Nights

Nights where I cried so much to the point of exhaustion, I fell asleep right after I let my tears dry for a bit.

Nights where I was so exhausted from work and life that I dont have enough energy left to cry and woke up in the morning crying instead.

Nights where I feel so lonely but not in a bad way just lonely and I just get sad suddenly.

Nights where I look out of my room window and say repeatedly to myself - I'll be fine.I'll get through this and pray that I have the strength to go through life each day.

Nights where I'm mentally exhausted but I can't seem to sleep.

Nights where I'm so tired but I dream of weird dreams and wake up feeling I didnt get enough rest.

Nights where I struggle to search for a song to fit my mood for the night to help me sleep.

Nights where I think of the endless what ifs

Nights where I wonder if you are worth fighting for?

Nights where I wonder if I'm many a times holding on to things that I should let go instead

Nights where I doubt myself and get hella insecure and just wish that someone will be there to hug me and cuddle me and tell me that i'm ok, and so i curl myself into a ball, hug Beary and Teddy Cat a little bit tighter than usual and tell myself, you'll be alright.

Nights where I smile to myself, thankful that I have survived another day, everything's gonna be ok and assure myself that tomorrow will be a good day and I head to dreamland. a deep dreamless sleep.

things on the side

I ended the year and started off the new year experiencing literally a ball of emotions. Work has been crazy, boss has been bitchy and passive aggressive towards me, had a little bit of family drama and relationship as been.... interesting

I think by far I have never met such an asshole in my life. You either consciously or subconsciously has been informing the group that you are dating someone. Obviously everyone including me knows. On New Years Eve, you think it's ok to bring her to do countdown together. And at 6pm, while I was happily getting ready, you decided that it would be 'the right and respectful thing' to do to personally text me to say that your plus one is the girl you have been going out with. You guys just got together so no official labels yet. Ummm, hello, that's not rocket science to me. 

And then you had the cheek to say you hope things are cool between us that I wouldnt meStarntion anything we did/had before.. because your girlfriend is insecure about your past and you know that it's your fault. I have never felt anger that way. So basically you texted me to ensure that I'll keep my mouth shut. And then I have to be at the party facing you and your girlfriend as if nothing had ever happen.

I can be the mean bitchy girl if I want to. But that's not me. So I put on my fake smile, drink and conveniently just avoid unnecessary conversations with you that night. It's a whole new level of realization that I can play stuff cool though I probably would have killed you in my head 10 thousand times already. Thankful that I had a very good support system to get me through it. And I surprised myself by how fast I got over you. I guess you really push me to the limit and your asshole actions definitely helped me move on fast.

Fingers crossed that I would be able to close certain project smoothly. Last week was the literal experience of whatever that can go wrong for Completion, will go wrong. But nonetheless, the words that MCG told me which was told by WWK is that, that's how you learn and grow to become a good lawyer. If all things go smoothly, that's great, but you'll never learn or grow to solve situations and problems.

 So if you were to ask me how did I start off my 2019, well, with a lot of tears and stress. But it's all good. 

my ray of unspent sunshine

When someone you really like / love finds a person whom they connect with on a lot of levels and you completely understand that that is something hard to find and can be pretty rare, and seeing how happy and excited they are. You know they have found someone special. One part of you truly feel happy for him while another part of you, without any hate, bitterness, anger or any ill feelings feels sad. You were not hurt intentionally. But the heart breaks a little or is this a whole heartbreak?

The brain and gut feeling tells me, you know you are going to be fine, but somehow you tear randomly without any warning and when night falls, you get sad at times. Yes, you are in pain. But you know well enough that time will heal this and you will be fine. Seeing the person you treasure the most find happiness is such a beautiful thing. Compared to other people that I have fallen for, I couldnt  or wasnt ready to wish them happiness cause there is some sort of resentment or feeling unsatisfied towards the person.

But this is different. I want him to be happy and wish for him to have nothing but love and happiness. I hope he finds someone that lights up his day like how he’s my ray of unspent sunshine. He deserves to be happy. I’m still excited to meet him in July ... perhaps with a different feeling and excitement now with changed circumstances. But nonetheless very excited.

I hope our friendship never change. You will forever have a special place in my heart. I have written this down and said it many times, I am forever more grateful that I get to meet you in this lifetime. I learnt and grow so much as a person. You support and genuine take of who I am and to ask me to never change or compromise myself for anyone and that I deserve someone awesome and the patience of listening to my ‘issues’ and giving good advices and always layan-ing me and just unexpectedly making my day. I can never thank you enough for this. Perhaps you are my Marry Poppins.

I wish you nothing but for all the love and happiness in this universe and the strength to overcome any sadness or challenges that you may face. I think I’ll always love you. 6 months to go. I wonder how I'll be then.

xx