à la folie

It's been another 8 months since I posted something here. I would say this is something like an electronic diary. It's weird that I like reading a physical book but prefer keeping an electronic diary to read back on the things I decided to extract from my memory and put it into words.

There's more or less 45 days left to 2016. How has 2016 been for me? It's a year where I have the most mind-fucked moments in my life so far. Forgive me for the lack of a more sophisticated choice of word. But it just describes things accurately. I was mind-fucked in both good and bad ways. A lot of tears of happiness and sadness were shed.

It started out in with my career progression, it took me 10 months to finally find a place for pupillage. The one position in one firm that I always wanted presented me with an opportunity to stay at an unexpected time, I had no hope left for it. I was happy that finally the chance I was hoping for was offered to me, but at the same time, I was feeling skeptical. Why now? Why this specific department? But then, no matter what the hidden agenda is, it's a win-win situation for both of us.

SO i was swayed. But then in the end, I decided that I'm not valued for what I am. I'm sick and tired as to how I'm being treated. The constant stress of having to compete in every single aspect of your life and always feeling that you're not good enough (this is however a good motivation to improve and challenge myself, that's how I perceive it) and to know that you're replaceable anytime because, a lot of people may kill for this and to be able to finally decide to walk away from such good opportunity is hard but I decided that hey, being there is not all there is. I started out in my new firm, not used to how things work in a much smaller environment. People seemed nice but I was cautious. I had a wall up around me. I take time to warm up to people, having the quiet nature that I have at times, but I'm slowly getting to know and read each person at my workplace better day by day. And I'm not the type to suck up to people too much. For I know that when I'm force to socialize just for the sake of doing so, I would come across as so fake that you'll be offended. Hahaahha. I know I can be nice, but when forced, it's just fake. I cant mask it.

All my life, I am always thankful that I have a bunch of people that is my support system as I would like to call it. This year, in terms of relationships, I decided to put myself out there. I'm 25. It's time to experience things. I did tell myself, if i decided to play with fire, I have to deal with the consequences of getting burn. So I protected myself at situations or relationship that I know was not going anywhere,- i.e relationships where it wasn't a genuine case of liking and getting to know each other and liking each other for truly who they are. The people that I met was there  just for hook ups. I was not ready for that. As much as I want to be experienced, I cant hook up with someone without being attracted to that person's personality, character or intelligence. Of course, not forgetting being physically attracted to that person as well. But there must be some level of mutual connection.

And when I decided, hey, let's take it easy and take it as a chance to meet more people from Tinder, and use tinder just as a platform to practice my flirting skills and things like that, I met the most wonderful guy that I've gotten to know so far in my life. He's like the guy version of me in terms of personality. But more mature, manly but not overtly egoistic,open, honest, and wise. I know I sound like I'm totally head over heels over this guy. Of course he has flaws as well. But, really, he is as described.

I found someone who made me laugh at the simplest things without having to force myself to do so just to impress him. We were able to have deep conversations and then shifting to random conversations naturally and were just very open and honest with each other. We were just comfortable with each other. All this happened in a span of 3 days that the rational part of me was asking, is this right? Is it possible to fall for someone or to let someone into my life so much? Like somehow I trust him enough to feel that it's alright to confide to him about a lot of things. We met as complete strangers, coming from different ends of the world, Exposed to very different cultures and life. He's from the US. I'm from Malaysia. We're halfway across the globe from each other and never knew each other all our lives! The thought process when chatting with him initially, was like, wow, this guy is chatty. Like he takes his time to really explain things and one can just know whether one can click with another person when texting, by the way one responds to texts. AND he replies fast! Thought process no.2 is that: what if we meet, and it gets awkward because we're too different? like we just don't get each other.. or he turns out to be an obnoxious person? He called out to me first as I was searching the crowd to try and spot him. In my mind, I have this fear of not recognising people at times, because.... I can be blur when I want to. Hahahaa. And when I saw him, I was like, "oh, this is how he looks like in person". And I would have to say, things were a bit awkward at the beginning. Cause.. we literally dont know each other and is meeting to have dinner and all. And this is the first time I decided to play tour guide to a complete stranger. But I was thinking to myself, I have nothing to lose in experiencing this. I was praying to myself that dinner would not at least be an awkward one. (I have been put at such awkward situations, that trust me when I really don't want it to be that way) Hahaha.

