that you're replaceable anytime because, a lot of people may kill for this and to be able to finally decide to walk away from such good opportunity is hard but I decided that hey, being there is not all there is. I started out in my new firm, not used to how things work in a much smaller environment. People seemed nice but I was cautious. I had a wall up around me. I take time to warm up to people, having the quiet nature that I have at times, but I'm slowly getting to know and read each person at my workplace better day by day. And I'm not the type to suck up to people too much. For I know that when I'm force to socialize just for the sake of doing so, I would come across as so fake that you'll be offended. Hahaahha. I know I can be nice, but when forced, it's just fake. I cant mask it.
All my life, I am always thankful that I have a bunch of people that is my support system as I would like to call it. This year, in terms of relationships, I decided to put myself out there. I'm 25. It's time to experience things. I did tell myself, if i decided to play with fire, I have to deal with the consequences of getting burn. So I protected myself at situations or relationship that I know was not going anywhere,- i.e relationships where it wasn't a genuine case of liking and getting to know each other and liking each other for truly who they are. The people that I met was there just for hook ups. I was not ready for that. As much as I want to be experienced, I cant hook up with someone without being attracted to that person's personality, character or intelligence. Of course, not forgetting being physically attracted to that person as well. But there must be some level of mutual connection.
And when I decided, hey, let's take it easy and take it as a chance to meet more people from Tinder, and use tinder just as a platform to practice my flirting skills and things like that, I met the most wonderful guy that I've gotten to know so far in my life. He's like the guy version of me in terms of personality. But more mature, manly but not overtly egoistic,open, honest, and wise. I know I sound like I'm totally head over heels over this guy. Of course he has flaws as well. But, really, he is as described.
I found someone who made me laugh at the simplest things without having to force myself to do so just to impress him. We were able to have deep conversations and then shifting to random conversations naturally and were just very open and honest with each other. We were just comfortable with each other. All this happened in a span of 3 days that the rational part of me was asking, is this right? Is it possible to fall for someone or to let someone into my life so much? Like somehow I trust him enough to feel that it's alright to confide to him about a lot of things. We met as complete strangers, coming from different ends of the world, Exposed to very different cultures and life. He's from the US. I'm from Malaysia. We're halfway across the globe from each other and never knew each other all our lives! The thought process when chatting with him initially, was like, wow, this guy is chatty. Like he takes his time to really explain things and one can just know whether one can click with another person when texting, by the way one responds to texts. AND he replies fast! Thought process no.2 is that: what if we meet, and it gets awkward because we're too different? like we just don't get each other.. or he turns out to be an obnoxious person? He called out to me first as I was searching the crowd to try and spot him. In my mind, I have this fear of not recognising people at times, because.... I can be blur when I want to. Hahahaa. And when I saw him, I was like, "oh, this is how he looks like in person". And I would have to say, things were a bit awkward at the beginning. Cause.. we literally dont know each other and is meeting to have dinner and all. And this is the first time I decided to play tour guide to a complete stranger. But I was thinking to myself, I have nothing to lose in experiencing this. I was praying to myself that dinner would not at least be an awkward one. (I have been put at such awkward situations, that trust me when I really don't want it to be that way) Hahaha.
How amazing is it that we were meant to cross path with each other. I'm amazed as to how you can find someone who shares so many common things in life but yet that someone is so different from you at the same time in terms of culture and country. I guess fate is an amazing thing. I was swiping in search for some other guy to talk to as I was stood up by another guy. He woke up late coincidentally that day, not sure of what to do, he decided to go on tinder and was swiping away. And it takes 2 to match. I swiped right because firstly, he looks cute and decent. Second, is cause of his description, though typical, is specific, upfront and sounds genuine. Doesnt look like a date rapist or is someone just looking for hook ups. We both listen to Tycho. a rare common music love. What started off as just meeting for dinner, turned out to be a hang out session at Starbucks till the pathway from Pavilion to KLCC was closed that we had to just follow the pathway directions walking along the road close to midnight, and it continued to Saturday, Sunday and Monday morning. We met on Saturday after his trip to Batu Caves (should have tagged along as well, but I was too lazy) for KGB. I have managed to brainwash him into that. (to miss American food) We walked the whole of Midvalley after that for being too full from burgers and went to the arcade! I discovered that being a tomboy when I was younger helps, and that I have a hidden talent in basketball and air hockey. And it carried on to tea time and dinner where we were slowly trying to find out what is each other's type, sharing more personal stories of our lives and slowly liking each other. (for me that is) For the first time, I went grocery shopping where I have someone who helps me carry things. This sounds sad, but I'm usually the person taking up the guy's role of carrying things. We parted by hugging each other goodbye. In all honesty, I was expecting something more, but could felt that he was holding back to something. Turns out, he was trying very hard not to kiss me and was worried to cross the line because he wasnt sure how I was perceiving 'us'. That changed when I sent him a kiss emoji that night after we got home.
