the past few years

3 years go, you put yourself out there for love. You were surprised that you are actually not too bad yourself in the game of love. You know that playing with fire will get you burn a little as well. You learn a tad bit more about yourself and who your friends are.

Through this journey you met someone beautiful. You wanted to learn so much more about things. To experience more. And he is there (and still is) giving you and sharing that experience. You grew and change so much more. You got comfortable in your own skin and body. You get to know your value more. You didnt expect to be able to meet someone like this in this lifetime. You have almost given up on that thought and was ready to settle.

2 years go, you learn to accept another person. To not compare people. To open your heart again. To explore more. Sadly, what you thought was a beautiful person, turns out to be bad trips (of experiences and people). You experience sadness, doubtful thoughts, dissatisfaction and anger.

1 year ago, you heal more and surprise yourself. You finally became an adult. You thought this might be the start of something challenging but worth it. But sadly, this time around, it was a pretty bad trip as well.

As much as it was written down to state nothing much has changed, our friendship wont be changing, things do change/ have changed.

You don't own him. He's never fully yours and to be fair, you were never fully his. So what do you do?  This feeling of sadness and fearing this change? Try to let go an move on? Yes, this is something easier said than done.

Deep down, you know this day might/will come. You just thought to prepare yourself to face it. It's ok. We all go through this in a different scale of heartbreak for each of us.

 You have the right to be upset/hurt about the thought of it or from time to time as to how you are treated or taken for granted at times. You are only human. If he isnt with someone right now, he would have been down for it. Alas, this isnt the case. And so be it. You got this! Imagine if the situation is in reverse. He's the one being you and you, him. It would be weird as well if things do not change a little. It will be confusing as well I believe.

So now Jo, learn to draw the line. It's totally fine if he's still your ray of unspent sunshine. The one you excitedly take pictures and videos for, the one you put in the most effort for cards and well wishes. It's okay. But please no longer put him your priority. Don't move mountains for him.

You did foresee it coming, but not this bad. Being put in a situation you never thought you would have to deal with. But you dealt with it the best that you can. You stayed cool.

And then for the first time, your heart got broken or cracked really bad.You never know it could hurt like this and you could feel sadness this much You dont want to go through something like this again if you could help it. (you might or you might not, now).

You give yourself time to heal. You thought you are gonna be ok on certain days. That you are nearly healed. But then, certain things happened, or there were triggers and you realize that you are not all cried out yet. You are still learning how to move on. How to let go. Being the committed, ocd/ obsessive, no chill person that you are, this takes a bit more time compared to others perhaps.

But you know what, you do you, boo. Take all the time you need to heal, grow  and have fun again. Don't simply discard it and try to hide it. Deal with it and heal Dont go crazy obsessive in tying to heal at the same time as well. You might be pushing yourself too hard.

Place it as an important ting to do and focus on. But dont let it be your all. Dont let it define you. Have fun and try to take your mind off it.

Focus to make yourself happy physically an mentally!!!) But dont look for short term happiness. Occasionally, this wouldnt hurt, but know your limits!

You got this Jo! You can do this.

The past 2.5 years, you have learnt more about yourself, what you want and need. You have experienced lust, like, confusion, love. Perhaps the next one to be experienced is to learn heartbreak and letting go and walking away from relationships of people who dont deserve you. Dont give too much. Dont be too nice. The whole process, from loving to unloving, to healing. You will perhaps then be ready to love again. This time, wisely and hopefully one that is worth it as well.

x- your heart and brain.

Honey

You say I’m too innocent
You say I’m too much of an optimist
You say I’m too sheltered, who never experience real hardship in life
You say I have so much more I need to learn
You say I’m too much of a dreamer


But honey,

I say, do not just judge a book by its cover
I say, most of the time, yes, I break things down and look at them in a simple manner
I say, most of the time, I’m upfront about my feelings and thoughts


But honey,


‘I’m a simple person who hides a thousand feelings behind the happiest smile’


I say, everyone has their own battle to fight, it’s something that one cant compare with another
I say, why look at things negatively? It doesnt help one solve anything but cause misery
I say, open your mind and think deeper, because the universe is looking at the bigger bigger picture


Honey,


You still have a lot of growing up to do.

At the end of the day, I know that it’s every man for himself in all departments of one’s life.
But never have I met someone so selfish. Be it an impulsive thought and request or a panic, selfish reaction or something that one has planned all this time, just waiting for the timing of it.

 Never has someone pissed me off this bad. To have pushed me to my maximum limit of hating someone is something extremely rare. I forgive you but I will never forget. I dont wish you happiness nor do I wish you ill will. I just dont wish for anything for you for if it’s possible I do not sant to have anything to do with you ever.

I am thankful that I get to learn so much from this. It is one hard lesson learnt. It’s okay. Maybe it’s my karma or it maybe one for you in the future. Maybe it’s karma for the both of us.

