It feels like we are currently living life as portrayed in a movie where the world is ending. The world is currently experiencing a pandemic. Where I am right now, we are in an almost complete lock down and it is driving me crazy. Somehow, no one have yet or I have yet seen a meme on the different stages of emotions one goes through while being confined in their own homes. E.g, stage 1- rebelling, Stage 2- denial, Stage 3- acceptance., etc.
For the homebodies and the introverts, this is a dream come true. For the extroverts, this is pure torture. For those who are in between, it's a mix of emotions. It is a test. Having the freedom and choice taken away from you on whether you have the luxury to be able to choose to stay at home or to go out and socialize, a freedom we take for granted is frustrating. I never fully appreciated this freedom that was given to me. If you are staying with a housemate(s), lover or friend(s), now is a good time to discover if you are really compatible or that other person is slowly driving you crazy. However, in a way it is better than staying alone. At least you have company. And the world, for the first time in a very very long time is able to breathe and heal itself.
If you just got into a relationship or has been in a relationship for a while, or just got married, this is a good test, either staying together or both of you are self quarantining in your own home. And this I feel, one will go through the various stages of emotions as mentioned above too. I started out being positive and then it turned out to be a mix of being insecure and clingy. And now, I am just cranky and wondering why doesn't he text me first or check in on me. What is he doing? Why isn't he replying me? He should be in front of his computer.. Is he not checking up on me because technically there isn't much change or happening anyway. We are on lock down, our activity includes, sleep, eat, cook work, watch tv, repeat. Am I texting him too much? Am I suffocating him? I miss him. Does he miss me too? Will it freak him out now if I say the words 'I Love You' just cause I think I am ready? Is he ready? I don't want to impose my feelings on him and I still have that tiny fear of giving myself too much and the other person just takes it for granted and I'll be made a second option (yes, this has scarred me) and of course I have my own ego as well. Is my feelings progression moving at a much faster rate/level compared to him? Should I slow down? Or does he not realize all this until I take the first step because he is oblivious to it? Will he be ok with it if I do? But why is it that sometimes it feels that I have to initiate all these first?
Why does it feel like I need to be the one who says good morning and good night everyday? I wish he would put in more effort in that sense. Or is it just me and my expectations? To him, we are more than that. These small things doesn't really matter. Or does he not realize that I like or value these small things and these words of affirmation comforts me. It makes me feel that I am cared for?
Should I communicate these to him or just breath in and out and let this frustration pass? Is it cause he's not used to doing this and so he never thought it really mattered? I don't know... All these mixed thoughts, feelings and insecurities, am I turning into a crazy, controlling lover? Am I thinking too much into this? I hate the idea of that. But I do have my expectations at times and want to feel loved or getting some attention (?).
I realized that writing things down is an outlet for me to let out my anger, insecurities and feelings. This is a form I let things out other than talking to multiple people and getting their views on things or crying. Haahaha. I guess at times like this, this is truly a test and new to me. This is an unprecedented situation anyways. Phew, I feel much better and more calm after putting all these down. Maybe I am feeling all this because I am (i) bored, (ii) restless, (iii) feeling frustrated with my sister, (iv) feeling frustrated and basically being cranky of not being able to get the things I want, (v) feeling annoyed because I don't like to be bossed around at home, (vi) feeling disappointed and sad that I will not be able to celebrate my birthday this year, something I look forward to and get excited every year. And actually even more this year because (a) this year is the final year I am in my 20s, (b) I have a lover to celebrate it with this year, and (c) I was supposed to do my get my nails done at a nail saloon (truly a treat for me) but it got postponed. Yup, I know, a birthday is just another day. I have the entire month of April for this. But you know, it's kinda not the same. Oh well.
For today though, 26 March 2020, I decided to shut myself off for a bit from the internet world. No initiating text (cause I am slightly tired of doing it) unless important texts that must be made, no IG posts, no FB tags. Login into the social media apps just to check on things but no communication to anyone. Today, she feels like feeling nothing.
xx
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