On Sunday, we went ice skating and that was where we first held hands. I was scared for life and was more nervous and excited(!) as to what will happen. While taking our first rest after trying out skating, we kissed. And continue on skating for another hour. And then he randomly went to book high tea at KL Tower. And after that we made our way back to his hotel. He wanted to go to his room first, (this is just me thinking too much, thought something will happen but it didnt). Chilled at the executive lounge for a while to kill time and then made our way to KLCC to watch the fountain lights and music. He said : I'm trying hard to hold back so much right now. I said: on what? He said: on kissing you. I paused and said: Me too. He paused,and said,: hey, do you want to go back to my room later? And i said yes.
Marveled at the fountain lights and kissed and went back to his place, ordering room service of pizza and we watched Serendipity. And cuddled, and spooned and made out and then get sad waiting for Monday to come.
Deep down we know that it's hard for us to be together although we would seriously consider dating each other steadily. So on Monday, we were sad. I was a wrecked when I got into office. But then, he suggested a crazy idea and I went for it. We spent 4 days and 3 nights in Bangkok. My first trip with My first trip with a guy. And he's not even my official bf. Heck, we just met each other technically for 3 days. And now I'm off to another foreign country to meet up with him. Alone. Me. the naive, blur, overthinking one. Hahaha. But somehow, I was not worried about my safety. I feel safe with him. I dont know why, but the gut feeling just told me that somehow he does not have a bad ulterior motive. But of course, I did take precaution as advised cause, I am going off somewhere alone, and not provide the whole complete picture to my family of the trip. But, in another view, I am an adult now. Not a stupid girl, inexperienced and have a sheltered life perhaps, but not stupid.I was scared that I am having the crazy-happy-being too blindly in love syndrome. So I talked to a lot of people. And most tell me to go. That I shouldnt miss it for the world. And if I dont, I will always be wondering how it will go and regret it. Although some told me not to, because (1) it's to dangerous and very risky. (2) there wouldnt be a happy outcome. Things will be harder for me unless I'm prepared for it to be. But, anyhow, I went. Had the most wonderful time in my life. It, in a way provided a good closure but deeper sadness but no regrets at all.
I cant believe that I did it. I guess I'm a big girl now. I arrived to him greeting me cutely at the airport. He prepared the welcome CJA sign with his phone but it didnt play on time as planned. But it's the thought that counts and it was SO CUTE!!. AND HE BOUGHT ME a bouquet of 12 stalks of roses (which smell like curry upon initial purchase) waiting for me back in the hotel room and it was a surprise! I LOVE SURPRISES!! I melted and was very touched. He didnt have to do it. But he did. Like I really didn't expect it. We were just talking about our fav flowers a few days back. I had no expectations.I wasnt even thinking of any surprise gifts at all. I am just happy that I get to see him and go on an adventure again and also nervous as this being the first trip I'll be spending with a guy I like. We were both secretly worried that what if we met in Bangkok and turns out we dont feel as attracted to each other as we did. That the frisson has died off. But, turns out it didnt. And looking back, there are a few things that if I could turn back time, I would want to change. Like, I should have given him a hug and a kiss when I got the roses. That I should have bring that Peter Alexander pjs. That I should have held hands with him more. That we should have talked more. That it felt right and okay (though I might be heartbroken like crazy after that) for him to be my first. But, I regret nothing (well I did regret that we didnt do more things, or I should be more 'proactive' or expressive? But this is something that's foreign to me. And our relationship was moving like 5 times faster than what a normal dating relationship would usually be actually.
I would be lying if I said that I dont feel hella insecure. As he left Thailand to go to Vietnam and Cambodia, I'm scared that he'll meet someone else and fall for someone like how he did with me. But, I tried to be cool. We had 'the talk' and it's clear that if he could, he wants to pursue 'us' but he's a realist (to which I am too) and knows it's near impossible to have a committed relationship. See, though we click and are really attracted to each other, we dont have a base as a foundation to a long distance relationship.Yes, our relationship moved at such a fast pace from what a normal relationship should be.. but it just felt right. And of course, I have this fear from the saying, when something moves too fast, it dies off fast too. So, I was/am scared. Scared that this 'relationship' will die. Maybe it will when he goes back to CA and we really resume our normal lives. And he meets his friends and meets new people to fall for. He did say that the time we had together is a memory that he will always look back fondly. (to which this is something I agree) I wouldnt say that I didnt see this coming. I did. I am of course, preparing myself for it. I might eventually meet someone too. Though the benchmark is so damn high right now. We actually text each other more than we actually hung out in person. How do I put it, the way we meet, connected and experienced was something that we didn't see coming at all. It's almost like what you would think happens in the movies or in very rare circumstances. Albeit what we had was a short duration of time, it was something very special. (and precious for me and him I hope)
But I want to live in the now and not fret too much into the future. Like NEVER did I imagine or expect to meet someone special like him in 2016. There's always a flicker of hope yearly that this year (whatever year I was in) was the year that I would meet someone special. But after a while, I just stop hoping. I am praying very hard and I hope God has something in good in store for us to meet again in the near future. I am not just sitting and waiting for this to happen. Am considering of visiting US in a nearer future than planned I guess or to do something to make something happen. I mean it will be awesome if I suddenly get a work posting in the US or he decides to come and work in Asia. SO I hope there is something good in store for us. I hope when we meet the next time, it will be at a right timing with the same, right feeling. Ahh, how I long and wish for this. So we'll see. If this doesnt happen, I guess in this lifetime, we are not meant to be together though we are fated to cross path with one another.
