Here I am. 5 months in 2015. Just started my study leave about 2 weeks in now. The stress as how I felt last year for the exams have not set in (?) yet. I am procrastinating the work I am supposed to do on certain days and am hardworking on the next day. Ah, having conflicting thoughts and emotions.
The feeling of having to do this alone this time around. Alone in the sense that, I go to class alone, I sit and eat alone, I study alone without really getting the chance to ask people how their progress are and getting the chance to rant to people on how my progress are, to rant my worries and concerns to people being in the same boat as me. This is certainly something I have not experience before in my life so far.As what See Wei described to me (as she clearly understands what I am going through right now) : it's like you want to die but you cannot die.
That torturing feeling of having been there done that, that you know all the syllabus when you sit through classes but there are moments where you think to yourself, what the hell is this?! how is it that I cannot for the life remember that I studied this last year? Is this something new? or was it me who was not paying attention in class? how is it that I cannot identify the issue in this question? How is it that I could have identified this issue wrongly in this question? It has been a series of going through these kinda of questions and not to mention feelings mixed in it now.
I really want to get over this and really do not want to go through this feeling again. Seeing people moving on with their life, ( not that I feel unhappy for them) make me realized how much time is wasted. At the same time of course, I feel this is in a way a blessing in disguise. I get to experience another path which I could never embark upon had this never happen ( me failing CLP).
I am very very appreciative and thankful for all the support and prayers I get from people that I know in supporting me, emotionally and physically in encouraging me to get through this.
With that, I shall start tomorrow afresh with serious determination to get through this and embark on another new path! Because as See Wei said, to get through this, realistically,the first step and the only thing you can do to help yourself is to study really hard for this. And that I will do so that i shall have no regrets nor reason to be sad.
-with lots of love,peace out-