Nights

Nights where I cried so much to the point of exhaustion, I fell asleep right after I let my tears dry for a bit.

Nights where I was so exhausted from work and life that I dont have enough energy left to cry and woke up in the morning crying instead.

Nights where I feel so lonely but not in a bad way just lonely and I just get sad suddenly.

Nights where I look out of my room window and say repeatedly to myself - I'll be fine.I'll get through this and pray that I have the strength to go through life each day.

Nights where I'm mentally exhausted but I can't seem to sleep.

Nights where I'm so tired but I dream of weird dreams and wake up feeling I didnt get enough rest.

Nights where I struggle to search for a song to fit my mood for the night to help me sleep.

Nights where I think of the endless what ifs

Nights where I wonder if you are worth fighting for?

Nights where I wonder if I'm many a times holding on to things that I should let go instead

Nights where I doubt myself and get hella insecure and just wish that someone will be there to hug me and cuddle me and tell me that i'm ok, and so i curl myself into a ball, hug Beary and Teddy Cat a little bit tighter than usual and tell myself, you'll be alright.

Nights where I smile to myself, thankful that I have survived another day, everything's gonna be ok and assure myself that tomorrow will be a good day and I head to dreamland. a deep dreamless sleep.

things on the side

I ended the year and started off the new year experiencing literally a ball of emotions. Work has been crazy, boss has been bitchy and passive aggressive towards me, had a little bit of family drama and relationship as been.... interesting

I think by far I have never met such an asshole in my life. You either consciously or subconsciously has been informing the group that you are dating someone. Obviously everyone including me knows. On New Years Eve, you think it's ok to bring her to do countdown together. And at 6pm, while I was happily getting ready, you decided that it would be 'the right and respectful thing' to do to personally text me to say that your plus one is the girl you have been going out with. You guys just got together so no official labels yet. Ummm, hello, that's not rocket science to me. 

And then you had the cheek to say you hope things are cool between us that I wouldnt meStarntion anything we did/had before.. because your girlfriend is insecure about your past and you know that it's your fault. I have never felt anger that way. So basically you texted me to ensure that I'll keep my mouth shut. And then I have to be at the party facing you and your girlfriend as if nothing had ever happen.

I can be the mean bitchy girl if I want to. But that's not me. So I put on my fake smile, drink and conveniently just avoid unnecessary conversations with you that night. It's a whole new level of realization that I can play stuff cool though I probably would have killed you in my head 10 thousand times already. Thankful that I had a very good support system to get me through it. And I surprised myself by how fast I got over you. I guess you really push me to the limit and your asshole actions definitely helped me move on fast.

Fingers crossed that I would be able to close certain project smoothly. Last week was the literal experience of whatever that can go wrong for Completion, will go wrong. But nonetheless, the words that MCG told me which was told by WWK is that, that's how you learn and grow to become a good lawyer. If all things go smoothly, that's great, but you'll never learn or grow to solve situations and problems.

 So if you were to ask me how did I start off my 2019, well, with a lot of tears and stress. But it's all good. 

my ray of unspent sunshine

When someone you really like / love finds a person whom they connect with on a lot of levels and you completely understand that that is something hard to find and can be pretty rare, and seeing how happy and excited they are. You know they have found someone special. One part of you truly feel happy for him while another part of you, without any hate, bitterness, anger or any ill feelings feels sad. You were not hurt intentionally. But the heart breaks a little or is this a whole heartbreak?

The brain and gut feeling tells me, you know you are going to be fine, but somehow you tear randomly without any warning and when night falls, you get sad at times. Yes, you are in pain. But you know well enough that time will heal this and you will be fine. Seeing the person you treasure the most find happiness is such a beautiful thing. Compared to other people that I have fallen for, I couldnt  or wasnt ready to wish them happiness cause there is some sort of resentment or feeling unsatisfied towards the person.

But this is different. I want him to be happy and wish for him to have nothing but love and happiness. I hope he finds someone that lights up his day like how he’s my ray of unspent sunshine. He deserves to be happy. I’m still excited to meet him in July ... perhaps with a different feeling and excitement now with changed circumstances. But nonetheless very excited.

I hope our friendship never change. You will forever have a special place in my heart. I have written this down and said it many times, I am forever more grateful that I get to meet you in this lifetime. I learnt and grow so much as a person. You support and genuine take of who I am and to ask me to never change or compromise myself for anyone and that I deserve someone awesome and the patience of listening to my ‘issues’ and giving good advices and always layan-ing me and just unexpectedly making my day. I can never thank you enough for this. Perhaps you are my Marry Poppins.

I wish you nothing but for all the love and happiness in this universe and the strength to overcome any sadness or challenges that you may face. I think I’ll always love you. 6 months to go. I wonder how I'll be then.

xx