If the timing is however not right, I'll be happy that I found someone who shares a similar soul as me and will be one of my 'person' in life. He will always have a special place in my heart. And I'm scared to say this, because I'm childish and dont want this to happen. That, perhaps, my heart will truly break, the day he tells me he has found someone to settle down with. (but come to think of it, he did found someone already before this, but it wasnt meant to be. Yay to that, cause he wouldnt have met me then. Yes, evil, selfish me.)
I wouldn't say this is love but I really really really like him. I mean I wouldnt simply go on a crazy adventure by flying to another country alone to meet up with a guy whom I have meet for 3 days to spend another 4 days together. Or let myself invest so much emotions and feelings onto someone. I am now doing better. Looking back at the fond memories instead of hoping for something more. (of course I still want that, but am keeping that desire in control). We're both realist and dreamers at the same time. It's a good balance. We both know it's hard to make things work. But who knows, that if it is ever meant to be, it is meant to be and something might work out in the future, for none of us know what the future holds. Looking at the circumstances of how things turned out for us, we could make a movie out of this already. Hahahahaa. But for now, we know that, we are very glad to have meet and found each other and want to stay very good friends to each other and hoping that there will be more adventure and madness to be shared together in the future.
So, here's to madness and a very very good memory that I would treasure for life. Jon, I'll never ever forget you. The memory might fade or change as that's what the brain do to you. it helps you remember things how you want it to be remembered by distorting the truth a little or when perspective changes, the memory changes as well. But thank you for letting me meet and know you and helping me find myself. You're a beautiful person and I could never be more grateful to have met you.
-with lots of love-
Thursday, December 8, 2016
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Just cause
I guess one of the things that I learnt in law school are that when dealing and looking at certain situations at times, one just need to remove emotions out of it. It might look heartless but it helps one to look at things objectively. Or should I say looking at things from a third person point of view.
This occurred to me when i was chatting with my mum one day. I told her cold-heartedly about what the possible outcome or solutions to a situation she was talking to me about.And her reply was, but no, you dont understand, that person has such a pitiful childhood or is currently in such a situation etcetera. and I told my mum, yes, I understand that part but that doesn't mean that due to such circumstances gives that person an excuse to do whatever wrongdoing the person has done.
This occurred to me when i was chatting with my mum one day. I told her cold-heartedly about what the possible outcome or solutions to a situation she was talking to me about.And her reply was, but no, you dont understand, that person has such a pitiful childhood or is currently in such a situation etcetera. and I told my mum, yes, I understand that part but that doesn't mean that due to such circumstances gives that person an excuse to do whatever wrongdoing the person has done.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Stop
I was cautiously optimistic and can't help but build a small tiny glimmer of hope.Hence, if it does not work out,one would think that it will bot be too devastating. But things took a turn and I am suddenly hit by a huge wave of lethargy and feeling demotivated. I need a break of being positive, striving to preserve on and follow ups. There's only so much one could take I guess. Today is the day where I feel the need to just out everything on pause. While crying in the shower, these words of someone saying this to me a few months back came into my mind: it is not easy doing what you are doing now. To know that you will not stay at where you are now and to look for a new place at the same time while juggling your current work and commitment. When I heard that for the first time that time, I was thinking to myself, no, it is not that hard as you said. I am handling it well. And today I take my word back.
I am a ball of emotions today. I received a belated birthday gift, got praised that I did very well for the work that I delivered. And then I got the news of being rejected for a few if my job applications. And then people start annoying me with their queries which at the state that I am in, I dont really want to give a fuck or argue much about. My head screamed for me to stop and just let out my emotions in order for me to gain a new focus and a fresh start. With that I shall enter dreamland with hopes that i wake up tomorrow not feeling like crap and keep questioning myself every 5 minutes: what did i do wrong? Am i that bad? Am i not made out for this? Am i not cut out for this? What is it thst i am missing or not seeing the picture here?
I am a ball of emotions today. I received a belated birthday gift, got praised that I did very well for the work that I delivered. And then I got the news of being rejected for a few if my job applications. And then people start annoying me with their queries which at the state that I am in, I dont really want to give a fuck or argue much about. My head screamed for me to stop and just let out my emotions in order for me to gain a new focus and a fresh start. With that I shall enter dreamland with hopes that i wake up tomorrow not feeling like crap and keep questioning myself every 5 minutes: what did i do wrong? Am i that bad? Am i not made out for this? Am i not cut out for this? What is it thst i am missing or not seeing the picture here?