 How amazing is it that we were meant to cross path with each other. I'm amazed as to how you can find someone who shares so many common things in life but yet that someone is so different from you at the same time in terms of culture and country. I guess fate is an amazing thing. I was swiping in search for some other guy to talk to as I was stood up by another guy. He woke up late coincidentally that day, not sure of what to do, he decided to go on tinder and was swiping away. And it takes 2 to match. I swiped right because firstly, he looks cute and decent. Second, is cause of his description, though typical, is specific, upfront and sounds genuine. Doesnt look like a date rapist or is someone just looking for hook ups. We both listen to Tycho. a rare common music love. What started off as just meeting for dinner, turned out to be a hang out session at Starbucks till the pathway from Pavilion to KLCC was closed that we had to just follow the pathway directions walking along the road close to midnight, and it continued to Saturday, Sunday and Monday morning. We met on Saturday after his trip to Batu Caves (should have tagged along as well, but I was too lazy) for KGB. I have managed to brainwash him into that. (to miss American food) We walked the whole of Midvalley after that for being too full from burgers and went to the arcade! I discovered that being a tomboy when I was younger helps, and that I have a hidden talent in basketball and air hockey. And it carried on to tea time and dinner where we were slowly trying to find out what is each other's type, sharing more personal stories of our lives and slowly liking each other. (for me that is) For the first time, I went grocery shopping where I have someone who helps me carry things. This sounds sad, but I'm usually the person taking up the guy's role of carrying things. We parted by hugging each other goodbye. In all honesty, I was expecting something more, but could felt that he was holding back to something. Turns out, he was trying very hard not to kiss me and was worried to cross the line because he wasnt sure how I was perceiving 'us'. That changed when I sent him a kiss emoji that night after we got home.

On Sunday, we went ice skating and that was where we first held hands. I was scared for life and was more nervous and excited(!) as to what will happen. While taking our first rest after trying out skating, we kissed. And continue on skating for another hour. And then he randomly went to book high tea at KL Tower. And after that we made our way back to his hotel. He wanted to go to his room first, (this is just me thinking too much, thought something will happen but it didnt). Chilled at the executive lounge for a while to kill time and then made our way to KLCC to watch the fountain lights and music. He said : I'm trying hard to hold back so much right now. I said: on what? He said: on kissing you. I paused and said: Me too. He paused,and said,: hey, do you want to go back to my room later? And i said yes.

Marveled at the fountain lights and kissed and went back to his place, ordering room service of pizza and we watched Serendipity. And cuddled, and spooned and made out and then get sad waiting for Monday to come.

Deep down we know that it's hard for us to be together although we would seriously consider dating each other steadily. So on Monday, we were sad. I was a wrecked when I got into office. But then, he suggested a crazy idea and I went for it. We spent 4 days and 3 nights in Bangkok. My first trip with My first trip with a guy.  And he's not even my official bf. Heck, we just met each other technically for 3 days. And now I'm off  to another foreign country to meet up with him. Alone. Me. the naive, blur, overthinking one. Hahaha. But somehow, I was not worried about my safety. I feel safe with him. I dont know why, but the gut feeling just told me that somehow he does not have a bad ulterior motive. But of course, I did take precaution as advised cause, I am going off somewhere alone, and not provide the whole complete picture to my family of the trip. But, in another view, I am an adult now. Not a stupid girl, inexperienced and have a sheltered life perhaps, but not stupid.I was scared that I am having the crazy-happy-being too blindly in love syndrome. So I talked to a lot of people. And most tell me to go. That I shouldnt miss it for the world. And if I dont, I will always be wondering how it will go and regret it. Although some told me not to, because (1) it's to dangerous and very risky. (2) there wouldnt be a happy outcome. Things will be harder for me unless I'm prepared for it to be. But, anyhow, I went. Had the most wonderful time in my life. It, in a way provided a good closure but deeper sadness but no regrets at all.

I cant believe that I did it. I guess I'm a big girl now. I arrived to him greeting me cutely at the airport. He prepared the welcome CJA sign with his phone but it didnt play on time as planned. But it's the thought that counts and it was SO CUTE!!. AND HE BOUGHT ME  a bouquet of 12 stalks of roses (which smell like curry upon initial purchase) waiting for me back in the hotel room and it was a surprise! I LOVE SURPRISES!! I melted and was very touched. He didnt have to do it. But he did. Like I really didn't expect it. We were just talking about our fav flowers a few days back. I had no expectations.I wasnt even thinking of any surprise gifts at all. I am just happy that I get to see him and go on an adventure again and also nervous as this being the first trip I'll be spending with a guy I like. We were both secretly worried that what if we met in Bangkok and turns out we dont feel as attracted to each other as we did. That the frisson has died off. But, turns out it didnt. And looking back, there are a few things that if I could turn back time, I would want to change. Like, I should have given him a hug and a kiss when I got the roses. That I should have bring that Peter Alexander pjs. That I should have held hands with him more. That we should have talked more. That it felt right and okay (though I might be heartbroken like crazy after that) for him to be my first. But, I regret nothing (well I did regret that we didnt do more things, or I should be more 'proactive' or expressive? But this is something that's foreign to me. And our relationship was moving like 5 times faster than what a normal dating relationship would usually be actually.

