the past few years

3 years go, you put yourself out there for love. You were surprised that you are actually not too bad yourself in the game of love. You know that playing with fire will get you burn a little as well. You learn a tad bit more about yourself and who your friends are.

Through this journey you met someone beautiful. You wanted to learn so much more about things. To experience more. And he is there (and still is) giving you and sharing that experience. You grew and change so much more. You got comfortable in your own skin and body. You get to know your value more. You didnt expect to be able to meet someone like this in this lifetime. You have almost given up on that thought and was ready to settle.

2 years go, you learn to accept another person. To not compare people. To open your heart again. To explore more. Sadly, what you thought was a beautiful person, turns out to be bad trips (of experiences and people). You experience sadness, doubtful thoughts, dissatisfaction and anger.

1 year ago, you heal more and surprise yourself. You finally became an adult. You thought this might be the start of something challenging but worth it. But sadly, this time around, it was a pretty bad trip as well.

As much as it was written down to state nothing much has changed, our friendship wont be changing, things do change/ have changed.

You don't own him. He's never fully yours and to be fair, you were never fully his. So what do you do?  This feeling of sadness and fearing this change? Try to let go an move on? Yes, this is something easier said than done.

Deep down, you know this day might/will come. You just thought to prepare yourself to face it. It's ok. We all go through this in a different scale of heartbreak for each of us.

 You have the right to be upset/hurt about the thought of it or from time to time as to how you are treated or taken for granted at times. You are only human. If he isnt with someone right now, he would have been down for it. Alas, this isnt the case. And so be it. You got this! Imagine if the situation is in reverse. He's the one being you and you, him. It would be weird as well if things do not change a little. It will be confusing as well I believe.

So now Jo, learn to draw the line. It's totally fine if he's still your ray of unspent sunshine. The one you excitedly take pictures and videos for, the one you put in the most effort for cards and well wishes. It's okay. But please no longer put him your priority. Don't move mountains for him.

You did foresee it coming, but not this bad. Being put in a situation you never thought you would have to deal with. But you dealt with it the best that you can. You stayed cool.

And then for the first time, your heart got broken or cracked really bad.You never know it could hurt like this and you could feel sadness this much You dont want to go through something like this again if you could help it. (you might or you might not, now).

You give yourself time to heal. You thought you are gonna be ok on certain days. That you are nearly healed. But then, certain things happened, or there were triggers and you realize that you are not all cried out yet. You are still learning how to move on. How to let go. Being the committed, ocd/ obsessive, no chill person that you are, this takes a bit more time compared to others perhaps.

But you know what, you do you, boo. Take all the time you need to heal, grow  and have fun again. Don't simply discard it and try to hide it. Deal with it and heal Dont go crazy obsessive in tying to heal at the same time as well. You might be pushing yourself too hard.

Place it as an important ting to do and focus on. But dont let it be your all. Dont let it define you. Have fun and try to take your mind off it.

Focus to make yourself happy physically an mentally!!!) But dont look for short term happiness. Occasionally, this wouldnt hurt, but know your limits!

You got this Jo! You can do this.

The past 2.5 years, you have learnt more about yourself, what you want and need. You have experienced lust, like, confusion, love. Perhaps the next one to be experienced is to learn heartbreak and letting go and walking away from relationships of people who dont deserve you. Dont give too much. Dont be too nice. The whole process, from loving to unloving, to healing. You will perhaps then be ready to love again. This time, wisely and hopefully one that is worth it as well.

x- your heart and brain.

Honey

You say I’m too innocent
You say I’m too much of an optimist
You say I’m too sheltered, who never experience real hardship in life
You say I have so much more I need to learn
You say I’m too much of a dreamer


But honey,

I say, do not just judge a book by its cover
I say, most of the time, yes, I break things down and look at them in a simple manner
I say, most of the time, I’m upfront about my feelings and thoughts


But honey,


‘I’m a simple person who hides a thousand feelings behind the happiest smile’


I say, everyone has their own battle to fight, it’s something that one cant compare with another
I say, why look at things negatively? It doesnt help one solve anything but cause misery
I say, open your mind and think deeper, because the universe is looking at the bigger bigger picture


Honey,


You still have a lot of growing up to do.

At the end of the day, I know that it’s every man for himself in all departments of one’s life.
But never have I met someone so selfish. Be it an impulsive thought and request or a panic, selfish reaction or something that one has planned all this time, just waiting for the timing of it.

 Never has someone pissed me off this bad. To have pushed me to my maximum limit of hating someone is something extremely rare. I forgive you but I will never forget. I dont wish you happiness nor do I wish you ill will. I just dont wish for anything for you for if it’s possible I do not sant to have anything to do with you ever.

I am thankful that I get to learn so much from this. It is one hard lesson learnt. It’s okay. Maybe it’s my karma or it maybe one for you in the future. Maybe it’s karma for the both of us.