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Cheers
Here I go again, closing another year off in my life. I would certainly coin this year as a year of change for me. Failed an exam, on a big scale level for the first time in my life, decided to work full on in a law firm this year and the heavens were with me that I got accepted to one of the best law firms out there in KL. Made a thousand new friends and learnt how to socialise in the work force, get to know a ton of interesting and atas people that it made me wonder, are they seriously living their life like that? Like for real?
Became a loner in class this year. Started off feeling so insecure and naked at first, but I slowly grow comfortable as to how there isn't a need to coordinate timing, seating plans and food with people and grew a thick skin in asking random strangers for help. Definitely grew some balls in speaking up and asking lecturers questions. Have also learnt how to be more outspoken and "participative" because sometimes you just gotta shine in order to stand out from the crowd.Not my favourite thing to do as I am more of a low key kinda person, but sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do in a every man for himself world out there.
Sat for my CLP exams with mix feelings, had dreams about the results, good, bad weird, you name it, I kinda almost dreamt it all. Finally got a less than 12 hours heart attacked, vomit inducing notice period that results will be out on 21 October 2015. Had very little sleep and was already on the road to crying 10 mins before the results came out. Cried tears of joy and relief to find out that I got a conditional pass, having to re-sit for the Evidence paper, which later results in a confusion as to why I failed that paper, which later results in an epiphany during revision period for the re-sit of Evidence paper as to why I failed that paper this year.
Felt so awkward and bad when I had to break the news to Aeliaa that I passed and then got to know that it was not the same for her Felt even more weird and bad that I had to go about answering and updating people as to how I did and after that had to give an answer for Aeliaa as well. But i believe next year will be her year and that she will get qualified soon for this!
Got to experience where I am truly sitting the exam for myself (which is actually the literal reason that I am doing this for myself and for no one else), it felt so surreal, attending classes alone, seeking out lecturers' help to have a discussion as to whether my understanding of the law and cases were correct, pushing and motivating myself and going and entering the exam hall all alone. Not really having a partner in crime with me. A lonely but definitely a helpful experience.
Having then to unofficially being able to know about my results in less than 5 minutes notice in my firm's Christmas dinner celebration (17 December 2015). I had to take a moment to pray,gather my thoughts, take a deep breath and prepare myself before I hit the send button and the results just appeared at my phone screen. Initial reaction : SCREAM. And then not having sure if it is legit though this was made official on 22 December 2015. On the night of 17 December 2015, my heart, brain and shoulders felt really light as I head home and sleep. Never have I felt so relaxed and chilled while waiting for my results to come out, especially for the CLP exams. Had a moment of panic when I could not access my results on the morning it is released. But all is well once I hi the refresh button a million times later.
Had some crushing news last week. I did not get an offer for pupillage. I surprised myself by the tears flowing from my eyes and how I felt like bawling about this as I updates my friends about this. I did not know I wanted it so bad. Maybe cause I just assumed that I am getting it and that all was going well, I do not need to figure about new transport and new people to impress in a completely new environment. What I really want. Is this what I really want. My best friend asked, is it cause of the name or the fame that is attached to where I currently am? I asked myself this question, no, it is not it. I guess for the past year, I have grown to like the people whom I work with, accustomed myself to what is required of me to be done at work, how the people here know how I work and I know how they work. I like it here, despite of all it's flaw and my love-hate relationship with it. I know that if I stay and preserve long enough, when I leave it one day, it will bring me to better or greater heights.
I feel I have so much more to learn, prove myself and impress people here. However, it might not be fate for me to impress them as a pupil. It might be elsewhere where I would be able to show my talent and possibly discover what I really want from this all at another place. But where? I do not know for now. And I have another shot of really deciding about this this week, and I will hopefully be able to see on where this is taking me.
I know another this about me is that, i sometimes or most of the times, when it comes to certain areas in my life, I do not like change. I do not feel comfortable in unfamiliar territories. This is a contradiction as to other parts of my life. So, maybe change is a good thing at times. Another thing is that, I like planning or at least have a rough idea as to where I am being taken and throw away at some place to do something. I cannot be impromptu at times. I like doing a little bit of planning, research and some heads up at times. I can be impulsive and this leads to foolish acts and conclusions, but I cannot be impromptu at times. Such contradiction I know, but it happens.
Got to experience great amount of stress and such high speed moving projects up to the point that I was working on every weekends for a month, left office at 2am in the morning, slept at 3-4 am. Had to deal with demanding timeline and not to mention people's emotions, had to try and stay alive after being through into a deep end of a project not knowing head or tail of it, although what was required to be done was not rocket science. It got bad to a point, I was just disappointed that people don't see the hard work that we have tried to put in and I was questioning myself as to why do I need to put myself through this kinda hell and I could just walk away from this all because this is not something that I need right now. But I am glad I survived and that I did not break down.