I would be lying if I said that I dont feel hella insecure.  As he left Thailand to go to Vietnam and Cambodia, I'm scared that he'll meet someone else and fall for someone like how he did with me. But, I tried to be cool. We had 'the talk' and it's clear that if he could, he wants to pursue 'us' but he's a realist (to which I am too) and knows it's near impossible to have a committed relationship. See, though we click and are really attracted to each other, we dont have a base as a foundation to a long distance relationship.Yes, our relationship moved at such a fast pace from what a normal relationship should be.. but it just felt right. And of course, I have this fear from the saying, when something moves too fast, it dies off fast too. So, I was/am scared. Scared that this 'relationship' will die. Maybe it will when he goes back to CA and we really resume our normal lives. And he meets his friends and meets new people to fall for. He did say that the time we had together is a memory that he will always look back fondly. (to which this is something I agree) I wouldnt say that I didnt see this coming. I did. I am of course, preparing myself for it. I might eventually meet someone too. Though the benchmark is so damn high right now. We actually text each other more than we actually hung out in person. How do I put it, the way we meet, connected and experienced was something that we didn't see coming at all. It's almost like what you would think happens in the movies or in very rare circumstances. Albeit what we had was a short duration of time, it was something very special. (and precious for me and him I hope)

But I want to live in the now and not fret too much into the future. Like NEVER did I imagine or expect to meet someone special like him in 2016. There's always a flicker of hope yearly that this year (whatever year I was in) was the year that I would meet someone special. But after a while, I just stop hoping. I am praying very hard and I hope God has something in good in store for us to meet again in the near future. I am not just sitting and waiting for this to happen. Am considering of visiting US in a nearer future than planned I guess or to do something to make something happen. I mean it will be awesome if I suddenly get a work posting in the US or he decides to come and work in Asia. SO I hope there is something good in store for us. I hope when we meet the next time, it will be at a right timing with the same, right feeling. Ahh, how I long and wish for this. So we'll see. If this doesnt happen, I guess in this lifetime, we are not meant to be together though we are fated to cross path with one another.

If the timing is however not right, I'll be happy that I found someone who shares a similar soul as me and will be one of my 'person' in life. He will always have a special place in my heart. And I'm scared to say this, because I'm childish and dont want this to happen. That, perhaps, my heart will truly break, the day he tells me he has found someone to settle down with. (but come to think of it, he did found someone already before this, but it wasnt meant to be. Yay to that, cause he wouldnt have met me then. Yes, evil, selfish me.)

I wouldn't say this is love but I really really really like him. I mean I wouldnt simply go on a crazy adventure by flying to another country alone to meet up with a guy whom I have meet for 3 days to spend another 4 days together. Or let myself invest so much emotions and feelings onto someone. I am now doing better. Looking back at the fond memories instead of hoping for something more. (of course I still want that, but am keeping that desire in control). We're both realist and dreamers at the same time. It's a good balance. We both know it's hard to make things work. But who knows, that if it is ever meant to be, it is meant to be and something might work out in the future, for none of us know what the future holds. Looking at the circumstances of how things turned out for us, we could make a movie out of this already. Hahahahaa. But for now, we know that, we are very glad to have meet and found each other and want to stay very good friends to each other and hoping that there will be more adventure and madness to be shared together in the future.

So, here's to madness and a very very good memory that I would treasure for life. Jon, I'll never ever forget you. The memory might fade or change as that's what the brain do to you. it helps you remember things how you want it to be remembered by distorting the truth a little or when perspective changes, the memory changes as well. But thank you for letting me meet and know you and helping me find myself. You're a beautiful person and I could never be more grateful to have met you.


-with lots of love-

Just cause

I guess one of the things that I learnt in law school are that when dealing and looking at certain situations at times, one just need to remove emotions out of it. It might look heartless but it helps one to look at things objectively. Or should I say looking at things from a third person point of view.

This occurred to me when i was chatting with my mum one day. I told her cold-heartedly about what the possible outcome or solutions to a situation she was talking to me about.And her reply was, but no, you dont understand, that person has such a pitiful childhood or is currently in such a situation etcetera. and I told my mum, yes,  I understand that part but that doesn't mean that due to such circumstances gives that person an excuse to do whatever wrongdoing the person has done.

Stop

I was cautiously optimistic and can't help but build a small tiny glimmer of hope.Hence, if it does not work out,one would think that it will bot be too devastating. But things took a turn and I am suddenly hit by a huge wave of lethargy and feeling demotivated. I need a break of being positive, striving to preserve on and follow ups. There's only so much one could take I guess. Today is the day where I feel the need to just out everything on pause. While crying in the shower, these words of someone saying this to me a few months back came into my mind: it is not easy doing what you are doing now.  To know that you will not stay at where you are now and to look for a new place at the same time while juggling your current work and commitment. When I heard that for the first time that time, I was thinking to myself, no, it is not that hard as you said. I am handling it well. And today I take my word back.

I am a ball of emotions today. I received a belated birthday gift, got praised that I did very well for the work that I delivered. And then I got the news of being rejected for a few if my job applications. And then people start annoying me with their queries which at the state that I am in, I dont really want to give a fuck or argue much about. My head screamed for me to stop and just let out my emotions in order for me to gain a new focus and a fresh start. With that I shall enter dreamland with hopes that i wake up tomorrow not feeling like crap and keep questioning myself every 5 minutes: what did i do wrong? Am i that bad? Am i not made out for this? Am i not cut out for this? What is it thst i am missing or not seeing the picture here?