Also, I get to experience more things that I had experienced in my life. Had the luck of traveling to places alone without my family, had the chance of experiencing clubbing and getting drunk but am still aware as to what the effects of alcohol is doing to me which I cant control. Had been blessed by having friends who took care of me and putting up with me at such annoying times. Learn swimming and managed to overcome my fear with the water though I still panic every now and then and have not mastered it entirely and have yet manage to just relax completely in the water and to really float backwards. And all in all.had been blessed to have a strong support system for me to go through moments of insanity in my life. My uncertainties, insecurities and what not.I did not cry as much as I did to deal with stress this year. I don't know if I got tougher or what. But I guess I gained weigh instead. Which is even more annoying.I did fall sick quite a lot this year and trust me it is not a pleasant thing at all
All in all, there are so much more things to learn, do,make mistakes on and experience that I am looking forward to 2016. I wish that 2015 has been another memorable year, be it good or bad for everyone to take something out of it before closing another year in your life and may this year help you prepare yourself of what you want and expect out of 2016.
cheers, with lots of love, peace out.
Became a loner in class this year. Started off feeling so insecure and naked at first, but I slowly grow comfortable as to how there isn't a need to coordinate timing, seating plans and food with people and grew a thick skin in asking random strangers for help. Definitely grew some balls in speaking up and asking lecturers questions. Have also learnt how to be more outspoken and "participative" because sometimes you just gotta shine in order to stand out from the crowd.Not my favourite thing to do as I am more of a low key kinda person, but sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do in a every man for himself world out there.
Sat for my CLP exams with mix feelings, had dreams about the results, good, bad weird, you name it, I kinda almost dreamt it all. Finally got a less than 12 hours heart attacked, vomit inducing notice period that results will be out on 21 October 2015. Had very little sleep and was already on the road to crying 10 mins before the results came out. Cried tears of joy and relief to find out that I got a conditional pass, having to re-sit for the Evidence paper, which later results in a confusion as to why I failed that paper, which later results in an epiphany during revision period for the re-sit of Evidence paper as to why I failed that paper this year.
Felt so awkward and bad when I had to break the news to Aeliaa that I passed and then got to know that it was not the same for her Felt even more weird and bad that I had to go about answering and updating people as to how I did and after that had to give an answer for Aeliaa as well. But i believe next year will be her year and that she will get qualified soon for this!
Got to experience where I am truly sitting the exam for myself (which is actually the literal reason that I am doing this for myself and for no one else), it felt so surreal, attending classes alone, seeking out lecturers' help to have a discussion as to whether my understanding of the law and cases were correct, pushing and motivating myself and going and entering the exam hall all alone. Not really having a partner in crime with me. A lonely but definitely a helpful experience.
Having then to unofficially being able to know about my results in less than 5 minutes notice in my firm's Christmas dinner celebration (17 December 2015). I had to take a moment to pray,gather my thoughts, take a deep breath and prepare myself before I hit the send button and the results just appeared at my phone screen. Initial reaction : SCREAM. And then not having sure if it is legit though this was made official on 22 December 2015. On the night of 17 December 2015, my heart, brain and shoulders felt really light as I head home and sleep. Never have I felt so relaxed and chilled while waiting for my results to come out, especially for the CLP exams. Had a moment of panic when I could not access my results on the morning it is released. But all is well once I hi the refresh button a million times later.
Had some crushing news last week. I did not get an offer for pupillage. I surprised myself by the tears flowing from my eyes and how I felt like bawling about this as I updates my friends about this. I did not know I wanted it so bad. Maybe cause I just assumed that I am getting it and that all was going well, I do not need to figure about new transport and new people to impress in a completely new environment. What I really want. Is this what I really want. My best friend asked, is it cause of the name or the fame that is attached to where I currently am? I asked myself this question, no, it is not it. I guess for the past year, I have grown to like the people whom I work with, accustomed myself to what is required of me to be done at work, how the people here know how I work and I know how they work. I like it here, despite of all it's flaw and my love-hate relationship with it. I know that if I stay and preserve long enough, when I leave it one day, it will bring me to better or greater heights.
I feel I have so much more to learn, prove myself and impress people here. However, it might not be fate for me to impress them as a pupil. It might be elsewhere where I would be able to show my talent and possibly discover what I really want from this all at another place. But where? I do not know for now. And I have another shot of really deciding about this this week, and I will hopefully be able to see on where this is taking me.
I know another this about me is that, i sometimes or most of the times, when it comes to certain areas in my life, I do not like change. I do not feel comfortable in unfamiliar territories. This is a contradiction as to other parts of my life. So, maybe change is a good thing at times. Another thing is that, I like planning or at least have a rough idea as to where I am being taken and throw away at some place to do something. I cannot be impromptu at times. I like doing a little bit of planning, research and some heads up at times. I can be impulsive and this leads to foolish acts and conclusions, but I cannot be impromptu at times. Such contradiction I know, but it happens.
Got to experience great amount of stress and such high speed moving projects up to the point that I was working on every weekends for a month, left office at 2am in the morning, slept at 3-4 am. Had to deal with demanding timeline and not to mention people's emotions, had to try and stay alive after being through into a deep end of a project not knowing head or tail of it, although what was required to be done was not rocket science. It got bad to a point, I was just disappointed that people don't see the hard work that we have tried to put in and I was questioning myself as to why do I need to put myself through this kinda hell and I could just walk away from this all because this is not something that I need right now. But I am glad I survived and that I did not break down.
Also, I get to experience more things that I had experienced in my life. Had the luck of traveling to places alone without my family, had the chance of experiencing clubbing and getting drunk but am still aware as to what the effects of alcohol is doing to me which I cant control. Had been blessed by having friends who took care of me and putting up with me at such annoying times. Learn swimming and managed to overcome my fear with the water though I still panic every now and then and have not mastered it entirely and have yet manage to just relax completely in the water and to really float backwards. And all in all.had been blessed to have a strong support system for me to go through moments of insanity in my life. My uncertainties, insecurities and what not.I did not cry as much as I did to deal with stress this year. I don't know if I got tougher or what. But I guess I gained weigh instead. Which is even more annoying.I did fall sick quite a lot this year and trust me it is not a pleasant thing at all
All in all, there are so much more things to learn, do,make mistakes on and experience that I am looking forward to 2016. I wish that 2015 has been another memorable year, be it good or bad for everyone to take something out of it before closing another year in your life and may this year help you prepare yourself of what you want and expect out of 2016.
cheers, with lots of love, peace out.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Crossroads
i am not the efficient blogger who updates her posts on a regular basis, which means I fail as being one if you follow the literal meaning of what a blogger is. I was in the loo as I was about to start killing my brain cells and I was mapping it out in my mind as to the thoughts that I feel like putting down here in this blog. I was planning on writing a post on my short 48 hours trip to Penang with Ms.Sweet and Ms.Lee. However, being the master of procrastination, you know that I've not done this yet. So that will have to wait to maybe later tonight or somewhere near the next few days I guess.
I was just thinking of how this blog serves as indirectly being an electronic diary to me. i started this blog partly as it was a trend during my days where everyone has a blog and famous bloggers are everywhere.I would just sit in front of my computer the whole days reading posts of the few favourite blogs that i stumbled upon and was so in awe of their writing skills. I feel the same today towards the very minimal blogs that still blogs about stuff that doesnt sound too over-commercialized and have pretty pictures for me to dream and drool over and at the same time it being such a witty blog post. ( yes, you could say that my benchmark for what I would classify as a good blog would be very much high, or not ).
That thought lead me to a quick summary on how my blog is. How I set it out to be. I started off my blog in only documenting the happy moments and thoughts in my life. The concerts, the celebrations, the music,dramas, movies that I fell in love with.The hot guys I declare of as my husbands.I try to record bits and pieces of my life on as much of a daily notice as I can. I was being criticized ( I have too good of a memory at times) as being seem to only ''record the happy moments in life'' which might be an in your face thing for certain sad and depressed people out there or maybe it just brings out the inner green monster in them that how can an individual have so many happy things happen to her, measuring it against their own life. I assure you that was not the intention.
But as one year after another pass, and this blog has not not been deleted, as I sometimes read what I have posted a few years back, I realized that my blogging posts have changed over the years. There has been a period in time, which was a year or two back where I was put through the test of the negative things in life and I could feel that there were a lot of negative posts in here. I blog about things that I was angry and unhappy about. How dissatisfied I was that I was subjected to such ''unlucky'' things while others are others are out there enjoying the lives and getting what they wish for.
This was a place for me to rant all my angers and turn on the self pity mode for myself. Part of the reasons I do them here is also because though this blog is public, I did not disclose on the entire social media that I am in of having own a blog. Only few very close friends of mine knows about this place. I don't know if they have ever enjoyed reading this space here as all it seems to be was about me and how I think the world revolves around me.
But the very basis of why I started this blog maybe the reason why its still being kept here on the internet. i started this blog to document the thoughts and moments where I wanted it to be put down in words so that I could go back and read about it one day, thinking how stupid or emo I was at the time where i was writing it.I was even amazed at my writing skills at times. But, I must say dengan muka tebalnya that there were certain posts that I feel still withstand the test of time and I still stand by some of those thoights and opinion till today.
What made me think of all these things and to churn all those thoughts into so many words are that i remember this blog post that I wrote towards the end of my A-levels or was it during my degree days was that how afraid I felt about not having a vision of how I want my career path to be.How I felt that my peers have a goal set in their head, that they were all sure of what and where they wanted to do after they were finished with being a student and I felt that I was drowning. Or swimming around like a headless fish.
And I realized over the years, like literally, no one really knows where they are heading. That it's ok to feel that way and that things happen for a reason that will eventually lead you to the path that you wanted all along without you realising it .
I was just thinking of how this blog serves as indirectly being an electronic diary to me. i started this blog partly as it was a trend during my days where everyone has a blog and famous bloggers are everywhere.I would just sit in front of my computer the whole days reading posts of the few favourite blogs that i stumbled upon and was so in awe of their writing skills. I feel the same today towards the very minimal blogs that still blogs about stuff that doesnt sound too over-commercialized and have pretty pictures for me to dream and drool over and at the same time it being such a witty blog post. ( yes, you could say that my benchmark for what I would classify as a good blog would be very much high, or not ).
That thought lead me to a quick summary on how my blog is. How I set it out to be. I started off my blog in only documenting the happy moments and thoughts in my life. The concerts, the celebrations, the music,dramas, movies that I fell in love with.The hot guys I declare of as my husbands.I try to record bits and pieces of my life on as much of a daily notice as I can. I was being criticized ( I have too good of a memory at times) as being seem to only ''record the happy moments in life'' which might be an in your face thing for certain sad and depressed people out there or maybe it just brings out the inner green monster in them that how can an individual have so many happy things happen to her, measuring it against their own life. I assure you that was not the intention.
But as one year after another pass, and this blog has not not been deleted, as I sometimes read what I have posted a few years back, I realized that my blogging posts have changed over the years. There has been a period in time, which was a year or two back where I was put through the test of the negative things in life and I could feel that there were a lot of negative posts in here. I blog about things that I was angry and unhappy about. How dissatisfied I was that I was subjected to such ''unlucky'' things while others are others are out there enjoying the lives and getting what they wish for.
This was a place for me to rant all my angers and turn on the self pity mode for myself. Part of the reasons I do them here is also because though this blog is public, I did not disclose on the entire social media that I am in of having own a blog. Only few very close friends of mine knows about this place. I don't know if they have ever enjoyed reading this space here as all it seems to be was about me and how I think the world revolves around me.
But the very basis of why I started this blog maybe the reason why its still being kept here on the internet. i started this blog to document the thoughts and moments where I wanted it to be put down in words so that I could go back and read about it one day, thinking how stupid or emo I was at the time where i was writing it.I was even amazed at my writing skills at times. But, I must say dengan muka tebalnya that there were certain posts that I feel still withstand the test of time and I still stand by some of those thoights and opinion till today.
What made me think of all these things and to churn all those thoughts into so many words are that i remember this blog post that I wrote towards the end of my A-levels or was it during my degree days was that how afraid I felt about not having a vision of how I want my career path to be.How I felt that my peers have a goal set in their head, that they were all sure of what and where they wanted to do after they were finished with being a student and I felt that I was drowning. Or swimming around like a headless fish.
And I realized over the years, like literally, no one really knows where they are heading. That it's ok to feel that way and that things happen for a reason that will eventually lead you to the path that you wanted all along without you realising it .
Thursday, May 14, 2015
This too shall pass
Here I am. 5 months in 2015. Just started my study leave about 2 weeks in now. The stress as how I felt last year for the exams have not set in (?) yet. I am procrastinating the work I am supposed to do on certain days and am hardworking on the next day. Ah, having conflicting thoughts and emotions.
The feeling of having to do this alone this time around. Alone in the sense that, I go to class alone, I sit and eat alone, I study alone without really getting the chance to ask people how their progress are and getting the chance to rant to people on how my progress are, to rant my worries and concerns to people being in the same boat as me. This is certainly something I have not experience before in my life so far.As what See Wei described to me (as she clearly understands what I am going through right now) : it's like you want to die but you cannot die.
That torturing feeling of having been there done that, that you know all the syllabus when you sit through classes but there are moments where you think to yourself, what the hell is this?! how is it that I cannot for the life remember that I studied this last year? Is this something new? or was it me who was not paying attention in class? how is it that I cannot identify the issue in this question? How is it that I could have identified this issue wrongly in this question? It has been a series of going through these kinda of questions and not to mention feelings mixed in it now.
I really want to get over this and really do not want to go through this feeling again. Seeing people moving on with their life, ( not that I feel unhappy for them) make me realized how much time is wasted. At the same time of course, I feel this is in a way a blessing in disguise. I get to experience another path which I could never embark upon had this never happen ( me failing CLP).
I am very very appreciative and thankful for all the support and prayers I get from people that I know in supporting me, emotionally and physically in encouraging me to get through this.
With that, I shall start tomorrow afresh with serious determination to get through this and embark on another new path! Because as See Wei said, to get through this, realistically,the first step and the only thing you can do to help yourself is to study really hard for this. And that I will do so that i shall have no regrets nor reason to be sad.
-with lots of love,peace out-
The feeling of having to do this alone this time around. Alone in the sense that, I go to class alone, I sit and eat alone, I study alone without really getting the chance to ask people how their progress are and getting the chance to rant to people on how my progress are, to rant my worries and concerns to people being in the same boat as me. This is certainly something I have not experience before in my life so far.As what See Wei described to me (as she clearly understands what I am going through right now) : it's like you want to die but you cannot die.
That torturing feeling of having been there done that, that you know all the syllabus when you sit through classes but there are moments where you think to yourself, what the hell is this?! how is it that I cannot for the life remember that I studied this last year? Is this something new? or was it me who was not paying attention in class? how is it that I cannot identify the issue in this question? How is it that I could have identified this issue wrongly in this question? It has been a series of going through these kinda of questions and not to mention feelings mixed in it now.
I really want to get over this and really do not want to go through this feeling again. Seeing people moving on with their life, ( not that I feel unhappy for them) make me realized how much time is wasted. At the same time of course, I feel this is in a way a blessing in disguise. I get to experience another path which I could never embark upon had this never happen ( me failing CLP).
I am very very appreciative and thankful for all the support and prayers I get from people that I know in supporting me, emotionally and physically in encouraging me to get through this.
With that, I shall start tomorrow afresh with serious determination to get through this and embark on another new path! Because as See Wei said, to get through this, realistically,the first step and the only thing you can do to help yourself is to study really hard for this. And that I will do so that i shall have no regrets nor reason to be sad.
-with lots of love,peace out-
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Considerations
I would say that since failing my CLP, and having a rough back up idea on what I would do in the event I failed my CLP, life on a daily basis have been interesting and challenging as when I have time to reflect at the end of the day as to what I've been doing for like the past 10 hours or so,I would ask myself this ques: when was the last time you did something for the first time. And i would find myself answering to this question on the new stuff that I was able to learn or get to know daily. Some of it might seem trivial or like something so basic, that everyone would be assumed to have known them, but for me there are a number of stuffs that I am thankful that I was able to have been exposed to.
I enjoy the work and the people that I work with most of them time. But of course there are down times too. And that day it got to a point where I was questioning myself,I am not even here for a pupillage, why I am putting myself through so much pressure when I still have other stuff that would be more of a priority than the work I am in now.. As in the main aim that I have this year is to pass my CLP. The side goal is to try and gain some experience at the legal industry whilst preparing for my CLP. This is a hard balance but I choose to pick this road to see how it will go and to challenge myself.
I would say, I learn a lot of things. But maybe its cause I am currently feeling exhausted, fed up and unappreciated in the work I am in now that I feel like quitting as I am worried that I wouldnt have time to fully prepare myself for the exams.I don't want to go through the feeling of looking at my results and seeing that I failed for the second time and I need to go through the whole course syllabus again and not to mention delay my time for another 1 year to be able to qualify to be a lawyer.
I think I have told a lot of people this.I dont mind working hard and being committed to my job. I dont mind being on the borderline of a workaholic. But there is a maximum line to be drawn. I want to still have some chill time. TO be able to go home at the end of the day and watch some shows to unwind. TO be able to have my weekend to just be lazy and not do anything, to be able to meet up with my friends and family. Because I have friends and family and a social life outside my office. I dont wanna lose friends just because of work. So these thoughts came to my mind when I find myself just locking myself in the room over weekends working my ass off.
I am of course taking my time to consider this properly. But another thought also prop up into my head just now. I remember my brother's advice on my initial dilemma on whether to work and study at the same time. He said well, you can give it a shot, and if you dont like it just quit. Why worry so much.. You are just trying it out. You still have time to build your career. It's not the end of the world. I was amazed by this simple thought when I hear what he has to say about my worries. True. Why be afraid and worry so much about what ifs and what not? As long as at the end of the day I am happy with what I do and have and do not regret the decision I made, it's gold.
We'll see how it goes.May the force be with me.
with lot's of love,peace out
I enjoy the work and the people that I work with most of them time. But of course there are down times too. And that day it got to a point where I was questioning myself,I am not even here for a pupillage, why I am putting myself through so much pressure when I still have other stuff that would be more of a priority than the work I am in now.. As in the main aim that I have this year is to pass my CLP. The side goal is to try and gain some experience at the legal industry whilst preparing for my CLP. This is a hard balance but I choose to pick this road to see how it will go and to challenge myself.
I would say, I learn a lot of things. But maybe its cause I am currently feeling exhausted, fed up and unappreciated in the work I am in now that I feel like quitting as I am worried that I wouldnt have time to fully prepare myself for the exams.I don't want to go through the feeling of looking at my results and seeing that I failed for the second time and I need to go through the whole course syllabus again and not to mention delay my time for another 1 year to be able to qualify to be a lawyer.
I think I have told a lot of people this.I dont mind working hard and being committed to my job. I dont mind being on the borderline of a workaholic. But there is a maximum line to be drawn. I want to still have some chill time. TO be able to go home at the end of the day and watch some shows to unwind. TO be able to have my weekend to just be lazy and not do anything, to be able to meet up with my friends and family. Because I have friends and family and a social life outside my office. I dont wanna lose friends just because of work. So these thoughts came to my mind when I find myself just locking myself in the room over weekends working my ass off.
I am of course taking my time to consider this properly. But another thought also prop up into my head just now. I remember my brother's advice on my initial dilemma on whether to work and study at the same time. He said well, you can give it a shot, and if you dont like it just quit. Why worry so much.. You are just trying it out. You still have time to build your career. It's not the end of the world. I was amazed by this simple thought when I hear what he has to say about my worries. True. Why be afraid and worry so much about what ifs and what not? As long as at the end of the day I am happy with what I do and have and do not regret the decision I made, it's gold.
We'll see how it goes.May the force be with me.
with lot's of love,peace out
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